The Funny, Funny Pages


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For Men

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The Perfect Woman Would Say...

1. I'll swallow it all ... I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno
movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my
friend Tiffany over for a threesome!
5. If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna
6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you
please try again?
7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you
than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check
out women's asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just
wish you had time to play on Saturday, too.
14. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing
again, come see!
15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the
16. No, no, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother did a great job raising you.
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day
thing and buy yourself new clubs.
19. I understand fully. Our anniversary comes every
year for God's sake. You go hunting with the guys,
it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your
21. Not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to
that new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us,
why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap
down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting
up for the night feedings.
24. That was a great fart! Do another one!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles
behind my head for ya!

Men Etiquette

Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be
legally killed or beaten by his fellow partygoers.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is ok for a man to cry under the following
a. When a heroic dog dies to save his master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her
c. After wrecking your boss' car
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The
Crying Game"
e. When his date is using her teeth

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must
bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his
sister is off limits forever, unless you actually
marry her.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy
who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time
is 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes
for every point of hotness she scores on the classic
1-10 scale.

Bitching about the brand of free beer in a friend's
fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature
is unsuitable.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday
present for another man. In fact, even remembering
your buddies birthday is optional.

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting
event, you may always ask the score of the game in
progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only
when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's
delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue

If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem -- you
didn't see nothin'.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be
treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of
the game and the ability to drink as much beer as the
other sports watchers.

You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over
the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you
who secretly threw it into a ceiling fan.

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last
slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on
equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line,
etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible
nod is all the conversation you need.

Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on
longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a
stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if necessary.

The morning after you and a babe who was formerly
"just a friend" have had carnal drunken rampant sex,
the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no
reason not to do it again before the discussion about
what a big mistake it was.

Bad Pickup Lines for Britney Spears

10. Do you need help massaging your new breasts?
9. Let me be your backstreet boy
8. Sometimes I wear red vinyl too
7. I'm writing my dissertation on your lyrics, and I have a few questions
6. I'll show you my scar if you show me yours
5. I've been hot for you since you were a mouseketeer
4. Well, Hel-LO, there, Christina!
3. baby, I got your big mac right here!!
2. Need help with that algebra homework?
1. Hit me baby one more time

Things Not To Do While Waiting For Your Date At Her Parents' House

Sniff the air and say it smells like a bordello.
Repeatedly zip and unzip your fly.
Go into a lengthy story about how you had Mexican food last night and ask
if you can use the bathroom.
Mention that 'Mr Happy' is primed and ready.
Ask what time you should return your date tomorrow morning.
Recite a couple of bawdy limericks.
Ask the mom and dad what position they were in when they conceived their
Scratch your crotch and say your herpes is acting up again.
Pretend to eat your arm.
Ask the dad if you can borrow a couple of condoms.

...And Top Ten Things Not To Say While Waiting For Your
Date At Her Parents' House...

10. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."
9. "Show me how you used to spank her."
8. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."
7. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"
6. "I just got my license today."
5. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me
4. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."
3. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"
2. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'"
1. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?


There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...
"Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?"
"I really don't like this restaurant that much,
but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired."
"No wine for me tonight.
My urologist says it's not good to mix alcohol and penicillin."
"I refuse to get cable.
That's how they keep tabs on you."
"People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell."
"I used to come here all the time with my ex."
"I never said you NEED a nose job.
I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it."
"Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't
hear my voice on the answering machine every hour."
"I really feel that I've grown in the past few years.
Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look."
"And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest."
"I know you said you don't eat anything with a face.
But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask."
"It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people
I date just won't be as smart as I am."
"Dropping my pants just scared them. But when my underwear
hit the ground... Man! I never knew Jehovah's Witnesses
could run that fast."
"Well... that was a heavy dinner. All I need now is an enema
and a blowjob."
"How come you are so much fatter than your sister anyway?"
"Nice dress. could i borrow it sometime?"
"I never thought I'd look at a woman again but my last
boyfriend broke my heart, so I said to myself 'come on,
give it another try' "
"This is a bit slow, do you have any great looking
friends we could call?"

As posted to the UGA humor list by "Sarah W. Soderlund" (sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET)

Hints She May Be a Lesbian

10. Won't stop searching for your clit
9. Call your penis "putrid man meat"
8. Strange messages from Janet Reno on the answering machine.
7. Vomits every time you have sex
6. Has "Lisa" tattooed on her ass
5. Makes you wear a kd lang mask while you do it
4. Begs you to get breast implants
3. Gets moist at seafood restaurants
2. Yells out your sister's name during sex
1. Tuna breath

The woman yelled at her husband, "You're gonna be really sorry! I'm going to LEAVE you!" He responded, "Make up your mind! Which one is it gonna be?"

Excuses When She Catches You Wearing Her Panties

10. I must have put them on by mistake in the dark
9. I didn't have any clean ones left
8. They make me feel closer to you
7. I grew up getting my older sister's hand me downs
6. Boxers don't come in pink
5. There must have been a crease in the name, I thought it said Hanes for Men
4. It gives me greater empathy for the plight of women
3. Men's underwear chafes my skin
2. Sorry, I thought they were your Mom's
1. Does my butt look big in these?

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of least he'll shut up after you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was "Always".

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months, I don't like to interrupt her.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%....It's a Wedding cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffer-ring.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

What do women and cats have in common?
Pussy farts

The bumper sticker read: "I lost 250 pounds in one day! I divorced her."

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law

John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate
their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new
Mink Coat?" he asks.
"Not really," says Mary.
"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.
"No," she responds.
"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he
She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."
"Well what would you like for your anniversary?" John
"John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary.
"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says

Thanks DaisyDuck_2000.

Excuses When You Catch Her Blowing the Plumber

10. He passed out, I'm giving him mouth-to-penis resuscitation
9. Oh! I thought that was you in a plumber's outfit!
8: The sight of his butt crack just drove me mad
7. I slipped and fell on it
6. He asked for help cleaning out the pipes
5. I was having an epileptic seizure, and he didn't want me to swallow my tongue
4. You told me not to blow any 'money' on a plumber
3. He said he couldn't finish the job without "workmen's compensation"
2. I was just acting out what I saw on your porn videos
1. He didn't want to fuck me without a rubber.

Excuses When She Finds Your Copy of Hung Studz

10. I bought it as a present for you
9. It's a home improvement magazine. Really.
8.I thought it might help me identify gay guys, so I can avoid them.
7. There's a guy in there looks just like me, might be my long lost brother
6. I was considering modeling for them
5. I'm into photography, and they use some very interesting lighting choices.
4. Wait a second! These aren't horses!
3. I like looking at the latest hairstyles
2. Must be gay ghosts in the house
1. I read it for the articles

Bad Arguments for Anal Sex

10. Her pussy is so loose, you hope her ass might be tighter
9. You just want to make sure she doesn't have any polyps up there
8. You want her to experience what it was like for you in prison
7. Your mistress lets you do it
6. It makes it easier to pretend that she's a man
5. You're allergic to pussy juice
4. It smells much better from the rear
3. After all, it's the purest expression of love
2. Your ex-lover Bob always enjoyed it
1. You just want to hear her squeal like a pig

What You Hope She Won't Say During Sex

10. See, Monistat doubles as a lubricant
9. Maybe you should put your clothes back on
8. Would you just hold me?
7. Guess you forgot to take your Viagra again
6. Doesn't it feel natural? My surgeon is a genius
5. Be careful, you're crushing my crabs
4. Move your head I can't see the TV.
3. Your dad's so much better than this
2. If you feel any rough spots, don't worry, it's just warts
1. Is it in yet?

Hints Your Girlfriend is a Transsexual

10.No need for shoulder pads
9.At family picnic, kids keep calling her Uncle Jennifer
8. She keeps walking into men's room
7. That deep, sexy voice
6. Five o'clock shadow
5. Constantly leaves the toilet seat up
4. Size 14 feet
3. Scars in all the wrong places
2. Hips like a school boy
1. Two words: Adam's Apple

19 Things To Do In A Bathroom Stall

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,"May I borrow a highlighter?"

2.Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say "Damn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors yelling,"Whoa! Easy boy !!"

11. Say," Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your >butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your "Cross-Dressors Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"

Bad Nicknames for Her Vagina

10. Stinkhole
9. Black Hole Of Calcutta
8. Cock Socket
7. Pink Taco
6. Bottomless Pit
5. Dead Clam
4. Cum Crack
3. Hatchet Wound
2. Raison d'Etre
1. Cunt

Advice from Men to Women
1. The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.

2. Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.

3. When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.

4. When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.

5. If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.

6. If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.

7. If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.

8. I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.

9. Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.

10. Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.

11. If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.

12. I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.

13. Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was
engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out
"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad
here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a
season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a
season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.

Thanks DaisyDuck_2000.

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples!!" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

Facts about us men, yeah.

Fact #1 SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
Fact #2 Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
Fact #3 Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew or the local Patagonia store. Fact #4 If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
Fact #5 Butthead is the smart one.
Fact #6 Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
Fact #7 You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
Fact #8 Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
Fact #9 Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
Fact #10 Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
Fact #11 Socks never constitute a gift.
Fact #12 Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
Fact #13 We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
Fact #14 We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
Fact #15 Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
Fact #16 Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld." Fact #17 Curley is the bald one.
Fact #18 Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
Fact #19 Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
Fact #20 Its in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.
Fact #21 Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
Fact #22 Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation are not.
Fact #23 Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
Fact #24 No, you can't have the remote control.
Fact #25 If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.

The Male Mind

10 Things Women Will Simply Never Understand

Men are a misunderstood lot, which all in all is probably for the best. Women are
better off not knowing that we eat with our hands the minute they leave the room or
that we use their nail clippers to trim our nose hair. Better for them, better for
us. Still, it's annoying that women spend more time and money trying to understand
the minds of cats than they do wondering about what makes men tick. Which is why
they'll never understand...

1. Our consuming need to own the biggest and most expensive version of just about everything.
Our compulsive desire to drive off-road vehicles in cities and use corkscrews that resemble off-shore drilling equipment is well-documented. As marketing targets, men are suckers for terms like "professional"or "industrial strength", because inside every man is the germ of every profession he ever imagined himself one day excelling at. Most of these purchases are harmless, little more than childish wish-fulfilment played out at a higher testorerone level. But occasionally we go too far. The guy upstairs from me once boasted that he had a filter which filled his flat with "operating theatre-quality air". I kept him away from my surgical-steel steak knives.

2. Why we are so bad at shopping.
We've never been trained to do it the right way. Supermarkets are like giant booby traps for males - which is why if you send a man out to but eggs, sugar and bread you should not be surprised if he returns home with a case of wine, a pair of jeans and a tree.

3. The reason why we don't like to discuss The Relationship.

Most of us will find any excuse to dodge those conversations that start with questions like "Are you really happy?" and "Where do you see us going?" A relationship is a delicate thing, like an antique clock, and we know what will happen if we start picking it apart. Often our reticence will result in a lengthy conversation about why we have trouble talking about The Relationship.

4. Why we think we can fix things.
Almost all men believe they can repair virtually anything with a little patience. In reality, we're only half right. Men are extremely good at taking things apart: whether it's a dishwasher or an antique clock, a man can break it down to its most basic components in no time. Unfortunately, this is where our expertise usually leaves off, and we're mostly satisfied with leaving bits and pieces spread all over newspaper on the kitchen table.

5. Men and video games.
Women cannot understand how grown men can waste huge chunks of their lives zapping things off a screen. When a man repeatedly rings his girlfriend to say he has to work late and routinely comes home at two in the morning all glassy-eyed, she will usually take this as evidence of an affair - when it's more likely that a pirated copy of Streetfighter II is making the rounds at the office.

6. That sometimes we really are ill.
When men get ill, women are generally united in their belief that we are faking it. This is based on a tired old axiom stating that men will never fully understand the agony of childbirth so deserve no sympathy regarding matters of pain, fear or incapacitation. For the record, it should be noted that all men are in a constant state of feeling slightly under the weather just from being men. It's only a misplaced sense of machismo that forces us from our beds every day to go into work and then down to the pub for a couple of schooners of the only thing that ever makes us feel any better.

7. The way we watch television.
Men don't just watch the TV, they plug right in. Once we're on the right wavelength, we can watch almost anything, including commercials, with a slack-jawed intensity which probably drives you crazy. Unfortunately for women, men cannot achieve this higher state without a firm grasp on the remote.

8. Our sense of humor.
When women say that what they most want from a man is a sense of humor, they tend to mean something different from what we mean. Women never understand the comic genius of your mate who makes beer come out of his nose.

9. Why we're so boring.
Male conversation generally relies heavily on petty obsession, technical jargon, numbing detail and presumed expertise. Topics that women only feel the need to mention in passing become Test-Match length debates among men. True, some of us are able to combine a scintillating wit with a flair for story-telling and a nose for gossip, but we tend to reserve these talents for conversations with women. Between ourselves, the drive to talk at length about tire pressure or "Star Trek" episodes is too alluring. Even if your local pool team boasted Socrates, Einstein and Oscar Wilde as members, you'd still probably have to discuss the fastest way to get to the freeway.

10. The male menopause.
Mid-life crisis, the seven-year itch, whatever you like to call it - women don't understand the seriousness of this condition, instead seeing it only as an excuse for a man to resign from his job, buy a Harley Davidson and start a relationship with a woman a third of his age. Like there has to be more to it than that.

Seven Stages of the Married Cold

Stage 1: Sugar dumpling, I've really been worried about my baby girl. That's a bad sniffle and there's no telling about these things with all the strep that's going around. I'm going to put you in the hospital for a general check-up and a good rest. I know the food's terrible, but I'm going to bring you dinner every night from Rosini's. I've got it all arranged with the floor supervisor.

Stage 2: Listen, darling, I don't like the sound of that cough. I'm going to call Doc Miller to rush over here. Now you go to bed like a good girl just for papa.

Stage 3: Maybe you'd better lie down, honey. Nothing like a little rest when you feel lousy. I'll bring you something. Have you got any canned soup?

Stage 4: Now look, dear, be sensible. After you've fed the kids and gotten the dishes done and the floor mopped, you'd better lie down.

Stage 5: Why don't you take a couple of aspirins?

Stage 6: If you'd just gargle or something instead of sitting around barking like a seal all evening!

Stage 7: Would you stop coughing on me?!? Are you trying to give me pneumonia?!?

pick-up line "come backs"

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and mine will be too if you sit down."

Man: "If this seat is taken, maybe you want sit on my face?"
Woman: "Why? Is your nose bigger than your dick?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not enter."

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you--to leave."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "Your hair color is fabulous."
Woman: "Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store."

Man: "You look like a dream."
Woman: "Go back to sleep."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "May I have the last dance?"
Woman: "You've just had it."

Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?"
Woman: "What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?"

Man: "Hey baby! That dress looks gorgeous on you! But,
it would look even better laying on my bedroom floor."
Woman: "You're right, but the only way it'll get there is
if you buy another one just like it and throw it there yourself!"

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one a*shole in there."

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"

After hearing a pick-up line:
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."

Older man: "Where have you been all my life?"
Woman: "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."

Man: "What do I have to give you for one little kiss?"
Woman: "Chloroform"

Man: "Wanna dance?"
Woman: "Lifes too short to dance with ugly guys."

(after being pestered by a guy who just won't take a hint...)
Woman: "Listen, unless you're a hemmoroid, get off my ass!"

(after being crudely hinted at to give a guy a "blow-job")
Look him dead in the eye, scan down, back up to his face,
smirk and say;
Woman: "Sorry, I choke on small bones."

Woman: "I wouldn't sleep with you if your were the last man on earth and I had run out of batteries."

Man: I have seen you looking at me all night and I know I make you think of sex.
Woman: Yeah, 'cause you look like a prick.

What You Wish She'd Say After a Blowjob

10. Gee, that's yummy
9. How much do I owe you?
8. I'm gonna tell all my friends how great you are!
7. You really quenched my thirst
6. Lets pop my cherry next!
5. You make a great pacifier
4. You're so huge, I could barely get you in my mouth
3. More, please
2. Oops! I spilled some! I'll just save it for later
1. I'm drinking milk for good

I'm glad I'm a man : song

I'm Glad I'm A Man

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe. I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west I don't get wasted after only 2 beers and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear, I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair and I don't go around checking my reflection in everything shiny from every direction. I don't whine in public and make us leave early and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring. I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back I don't carry our differences into the sack. I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too I know what the time is and I know what to do. And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two balls and stand when I pee I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball It's more fun than dealing with women after all I won't cry if you figure out it's not going to work I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk. Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery I don't get all bitchy every 28 days
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!


Three guys were drinking in a pub. Two of them were talking about the
amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remained

After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said,
"Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your

The third fellow said, "I'll tell you. Just the other night, my wife
came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed, and uttered,
"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"

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