The Funny, Funny Pages


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For Women

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One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came
upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to go
to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God,
give me the strength to cross this river."

Poof! God have him big arms and strong legs, and he
was able to swim across the river in about two hours,
after almost drowning a couple of times.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying,
"Please God, give me the strength and the tools to
cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he
was able to row across the river in about an hour,
after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the
other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please
God, give me the strength and the tools .. and the
intelligence to cross this river."

Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the
map, hiked upstream a hundred yards then, walked
across the bridge to the other side.

Hints He May Be Gay

10. Vomits every time he sees you naked
9. Wants you to wear a fake beard when you make love
8. Named his dog Prada
7. Keeps referring to the sauna at his gym as "the baths".
6. Calls his proctologist a "male gynocologist."
5. Tells you that wall sconces will really brighten up the room.
4.Looks like he just ate a glazed donut
3. Gets you a Playgirl subscription for your birthday
2. Calls your strap-on dildo his boyfriend
1. The big pink triangle on his t-shirt

Excuses for not performing fellatio

10. I thought only gay guys like that
9. I'll gag and blow chunks all over you
8. My head-gear will get in the way
7. I had a traumatic Popsicle accident as a child
6. Sorry Joe, no sucky sucky!!
5. You piss with that thing
4. I choke on small bones
3. I'm afraid of getting pregnant
2. Do it yourself, like the dog you are
1. Sorry, I am a vegetarian

Women's Advice to Men(what men might need to know)

The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.

The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.

If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's their butts.

If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday.

Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

Don't fret if you find out that the milkman delivers more than once a day.

No, we're not impressed with your car -- it takes no special skills to make car payments each month.

Please don't drive when you're not driving.

Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths you take.

If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.

We don't care if you hold the remote -- unlike you however, we don't
enjoy watching 27 seconds of 117 different programs.

The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of
accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.

If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?

Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.

When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.

Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life--you'll
never see the 'island' coming.

We don't mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance --
in fact -- please do !!!

Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.

Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that y
chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.

When you're out with us, please wear "our" favorite outfit rather
than "yours" -- the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way.

If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate
a positive vs a negative grunt.

Don't insist that we "get off the damn phone" and then not talk to us.

Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.

Your balding is a good thing--it subsidizes our hair care expenses.

Some women actually know more about a car and the mechanics involved than you do.

Cleaning the house is not necessarily "women's work"; besides, most
of the "dirt" and clutter is yours anyway.

Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you
never want to cook?

We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.

Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling; however, very
few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss for one.

Husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." He look at her and replies angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Whirlpool printed on my forehead? I don't think so." "Fine," she says "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break." "I'm not a damned carpenter and I won't fix the damn steps" He says. "Does it look like I have ACE Hardware printed on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you, I'm going to the bar!!!" So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he see the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed, too. "Honey, how'd you get all this fixed?" She said, "Well, when you left, I just sat outside and cried. Just then, a nice, young man walked up and asked what was wrong and I told him. he offered to do all the repairs, and all i had to do was sleep with him or bake a cake." he said, "So what kind of cake did you bake him?" She replied " you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

Never Underestimate the Power of a Woman

There were 11 people-ten were men and one woman- hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.

They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't the rope would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should go so finally the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return.

When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.

Never underestimate the power of a Woman.

Thanks booboo_6464

Men's Thesaurus

Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"

Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."

Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

Translated:* "Are you still talking?"

Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday!!"

Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"

Translated:* "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

Translated:* "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."

Translated:* "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

Translated "No one will ever see us alive again."

Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

Reasons Why It's Better To Be female

* We got off the Titanic first.

* We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

* We never ejaculate prematurely.

* We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

* We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.

* When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.

* We don't have to get our strength up between sessions...and it's much easier for us to get "some" in the first place.

* We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty oldperverts.

* Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like complete idiots in ours.

* We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

* We can cry and get off speeding fines.

* We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers......

* Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

* Taxis stop for us.

* We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

* We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

A Dictionary for Women
Aaaack (aak) interj.
An utterance upon running directly into a spider web first thing in the morning - and you don't know where the spider is.

Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v.
To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire."

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n.
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but *he* "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n.
Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a basketball game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v.
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n.
Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus, breath push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n.
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only trashy women would wear...!

Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers".

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n.
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Zillion (zil*yen) n.
The number of times you ask him to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself anyway.

What's in a name...

Aarons are dependable and talented

Alexes like (French) porno.

Everyone has an Andy.

Bens are the smart, silent type.

Bills are the ones everyone chases and no one gets to keep.

Bob is the universal name.

Brads try too hard.

Brandons are dark haired, players.

Brians usually have one good feature.

Calebs never grow up.

Carters are rich, power-hungry snobs.

Chads are hot, quiet but interesting once you get inside.

Charlies are walking sex.

Chris' are undefined and should remain so.

Craigs are a little misguided.

Dans are thick.

Daves are impossible to get over.

Dennis' are quiet, desperate flirts.

Devons are destined for trouble.

Doug is the nice guy that repulses you.

Eds are thbp (like a dull thud)..

Eddies are fast.

Erics are forgettable.

Ethans smell (sometimes good, usually bad).

Franks and Tonys are Italian Stallions.

Fred is in the chess club.

Fredericks could be snotty.

Garys are gross Nazi's.

Georges are mild-mannered and have weight problems.

Glens are either short or intelligent.

Greggs are bizarre. Initial name guys are cool.

Jakes are insecure and slightly repulsive (see Doug).

James' are egotistical.

Jamies are shy but cuddly.

Jareds think they are the best thing since sliced bread.

Jasons are fun loving. Jeffs are lost puppies (though they are adorable).

Jeremys are a tad fruity.

Joes are awkward, shy-guys in first date situations.

Joels are frustrated. (tend to hang out with Nelsons) It's hard to stand out if your name is John.

Joshes are romantic back-stabbers.

Justins mess with your mind.

Kevins have swanky hair.

Keith is built, but dry and annoying. (It's like dating a broom)

Kens just don't measure-up.

Korys are egotistical, pleasure-driven jerks. There is always something wrong with a Kurt.

Leonards are avid bug collectors.

Lesters are molesters.

Lonnies are nasty.

Lytrels pick their nose.

Martrels have big huge feet. (sz 13!)

Marks are 'touchy.'

Martins have a strange sense of humor.

Matts are queer- one T or two.

Mikes are rascally, troublesome guys but are usually nice.

Nates are cocky for a reason.

Nelsons are home-schooled.

Nicks are jerks, immature and only want your body.

Owens have large families and drive fast.

Patricks are also incredibly sexy.

Pauls suffer from male-pattern baldness.

Peters are stalkers.

Phils are sensitive but geeky.

Philips are more geeky but equally sensitive.

Randys have facial hair problems and pyro tendencies.

Richard--Dick, need I say more?

Robs are sleazy and make you feel cheap.

Robins are tormented.

Rod (the name itself) is perverted.

Rons are into pasta.

Rorys are so childish.

Ryans are never appreciated.

Sams just like sex.

Scotts are hormonal and usually bad news.

Shauns are sweet in one-on-one situations.

Shanes are shady.

Simons are thin.

Steves are extremes. (usually incredibly good looking or incredibly bad)

Theos (or Theodores) always make you smile.

Timothys like to be mommied.

Todds are sweet, sporty guys.

Toms are nerdy but poetic. They have that inner something.

Travis' are dumb jocks.

Tylers are genetically small (similar to Calebs).

Wesleys are romantic.

Williams are fat.

Zacks are good looking, but aloof.


ATTRACTION The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.

EASY A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

FRIGID A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

SOBER Condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

NAG A man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse.

When He Says He Really Means

Do you have the time? to go to bed

Hello Let's cut the talk and go have sex.
How are you? in bed, I mean.

I'd like a discreet relationship. I want sex,but I'm married

I'll be out of town for a few days. I'll be spending time with the wife.

I'm a novelist. I have 10 unpublished books.

I'm coming off a long relationship. My wife is divorcing me.

I'm consulting. I'm looking for a job.

I'm divorced. I just slipped off my wedding ring.

I'm in television. I fix them.

I'm involved in banking. I'm a bank guard.

I'm self-employed. I just got fired.

I'm sorry I flirted with your sister. I'm sorry I got caught.

I'm thinking of relocating. I can't find a job in this town.

I can't leave my wife just yet..soon. Be patient forever.
I enjoy reading. Playboy and Penthouse.

I have the Midas touch. I install mufflers.

I like a woman who is intelligent. As long as she acts like I'm smarter.

It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says
as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you
think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn
like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she

Thanks DaisyDuck_2000.

What Men Really Mean
"I'm going fishing."
Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car."
Really means.... "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

"Woman driver."
Really means.... "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means.... "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea."
Really means.... "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?"
Really means.... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means.... "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means.... "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means.... "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done."
Really means.... "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."
Really means.... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means.... "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means.... "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means.... "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means.... "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means.... "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
Really means.... "You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
Really means.... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear." (or Rene Russo)

"That's women's work."
Really means.... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"
Really means.... "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother."
Really means.... "I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means...."The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game."
Really means.... "Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
Really means.... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means.... "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means.... "She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means.... "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means.... "You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means.... "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth reathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
Really means.... "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
Really means.... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again, but rather that then stop and ask for directions."

"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means.... "I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle."
Really means.... "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means.... "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."
Really means.... "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer."
Really means.... "It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means.... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means.... "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means.... "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

"I broke up with her."
Really means.... "She dumped me."

Jail vs being a housewife

In prison you get three square meals a day.
At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.

In prison you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.
At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest lego creation.

In prison you get to watch TV, cable even.
At home you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.

In prison you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.
At home you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years.

In prison all your medical care is free.
At home you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.

In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.
At home you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.

In prison you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day.
At home you get to clean your space and everyone else's space, too, and what the heck is free time again?

In prison you get your own personal toilet.
At home you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you're done so you can do something for them.

In prison the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.
At home you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else's, and get yelled at because somebody's favorite shirt isn't clean.

In prison they take you everywhere you need to go.
At home you take everybody else where they need to go.

In prison the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing.
At home you have to lug around everybody else's stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.

In prison there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn't.
At home....stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?

I'm glad I'm a woman : song

I'm glad I'm a woman

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam I don't brag to my buddies about my erections I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing I don't have body hair like shag carpeting It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two boobs and squat when I pee I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal I won't tell you my wife just does not understand stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see you can forget all about that old penis envy I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

Men - A manual
Avoid models that stall during use.
Check the odo(ur)meter regularly.
Avoid completely blocking the air intake.
Take care not to allow too much steam or moisture to build up when it's not home.
Keep locked in the garage when not in use.
Ensure there are no financial agreements left with any previous owners.
Check for pulling attachments.
Security: never chose a flashy model or else Joy riders might get their hands on it.
If necessary, fit an alarm.
Always clean or replace upholstry and fabric before taking it out for the first time.
Take it for a good thrash around.
Are you allowed to take passengers with this model? Is it child safe?
Make sure this model is not making noises or smell badly.
Watch out for nasty emissions.
Keep all leather accessories in order.
If necessary, fit a silencer, especially for nighttime use. Or use the choke and throttle properly.
For your own safety, never attempt to handle when drunk.
Check the ball bearings. If necessary, grease.
Check chassis before use - are there bulges or scratches? Watch out, they might be a warning. The model might not be safe.
Make sure rubber areas are intact. Check for blisters.
Verify that airbags come out when required. Fit extra padding if necessary.
NEVER let your friends have a go.
Never make the mistake of thinking that if you traded in your current model you could get one like they have in specialist magazines.
Avoid taking it to the pub. You'll end up pushing it back home or picking it up the next day in a rather disgusting condition.
Long rides may be tiring, do not feel ashamed to pause and restart.
It is preferable to get an automatic as this means less time with the stick in your hand.
With a manual: to avoid unpleasant noises coming from it, avoid forcing the stick into it's reverse position whilst in motion.
It is useful to have more than one for different purposes.
German models tend to be solid, steady runners, not ideal for frequent, brief usage.
Italian models are very responsive but change hands often (high mileage) and often make worrying noises.
American models tend to consume excessive amounts of fuel.
Attractive British models are hard to find and expensive to maintain.
Swedish models are usually very versatile.
Japanese models are mass produced and reliable, but very common and often unattractive.
French models are easy to come by but frequently disappointing.
Avoid models that are a too small for you; equally, stay away from those with very much more equipment than needed.
Executive models are hard to get going but once speed builds they don't take kindly to stopping.
Be wary of fast models as they will probably have high mileage and excessive amounts of wear in places.
The old ones will have a smell you will never get rid of.
It is unwise to take your mother's/sister's/friend's out without permission.
Do not get too attached to ones you have to rent.
It is NEVER advisable to own a 'wide load' model.
Replace every year with a newer model.

A woman's prayer

O Lord, you created those creatures called 'MEN'
so simple, yet so egoistic
so strong, yet so vulnerable
so confused, yet so plain....

if you kiss him, you are 'easy'
if you don't, you are playing hard to get
if you praise him, he thinks you are about to ask him a favor
if you don't, you don't appreciate his 'talents'
if you agree to all his likes, you are too weak-will
if you don't, you are not feminine
if you make romance, you are a slut
if you don't, you are pretentious
if you visit him too often, you are obsessive
if you don't, you are two-timing
if you are well dressed, you must have spent your life at the malls
if you don't, you are an embarrassment i
f you are jealous, you are unreasonably possessive if you don't, you must be a dyke :-)
if you attempt a romance, he thinks you are a brainless bimbo
if you don't, he wonders
if you are from the monastery
if you are late, it must be intentional
if he is late, it can only be accidental
if you visit another, he accuses you of endless gossiping
if he is visited by another, it's the 'healthy/harmless' male bonding
if you kiss him once in a while, he thinks you are repressive
if you kiss him too many, you are too pushy
if another guy asks you to dance, you are flirting
if he asks another girl to dance, he just socializes
if you talk, he wonders if you will ever stop
if you don't, you just want to give him the 'silent treatment'

Well Lord, teach them to be wiser. Amen!

If men got pregnant...

If Men Got Pregnant...
Maternity leave would last two years.... with full pay.
There would be a cure for stretch marks.
Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.
Women would rule the world.


An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife that she should take out life insurance.
"Suppose your husband were to die," he said. "What would you get?"
The housewife thought for a while, and then said, "Oh, a parrot, I think. Then the house wouldn't seem so quiet."

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