Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy
and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic
cigarette lighter.
The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you
get it?"
"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."
"Great, can I try it?"
"Sure."
First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You
are granted one wish says the genie."
The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"
"Done" says the genie and disappears. A few minutes go
by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come
pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks
falling all over each other through the bar door.
"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just
placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a
million ducks!"
The second guy then says, "Do you really think I
wished for a 12" Bic?"
_______________________________________________________
Subject: Be Careful!
Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home.
A local man was found murdered in his home this
week.
Detectives at the scene, found the man face down in
his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk and
cornflakes and he had a banana sticking out of his
ass.
Police suspect a cereal killer.
_______________________________________________________
Three Kick Rule
A big city California lawyer went duck hunting in
rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell
into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly
farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he
was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell
in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you
are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best
trial attorneys in the U.S. , and I'll sue you and
take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you
don't know how we do things in Texas.
We settle small disagreements like this with the
Texas Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick
Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three
times and then you kick me three times, and so on,
back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed
contest and decided to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor
and walked up to the city feller.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot
into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his
face.
The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's
third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed
to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now
it's my turn."
(I love this part......)
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up.
You can have the duck."
_______________________________________________________
The madam of a bawdy house answered the ring of the
bell, and on opening the door, she found standing
there on the threshold an ancient, bearded gentleman
in rabbi's garb.
"May I come in?" asked the rabbi gently in an aged,
quavering voice.
Feeling a little confused, the madam said, "But rabbi,
surely you must be in the wrong place. Here is where
we..."
"I know what you do here," interrupted the rabbi. "You
don't think I came here for chopped liver, do you?
Bring on da girls."
Still confused, but understanding her professional
duties, the madam had several girls line up. The rabbi
tottered from one to another until he reached Rose, a
large redhead with enormous breasts. He looked at her
with appreciation and pointed, "Good! I'll take
those."
The rabbi paid out the necessary sum and Rosie led him
upstairs. She helped him off with his coat and hung it
up carefully on the nail on the door. Then she helped
him off with the rest of his clothes and got into bed.
There, to Rosie's astonishment, the rabbi performed
with skill that was unbelievable. In fact, Rosie, a
hardened professional, found herself surprised into
orgasm.
As they lay in bed a few minutes afterwards, relaxing,
Rosie said, "How old are you, Rabbi?"
The rabbi said, "God has been good to me. I am
eighty-eight years old."
"That is certainly amazing. Listen, Rabbi, if you're
ever in the neighborhood again and if you should feel
in the mood, please ask for me... Rosie. I would be
delighted to oblige you."
The rabbi said, with a certain hauteur, "What do you
mean, if I should be in the mood again? Let me sleep
for five minutes right now, and believe me, I will be
in the mood again."
"Really, Rabbi? Then please take a nap."
"Okay."
The rabbi adjusted himself into a relaxed position,
face up, placed his arms across his chest and then
said, "Wait one minute. This is important. While I'm
asleep, scoop up my testicles with your right hand and
hold them an inch above the sheet without moving them.
Keep them absolutely motionless."
"Of course, Rabbi," said Rosie, and did as she was
told, holding the rabbi's testicles free of the sheet.
For five minutes the rabbi slept, then woke with a
start and said, "I'm ready." To Rosie's delight, he
was even better the second time around.
As she lay panting, Rosie said, "It was wonderful,
Rabbi, but one thing I don't understand is why was it
necessary to hold your testicles motionless above the
sheet while you were sleeping?"
"Oh that," said the rabbi. "Well, you are a nice girl
and I like you very much, but the truth is I don't
know you very well, and over there in my coat is five
hundred dollars."
_______________________________________________________
The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and
saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had
enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a
large moustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his
new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and
sent it off to his parents.
On the back of the photo he scrawled: "How do you like
it? Don't I look like a count?"
Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You
idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college,
and you can't even spell!"
( Ummmm to those of you who didn't get this one...
*count* = *cunt*)
_______________________________________________________
How To Crap Like A Man
1. Select reading material.
2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a
dump, okay?" Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially
when she has visitors.
3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit
down.
4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably
without touching the toilet rim.
5. Open reading material and relax.
6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.
7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is
quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket
up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to
be endured if you want to be a real man.
8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles
set in to your legs and buttocks.
9. Rise and look at the crap. Make mental notes of
irregularities to report to friends and
girlfriend/wife, e.g. color, consistency, any visible
traces of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it.
10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must
look at the paper before throwing it into the bowl.
*Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence
of feces on the paper.
11. Flush. If there is any residue left on the bowl,
under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due
course, it will come away by itself. Or, when your
girlfriend/wife next uses the toilet.
12. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on
the floor (you can use it again later).
13. Wash your hands once.
14. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is
important to a man's self-esteem that other people
smell his produce.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is a famous saying which states that "necessity
is the mother of invention", however the inventions on
this list seem far from necessary.
**Makeup That is Tattooed on:
You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about
when you're fifty?
**Colored Elastics For Braces:
As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out
enough.
**Crayons That Smell:
Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them.
**Juicers:
Carrot-peach-avocado-rhutabaga-pomegranate-yam juice
was not meant to be.
**Colored Contact Lenses:
Oh, yeah, purple is such a natural eye color.
**Fake Eyelashes:
You shouldn't be able to braid your eyelashes.
**The Epilady:
Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.
**Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers:
Kleenex does not get chilly.
**Heated and/or Padded Toilet Seats:
Your not supposed to spend the day there. Comfort
should not be a pressing concern. Get in, do your
thing, and get out.
**Thong underwear:
Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual
wedgie.
**Doggie Sweaters:
Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr.
Rogers.
_______________________________________________________
TOP 10 LEAST IMPRESSIVE RESUME CLAIMS
10. Supervised Southern Florida election process, 2000
- 2001.
9. Graduated in top 95% of high school class.
8. Designed and implemented company-wide plastic
silverware recycling program.
7. Promoted to assistant groundskeeper after just 8
years.
6. Hobbies/interests: Puppetry, Star Trek.
5. Published in Penthouse Forum, April 1980, August
1981.
4. Professional affiliations: American Bar
Association, Former Inmates of America.
3. Created Herbal Essence "orgasmic" shampoo
commercials.
2. Skills include: Reading, 'riting, 'rithmetic.
1. Invented the Internet.
_______________________________________________________
SAYINGS YOU MAY WANT ON YOUR T-SHIRT
1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a
cigarette.
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute
of it.
3) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on
me!
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to
kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out
alive.
7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to
me.
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) Earth.....is the insane asylum for the universe.
10) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
11) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
13) I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather ..
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his
car.
14) God must love stupid people, He made so many of
them.
15) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
16) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get
you.
17) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
18) Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
19) Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
20) Beer - The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!
21) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With
Assholes!
22) "That's It! I'm Calling Nana!" (seen on an 8 -
year old).
23) "Wrinkled.... Was Not One of the Things I Wanted
to Be When I Grew Up."
24) "Procrastinate.....Now."
25) "Rehab....Is for Quitters"
26) "My Dog.... Can Lick Anyone."
27) "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want
Fries With That?"
28) "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size
shirt).
29)"Finally 21, and Legally Able to do Everything I've
been doing since I was 15"
30) "Arkansas: One Million People and 15 last names."
31) "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION.It comes bundled with
the software."
32) "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN!"
33) "A hangover is the wrath of grapes."
34) "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash
advance."
35) "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
36) "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music."
37) "They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was
already taken."
38) "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless
dead."
39) "Time is fun when you're having flies" Kermit
the Frog.
40) "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have
nothing to go on."
41) "FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. never fired. Dropped
once."
42) "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN
GOSH"
43) "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a
lifetime commitment for a pig"
44) "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20
years."
45) "The trouble with life is there's no background
music."
46) "The original point and click interface was a
Smith & Wesson.
47) "MOP AND GLOW - The Floor Wax used by Three Mile
Island cleanup team."
48) "NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy,
why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine"
49) "My husband and I divorced over religious
differences. He thought he was God and I didn't"
_______________________________________________________
Sad news
I don't usually pass on sad news like this, but
sometimes we need to pause and remember what life is
all about. (and especially during trying times such
as these :)
There was a great loss recently: Larry LaPrise, who
wrote the song "Hokey Pokey," died this week at age
83.
It was extremely difficult for the family to keep him
in the casket. They'd put his left leg in, he'd put
his left leg out, they put his right leg in, then he'd
.... well ... you know the rest...
Sad
__________________________________________________________
You're A Redneck When... 2002 Edition
You take your dog for a walk, and you both use the
same tree.
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with
a fly
swatter.
Your property has been mistaken for a recycling
center.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off
the high dive.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
Your entire family sat around waiting for a call
from the governor to spare a loved one.
You offer to give someone the shirt off your
back, and they decline it.
You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
You come back from the dump with more than you
took.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas
list.
You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the
monkeys.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
You've been involved in a custody fight over a
hunting dog.
Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing
fixture.
You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
You go to the stock car races and don't need a
program.
You know how many bales of hay your car will
hold.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
Your house doesn't have curtains but
your truck does.
You wonder how service stations keep
their restrooms so clean.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You consider your license plate personalized
because your father made it.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping
to fill your deer quota.
You have a complete set of salad bowls and they
all say Cool Whip on the side.
The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
Your working TV sits on top of your non-working
TV.
You thought the Uni-bomber was a wrestler.
You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of
K-Mart.
Your neighbors think you're a detective because
a cop always brings you home.
A tornado hits your neighborhood and does
$100,000 worth of improvement.
You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin?"
You missed 5th grade graduation because you
had jury duty.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
Somebody tells you that you've got something in
your teeth and you take them out to see what
it is.
_______________________________________________________
A gas station in "redneck country" was trying to
increase its sales so the owner put up a sign saying
"Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his
tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told
him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he
guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The
buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No,
but you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free
sex this time, but maybe next time."
Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his
buddy this time, they pulled in again for a fill-up,
and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor
again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess
the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time and
the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were
close, but no free sex this time."
As were driving away, the driver said to his buddy,
"I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex."
The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife
won twice last week.
_______________________________________________________
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the
road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The
passenger, Bubba, said "lookey thar up ahead, Earl,
it's poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer
drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull
over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the
label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the
bottles under the seat".
"What fer?", asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty
bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their
forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said,
"You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch"
___________________________________________________________
Here are some one liners, that may already have been posted. If not, then there are a lot of them listed below.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call a truck load of vibrators?
Toys for Twats
What doyou call a herd of masturbating cattle?
Beef Strokenoff
Why does an elephant have four feet?
Because, 8 inches isnt enough
What doyou call 2 gay guys named Bob?
Oral Roberts
How do you get an italian woman pregnant?
Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
How do you get 3 men off a couch?
Jerk one off, and the other 2 come
Whats red and has 7 dents?
Snow Whites cherry
What do soy beans and dildos have in common?
Both are meat substitutes
Whats the difference between chicken and meat?
If you beat your chicken, it would die.
What do you call a cow with an abortion?
Decalfinated
Why dont chickens wear underwear?
Because their peckers are on their faces.
What do you call a pimple on a mans ass?
A brain tumor
Have you heard of the new Procter and Gamble product?
Toxic Shock Absorbers
Have you heard the new Toxic Shock Rock group?
They only play ragtime
What do eating pussy and the mafia have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.
How do you have paper dolls?
Screw an old bag
How can you tell who is the head nurse?
The one with the holes in the knees of her pantyhose
Have you heard about the new oriental cookbook?
Its called 101 Ways to Wok Your Dog
Why couldnt the little Greek boy run away from home?
He couldnt leave his brothers behind.
What did the farmer do with his first 50 cent piece?
He married her
What does the post office and Kenneys have in common?
Both have 30,000 Black Loafers
How do you get a one armed blond man out of a tree?
Wave to him
How do you cure a blonde woman of Nymphomainia?
Marry her
Whats Billy Jean Kings latest advertising sponsor?
Snap On Tools Of America
Whats worst than getting attacked by Jack the Ripper?
Getting fingered by Captain Hook
Why did Bin Laden staple his nuts together?
Since he couldnt lick them, he felt he should join them
How do you keep a Moron in suspense?
(Say Nothing)
What do you get when you cross a black guy with Bo Derek?
A 10 of spades
What do you do when your Tampax catches fire?
Throw it on the floor and TAMPON it
Whats invisible and smells like carrots?
Bunny farts
How can you tell Dolly Partons kids in the group?
They are the kids with stretch marks on their lips
Whats old and wrinkled and smells like Ginger?
Fred Astair's face
Which of the following doesnt belong?
Meat, eggs, wife, or blowjobs. A blow job, because you can beat your wife, eggs, or meat, but you cant beat a blow job.
Whats the definition of a virgin?
An ugly third grader
Whats the definition of a happy Roman?
Glad-i-at-or
Whats the definition of a gay frenchwoman?
Gaelic
What does an elephant use for a Tampax?
Sheep
What do you get when you cross a penis with a potato?
A Dic-tator 
