The Funny, Funny Pages


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Bad Nicknames for Your Penis

10. Old Softie
9. Warthog
8. Tiny Tim
7. The Stinky Twinkie
6. Limpy
5. Slowpoke
4. Two Stroke Engine
3. Droopy Dog
2. The Big Dripper
1. Mr. Syphilis

Excuses When You Can't Get It Up

10. Must be sunspots
9. I'm too tired from banging my secretary
8. My pump blew a gasket
7. If you turn the game on, I'm sure it will rise.
6. I forgot to fill my prescription
5. I guess this means you don't really love me
4. I dunno, worked fine with your sister
3. I just want to satisfy you, baby
2. Oops...I already came
1. I guess the stench killed him

Bad Names for Brand of Condoms

10. EZ-Off
9. Baby Maker
8. Hole in One
7. Pencil Case
6. Impudent
5. Quick Response
4. Outburst
3. True Grit
2. Dry Run
1. Lorena

The original Penis List "it comes in all shapes and sizes"
The Nuprin Penis: Little, Yellow, Different.
The Equal Penis: Tastes like Sugar.
The Excedrin Penis: It's tthhhhiiiiiiissss big.
The Sprite Penis: Image is nothing... Taste is everything.
The Snickers Penis: It satisfies you.
The Alkaseltzer Penis: Pop, pop, fizz, fizz... Oh, what a relief it is...
The Magnavox Penis: Smart. Very Smart.
The Life Call Penis: It's fallen and it can't get up.
The American Express Penis: Don't leave home without it.
The Tootsie Roll Pop Penis: How many licks DOES it take .. .?
The Pringles penis: once you pop, you can't stop
The m&m penis: melts in your mouth, not in your hand
The frosted flakes penis: They're GGGRRRRRREEEEAAAAATTT!
The lucky charms penis: They're magically delicious
The Energizer penis: it keeps going and going
The right guard penis: anything less is uncivilized
The jolly green *giant* penis: self-explanatory
The Cambells soup penis: mmm mmm good
the kix penis: kid tested, mother approved.
the mcdonald's penis: over 8 billion served.
the tombstone penis: what would you like on your penis?
the ragu penis: comes out chunkier than the rest.
the chips ahoy penis: betcha bite a chip. (huh?)
the cobain penis: it blows itself away..
the purdue penis: more meat, less bone.
the all state penis: you're in good hands.
the nike penis: just do it.
the borden penis: it's GOT to be good.
the beef penis: it's what's for dinner.
the miller lite penis: great taste, less filling.
the life penis: mikey likes it.
the transformers penis: it's more than meets the eye.
the twizzler penis: it makes mouths happy.
the nintendo penis: now you're playing with power.
the sega penis: PENIS!
the robitussin penis: used by nine out of ten moms.
the crest penis: recommended by 3 out of 4 dentists.
the champion penis: the official penis of the '96u.s.a. o lym ic team.
the starburst penis: the juice is loose.
the toyota penis: i love what you do for me.
the citibank visa penis: it's everywhere you want to be.
the timex penis: takes a lickin and keeps on.......
burger king penis: have it your way
dairy queen penis: hot eats, cool treats (we treat you right)
McDonald's penis[: HAve you had your break today?
the uncle sam penis: we want you.
the flintstone's vitamins penis: 10 million strong andgr ow in g
the wendy's penis: where's the beef?
the wizard of oz penis: "oh my!"
The Captain Planet penis: Go PENIS!!
The Lays penis: Betcha can't eat just one.
The Diet Coke penis: Just for the taste of it...
the doublemint penis: chewing really satisfies.
the juicyfruit penis: the taste is gonna move ya.
the big red penis: it's longer with big red.
Robutussin Penis: Recommended by Dr. Mom...
The little caesar's penis: Penis!! Penis!! or Pleaser! Pleaser!
the generic penis: one size fits all.
the mortal kombat penis: nothing can prepare you.
The Bounty Penis: The quicker picker-upper.
the Pizza Hut penis: Makin' it great.
the domino's pizza penis: delivers in 30 min or less
the budweiser penis: this bud's for you
the siskel & ebert penis: 2 thumbs up...
the george of the jungle penis: watch out for that....tree?
the nyquil penis: the nighttime coughing, sneezing, runny nose, itching, burning, so you can't rest penis.
The Extra penis: lasts an extra extra extra long time
The Sears penis: Come see the softer side.
The Jewel penis: Take a new look at an old friend.
The C&C music factory penis: Makes you go hmmmmm...
The Gilette penis: The best a man can get.
The Charmin double roll penis: It lasts longer because it is longer.
the beatles penis: now a quarter smaller than it used to be.
The Oasis penis: Thinks it's the beatles penis.
the Jell-o penis: look at it wiggle, look at it jiggle.
the virginia slims penis: you've come a long way,baby.
the at&t penis: reach out and touch someone.
the secret penis: strong enough for a man, ph balanced for a woman.
the micro machines penis: a whole world, in the palm your hand.
The Sanka Penis: Good to the last drop.
The Bic Lighter Penis: Go ahead, flick my penis.
The Corn Flakes Penis: An All Together Great Breakfast. Submitted by Taylor
The Toaster Strudel Penis: Something Better Just Popped up.Submitted by Taylor
The Crispix Penis: Pretty Wild. For a Penis. Submitted by Taylor
The Tastetations Penis: Hard to Resist. Submitted by Taylor
The Dentyne Penis: nothing colder than ice. Submitted by Taylor
The Purple Pickle penis: Heh heh
The 7-Up penis:The UN-penis.
The Barq's penis:The one with bite.
The Subway penis:Where fresh is the taste.
The Kentucky Fried Chicken penis: Finger licking good; everybody needs a little.
The rodeo penis: don't jerk back too hard on it Submitted by Joe Rhodes
The Life penis: Mikey likes it.
The Milk penis: It does a body good.
The Folger's Crystals penis: The best part of wakin' up is a penis in your cup.
The Mr. Clean penis: s it wet or is it dry?
The Neon penis: Hi.
The Rave Music penis: Ya'll ready for this?
The Bounce Penis: With Static-Guard!
The Wonder Bubbles penis: Magic wand inside!
The Wonder Bubbles II penis: For ages 3 and up
The Bacardi penis: Taste the feeling.
The Macintosh penis: Power is everything.
The Borg penis: Resistance is futile.
The Edge Shaving Cream penis:Ultimate closeness, ultimate comfort.
The Swiss Miss penis:The taste you can enjoy anytime, anywhere!
The Payday penis: It's almost totally nuts!
The Yellow Pages penis: Let your fingers do the walking.
The Sony Play Station penis: You are not ready.
The Life Savers penis: Five fruity flavors.
The Monty Python penis: "isn't awfully nice to have a penis"
The Monty Python penis II: "every sperm is sacred...."
The Rice Krispies penis: what does your penis say to you?
The Windows '95 penis: If you ask it to do too much, it'll crash.
The Windows '98 penis: It's not ready
The Virginia Slims penis: you've come a long way, baby.
The Reese's penis: How do you eat your penis?
The Beavis penis: He-he! Huh-huh! Look! Huh-huh! It's changing color!
The Gateway 2000 penis: Lets talk about your penis
The Cheetos Penis: With cheese that goes CRUNCH!!!

Masturbation phrases
What he calls it....

"why do men masturbate so much?
-It's sex with someone they love"

Truth or not, men (or is it women?)
have sure come up with a lot of
weird names for playing with themselves...

A big date with Rosy Palms
Adjusting your set
Attacking the one-eyed purple-headed warrior
Auditioning the finger puppets
Backstroke roulette
Bashing the candle
Being a virtuoso of the skin flute
Being your own best friend
Biffing off
Bleed the weed
Blowing the load
Blowing your own horn
Bludgeoning the beefsteak
Bopping the Bonzo
Boxing the bald champ
Boxing the jesuit and getting cockroaches
Boxing with Richard
Buffin' the bishop
Buggering your hand
Burping the baby
Burping the worm
Buttering the corn
Caning the vandal
Capturing the bishop
Charming the snake
Checking for testicular cancer
Cheesing off
Choking Kojak
Choking the bald guy until he pukes
Choking the sheriff and waiting for the
posse to come
Clamping the pipe
Cleaning your rifle
Clearing the snorkel
Climbin the tree
Climbing Mount Baldy
Closet Frisbee
Coming into your own
Cooking the cream of cock
Corralling the tadpoles
Couch hockey for one
Cranking the love pump
Cranking the shank
Crimping the wire
Crowning the king
Cuddlin' the Kielbasa
Cuffing the carrot
Dating Miss Michigan (think geography)
Dating Rosie Palm and her five sisters
Defrosting the fridge
Digitally oscillating one's penis
Doin' The Solitary Rhumba
Doing handiwork
Doing It Your Way
Doing the five-knuckle shuffle
Doing the janitor thing
Doing the pork sword jiggle
Doing the White Knuckler
Doing your own thing
Draining the monster
Dry humping the ottoman
Electing the president
Engaging in safe sex
Faxing the Pope
Feeding the ducks
Firing the Surgeon General
Fisting your mister
Five on one
Five-knuckle-shuffle on the old piss pump
Flick on over the thumb
Flogging the dog
Flute solo
Fly fishing
Fondling the fig
Freeing Willy
Frosting the pastries
Galloping the antelope
Genitalic stimulation via phallengetic motion
Getting a date with Slick Mittens
Getting chafed
Getting the German soldier marching
Getting to know yourself
Getting your palm red
Getting your pole varnished
Giving it a tug
Giving yourself a low five
Gluing the lady's eye's shut
Going a couple of rounds with ol' josh
Going blind
Going on a date with Handrea and Palmela
Going on Peewee's little adventure
Going the blow
Grappling the gorilla
Greasing the pipe
Hacking the hog
Han Solo
Hand Shandy
Handy work
Hard labor
Having a one-night-stand with yourself
Having a tug-of-war with the cyclops
Having an arm-wrestle with your one-eyed vessel
Holding the sausage hostage
Honing the cone
Hugging the hog
Humping the hose
Ironing some wrinkles
Jack hammering
Jerkin' the gherkin
Jerking Jamby
Juggling the coullions
Kicking seamen
Kicking your roommate out for five to ten minutes
to "call your parents"
Launching the hand shuttle
Looking for ticks
Loping the mule
Loves labors lost
Loving the muppet
Lubing the Tube
Making a foreskin cone
Making instant pudding
Making the bald man puke
Mangling the midget
Manipulating the mango
Manning the cockpit
Manual labor
Manual override
Master bacon
Meeting Rosie Hancock
Milking one's self
Milking the moose
Mounting a corporal and four
Much goo about nothing
My sex life!
Nerking your throbber
Oiling the glove
Onan's Olympics
One gun salute
One man show
One off the wrist
Packing your palm
Paddling the pickle
Painting the ceiling
Palming the calm
Peelin' some chiles
Peeling the banana
Performing diagnostics on your ManTool
Perling the oyster
Petting the lizard
Phoning the czar
Pipping the pumpkin
Playing a one-stringed guitar
Playing Peek-A-Boo With Mr. Johnson
Playing pocket pinball
Playing pocket pool
Playing tag with the pink torpedo
Playing the one-stringed melody
Playing the skin flute
Playing tug-o-war with the cyclops
Playing Uno
Playing with the spitting llama
Playing with your turtle (for uncircumcised guys?)
Pleasing your pisser
Plunking your twanger
Polishing Percy in your palm
Polishing the family jewels
Polishing the helmet
Polishing the rocket
Polishing the sword
Popping the cork
Pounding off
Pounding the bald-headed moose
Pounding the pud
Preparing the carrot
Priming the pump
Pud wrestling
Pulling rank
Pulling the bologna pony
Pulling the Colonel Sanders Heimleich Manuever
Pulling the goalie
Pulling your own leg
Pumping cream
Pumping the python
Pumping the stump
Punching the clown
Punishing Percy in the palm
Ramming the ham
Rapid one arm pull-ups
Relieving tension
Riding the great white knuckler
Rolling your own
Romeo and Himself
Roping the pony
Roughing up the suspect
Rubbing the pink eraser
Running off a batch by hand
Sacrificing sperm to the god of lonely nights
Sanding wood
Scouring the tower of power
Secret handshake
Self-induced penile regurgitation
Self-inflicted intercourse
Shaking hands with Jack McNasty
Shaking hands with Mr. Happy
Shaking hands with Yul Brenner
Shifting gears
Shining the helmet
Shining the pork sword
Shining your pole
Shoot skeet (pull...shoot)
Shooting flies
Shooting for the moon
Shucking your corn
Slaking the bacon
Slappin the purple headed yogurt pistol
Slapping the hampster
Slinging the jelly
Snapping the monkey
Solo flight
Solo marathon
Squeezing your cheese-dog
Stinky pinky
Stirring the batter
Stroking the one-eyed burping gecko
Taking a shake break
Taking matters into your own hands
Taking part in population control
Taking the Jocelyn Elders Midterm
Talking quietly to yourself
Taming the shrew
Taunting the one-eyed weasel
Tenderizing the tube steak
Testing the testicles
Testing your batteries
That crazy hand jive
The art of Unisex
Trouser snake CPR
Tugging the slug
Unloadinging the gun
Varnishing the flagpole
Waking the dead
Waking Wee Willie Wonka
Walking the dog
Whipping up some sour cream
Windsurfing on Mount Baldy
Workin' out a stiff joint

And some additional ones

Bashing the Bishop
Waxing the Dolphin
Spanking the Monkey
Flogging the Log
Greasing the Pole
Slapping the Salami
Choking the Chicken
Strangling the Cyclops
Pulling your middle leg

There are actually a few ones for the ladies too,
but it sure looks like many of these terms are
invented by men as well...

Brushing the beaver
Doing my nails
Doing the Two Finger Slot Rumba
Finger blasting
Flicking the bean
Going Mining
Jocelyn Eldering
Makin' waves for the man-in-the-boat
Making soup
Nulling the void
Paddling the pink canoe
Parting the red sea
Playing the beaver
Playing The Silent Trombone
Rolling the dough
Strumming the banjo
Surfin' the channel
Tickling the two fingered tango
Toggling the bit

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