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Just A Lot of One Liners

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Here are a bunch of one liners, dealing with men. I have made the text small, so I could make sure I have room for all of these. Enjoy.


Why do men prefer blondes?
Men always like intellectual company.

Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
B. Penicillin

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A.A dog is always happy to see you
B.A dog only takes a couple of months to train

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.

How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in
convenience stores and drive-through windows.

Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.

Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.

Why do men like masturbation?
Its sex with someone they love.

How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.

What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.


What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.

Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A.So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
B.So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.

Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?
To keep the swelling down.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."

How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
A.One - men will screw anything.
B.One - men will screw up anything.
C.Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it

How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.

What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

How can you tell if a man is aroused?
He's breathing.

What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

What do men and beer have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Who knows? - did it ever happen??

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

What is a man's idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.

Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the shit out of you.

Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises?
So oxygen can get into their brains

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes

Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini

Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
Because they can understand them

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.

Why is a woman different from a PC?
A woman won't accept a 3" floppy

Why is a man different from a PC?
You only have to tell the PC once

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites Attract.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.

What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.

What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.

How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.

What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
An insurance company.

Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.

What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
A snowwoman is easier to make, because with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles.

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.

How do you know if a man is lying?
His lips are moving!

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell!

How are men like chocolates?
A.They never last long enough
B.They always leave stains whenever they get hot.

What's the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they get drunk!

What do you get when you cross a man with a pig?
Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.

What's a sure sign a man is planning to be unfaithful?
If he has a penis.

What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Miss her. Pity her. Submitted by Elizabeth

How does a man save a woman from being attacked on the street at night?
He controls himself.

Why don't men like to drink coffee at work?
It keeps them awake.

Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
So they can find their way back to the house.

Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son?
Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.

Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?
Because the text on the nappies package said '18-40 lbs'.

Why do men come home drunk and leave their clothes on the floor?
Because they are in them.

Why do men want to vote for a female President?
Because we'd only have to pay her half as much.

What's the difference between a man and a messy room?
You can straighten up a messy room.

What's the difference between a man and an ox?
Fifteen pounds and a six-pack.

How many men would it take to mop a floor?
No one knows; they've never done it.

What is a "successful hunting trip" ?
When three men kill 9 cases of Budweiser in two days

What's the difference between a man and Bigfoot?
One is covered with matted hair and smells awful. The other has big feet.

What does a man call true love?
An erection.

Why is a man like a moped?
They're both fun to ride until your friends see you with one.

What's the difference between a man and a parrot?
You can teach a parrot to talk nicely.

What's the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital?
At a mental hospital you have to show improvement to get out.

What is six inches long, two inches wide and make men act like fools?
Money.

What's the most effective birth control device for men.
Their manners.

What's a dumb man's martini?
An olive in a glass of beer.

How do men define insomnia?
Waking up every few days.

Why are marriend women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.

Why don't men believe in paternity tests?
Because the sample is taken from their finger.

Men are proof of reincarnation.
You can't get that dumb in just one lifetime.

Nobody can call him a quitter.
He always gets fired.

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

Why does the man bother?
He's hoping for a lucky stroke.
Mine.

Why do male bosses have such poor grammar?
Because they end every sentence with a proposition.

Why don't men cook at home?
No one's invented a steak that will fit in the toaster.

Wife: "I won the lottery! Five million dollars. Whoo-ee--start packing!"
Husband "That's great!!! What should I pack?"
Wife: "Whatever you want, just be out of the house by the time I get there"

Behind every great woman is a man telling her she's ignoring him.

Behind every great man is a puzzled woman.

What did God say after she made Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."

How does a woman know the man is cheating on her?
He starts bathing twice a week.

He keeps a record of everything he eats.
It's called a tie.

What's the one thing that keeps most men out of college?
High School.

Husband: "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
Wife: "No problem, I'll get you some that is."

We try to keep him out of the kitchen.
Last time he cooked he burned the salad.

Why don't men eat between meals.
There *IS* no "between" meals.

What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat?
Divorce him.

What is the definition of an inconsiderate husband?
One who wins a trip to Paris and goes by himself, twice.

How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirt; We iron/ they wrinkle.

How are men like noodles?
They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough. When they're done, they're limp (added by Sue)

Why don't men do laundry?
Cause the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!

What do you call a woman that works like a man??
A Lazy bitch.

Why are men the best basket players?
...play with balls... dribble... dunk. Need I say more?

What's the difference between a man and a cow?
One brain cell that prevents them from shitting all over the place!

Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes?
It had a penis AND a brain!

Why are men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.
Why did Moses wander the desert for fourty years?
He wouldn't ask for directions


Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.


All the women moaning about finding a husband have obviously never had one


Why do most men prefer looks to brains?
Because most men see better than they think.


What do you call a man who lost 95% of his brainpower?
A widower


When does a man open the door of the car for his wife?
A.When he has a new car.
B.When he has a new wife.


Why are gingerbread men the best men of all?
They are cute. They are sweet. and if they give you any lip, you can bite their heads off.


Why did the bachelor have trouble putting his shoes on?
His mother told him to put fresh socks on every day.


What are the words women hate to hear when they are enjoying great sex?
"Honey! I'm home!"


What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.


Why don't men eat more M & M's?
They are too hard to peel.


I've got a head I can't think with. An eye I can't see with, and most of all I have to hang around with two nuts all the time. My closest neighbour is an asshole, my best friend is a pussy. Worst of all is my owner beats me all the time!


Why do men need instant replays on TV-sports?
Because they have forgotten what happened after 30 seconds.


Why is a man just like a dog?
A.Both have irrational fears of vacuum cleaning.
B.Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
C.Both are suspicious of the postman.


Why did God create man first?
Easy, He needed a rough draft.


What do ceramic tiles and men have in common?
If you lay them right in the beginning, you can walk over them for life.


How is a man in bed like microwave food?
30 seconds and he is done.


A man makes love like he drives a car...
Never checks to see if you come before he pulls out.


What's it called when a woman gets paralyzed from the waist down?
Marriage.


Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.


What do men call pulling off a woman's panty hose?
Foreplay.


What is a husband?
It's an attachment you screw to the bed to get shelves put up.


What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A bar of chocolate.


Did you hear about the woman who finally figured men out?
She died laughing before she could tell anybody.


What would the man call a woman who can suck an orange through a waterhose?
Darling.


What's the definition of Male Chauvinist Pig?
A man who hates every bone in a woman's body - except his own.


Why do men like BMWs?
They can spell it.


Why are men and spray paint alike?
One squeeze and they're all over you


Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much?
They like being able to both eat and make love during the commercial break.


Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
At least then they would get a little attention every 3 months or 3,000 miles, whichever came first.


Why do blonde women have bruises around their navels?
Blonde men aren't that clever either.


How do you keep a man from wanting sex?
You marry him.


Why do a married man and his single male friend envy each other?
Each one thinks the other is having sex more often.


How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
a) None. Let the bitch do it herself.
b) None. Let the bitch cook in the dark.


How does a real man know whenever his girlfriend is having an orgasm?
We don't know, we never met a man who cares.


Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."


What three little word comes to a mans mind when his wife gets
sentimental over a romantic movie?
"Pass the popcorn."


Why don't men get hemorrhoids?
Because they are all perfect assholes.


Why are men like paper cups?
They're dispensable.


How can a woman find out what life's like without a man around?
Get married.


What is the difference between a pregnant belly and a beer belly?
One gives birth and the other gives burps.


How are boyfriends like cockroaches?
They hang around the kitchen and it's hard to get rid of them.


What piece of furniture was named after the typical man?
The La-Z-Boy recliner.


If one man can wash one stack of dishes in one hour, how many stacks of dishes can four men wash in four hours?
None. They'll all sit down together and watch football on television.


What's the greatest mystery about men?
How they can get older but still manage to remain immature.


How can you tell if a man's playing around?
He sends you love notes that are photocopied and begin with the line, "To whom it may concern..."


What do men have difficulty retaining?
a) a job
b) a budget
c) a promise
d) a secret
e) a friendship
f) a marriage
g) an anniversary date
h) a 15 minute erection
i) all of the above


What does a man notice most when he's with his girlfriend?
Every other woman around.


What's the only way to have your husband remember your anniversary?
Get married on his birthday.


Who are balding men trying to fool when they comb the few wisps of hair that they still have, across their heads?
Themselves.


How is a man and a sports car alike?
Neither one can be depended on and they both move too fast.


Why did the man cross the road?
a) Because his penis told him to.
b) Because he thought he could get laid if he did.
c) So the useless driver (a woman) down the street could hit him.
d) Because another man dared him to and called him a pussy.


What do you do if your bank account stops working?
Divorce him.


Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital.


What do you get when four men go fishing and one comes back after having caught nothing?
"Three Men And A Baby"


How many men does it take to dirty up 12 pots while cooking a meal?
One


What is the only weight lifting many men do in a day?
Lifting themselves out of bed and doing arm curls with beer can dumbbells.


What is the average number of times in a bachelor's life that his bed is made?
Once, when it was still in the factory.

Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away?
a) Get away or I'll call the police!!!
b) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.

How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to open a beer can?
None. The bitch should have had it open when she brought it.

How many husbands does it take to change a light bulb?
a) We'll know as soon as one gets off the couch and does it.
b) Six. One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.

What's the easiest way for a wife cause hearing loss in her husband?
Say she wants to talk to him.

When do men insist that women are illogical?
When a woman doesn't agree with them.

What's the real reason men can't communicate?
It's hard to drink beer and talk at the same time.

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.

Why do so few men end up in heaven?
They never stop to ask for directions.

What does a man think foreplay is?
a) It's something that you do on the golf course.
b) It's something that occurs 2 minutes before having sex.

How do some men avoid making a wrong career move?
They never get a job.

What is a "man about town"?
He's here, there, and everywhere, except home.

What could men do to make their marriages last longer?
Pay less attention to prenuptial agreements and more to postnuptial affection.

What are the only two kinds of men?
Studs and duds.

How can you tell it's puppy love for a man?
He slobbers all over you.

What can a woman find at both gyms and singles bars?
Dumbbells.

How could Will Rogers say, "I never met a man I didn't like"?
He never had to date one.

How can you tell if a man you're dating is lazy?
He *throws* his kisses.

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