Horses in the race are:
1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Smooth Thighs
8. Big Johnson
9. Heavy Bosom
10. Merry Cherry
Place your bets.
And they're off...!
Conscience is left behind at the post.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate Lady is caught between Smooth Thighs and
Big Johnson in a very tight spot.
At the halfway mark it's Bare Belly on top.
Smooth Thighs open up and Big Johnson is pressed in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Smooth Thighs are working hard on
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big
At the stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.
Big Johnson is making a final drive.
Passionate Lady is coming.
At the finish it's Big Johnson giving everything he's
got and Passionate Lady taking everything Big Johnson
has to offer.
It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts
through and wins by a head.
Heavy Bosom weakens and Smooth Thighs pulls-up the
Clean Sheets never had a chance.
Top 10 Party Games for People Over 50
10. Sag! You're it!
9. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.
8. 20 questions shouted in your good ear.
7. Kick the bucket.
6. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over.
5. Doc, doc, goose.
4. Simon says something incoherent.
3. Musical recliners.
2. Spin the bottle of Mylanta.
AND THE NUMBER 1 PARTY GAME FOR OLD PEOPLE IS...
1. Hide and go pee!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: I'm with you, honey, those guys are the scum
of the earth.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of vegetables left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that bathrobe.
19 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN.
1. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
2. The one thing that unites all human beings,
regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status
or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we
ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
3. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up
4. People who want to share their religious views with
you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. The main accomplishment of almost all organized
protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to
take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is
always one individual who perceives a solution and is
willing to take command. Very often, that individual
9. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and
10. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
11. Never lick a steak knife.
12. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill
and a laxative on the same night.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a
clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even
remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you
can see an actual baby emerging from her at that
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting
other people to make a big deal about your birthday.
That time is age 11.
16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason
why the human race has not achieved, and never will
achieve, its full potential, that word would be
17. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the
waiter, is not a nice person.
18. And when God, who created the entire universe with
all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to
humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person
on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
19. Your friends love you, anyway.
In pharmacology all drugs have generic names. Tylenol
is acetaminophen; Advil is ibuprofen; and so on. The
FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. It
announced today that it has settled on mycoxafailin.
Other names considered were mycoxafloppin,
mydixadrupin, mycoxnoworkin, and mydixarizen.
Also on the agenda: Choosing a slogan for the drug.
Here are the top 10:
10. Viagra, it's whaazzzzz up!
9. Viagra, the quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be
6. Viagra, be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, strong enough for a man but made for a
3. Viagra, tastes great! more filling!
2. Viagra, we bring good things to life!
And the Number 1 slogan being considered by Viagra:
1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs.
2001 Darwin Awards Are Here!!
The latest Darwin Awards update... The Darwin Awards,
for those not familiar, are for those individuals who
contribute to the survival of the fittest by
eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they
have a chance to breed.
1. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of
getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with
which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not
surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he
vomited into the fireplace in his house. This
resulting explosion and fire burned his house down,
killing both him and his sister.
2. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the
basement of his home died of suffocation, according to
police. He was approximately 6'2" tall and weighed 225
pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra,
black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It
appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's
He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the
filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in
its place. The other end of the hose was connected to
an end of a hollow wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3"
in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into
his rear end for reasons unknown, and was the cause of
his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining
the circumstances of his death to his family very
3. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light
aircraft at low altitude when another plane
approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of
their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found
dead in the wreckage with their pants around their
4. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car
on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree,
seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself.
As a commonplace road accident, this would not have
qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the
fact that the driver's attention had been distracted
by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently
beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to
press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's
life, the woman lost her own.
5. A 22-year-old Reston, VA man was found dead after
he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a
70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said
Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of
these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot,
anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink
Park, jumped and hit the pavement.
Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said
investigators think Barcia was alone because his car
was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had
assembled was greater than the distance between the
trestle and the ground", Carmichael said. Police say
the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma".
6. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It
seems that he and a friend were playing a game of
catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend,no
doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was
7. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west
Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly,
management evacuated the building, extinguishing all
potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two
technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon
entering the building, they found they had difficulty
navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of
the lights worked (you can see what's coming, can't
Witnesses later described the sight of one of the
technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an
object, that resembled cigarette lighter. Upon
operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the
warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three
miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but
the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion.
The technician suspected of causing the blast had
never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.
15 Ways to be Annoying
1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how
long it will take until your free refills cost money.
2) If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call.
3) Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your
backyard and tell your neighbors that you're a "spider
4) When attending a movie you've already seen, yell
out: "Don't let him in! He's the killer!"
5) When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the
salesperson how often you should walk it.
6) When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: "I hope I
fixed it this time."
7) Beep when a large person backs up.
8) Look around suspiciously in public and tell
onlookers about the "little men."
9) Insist on making inanimate objects "dance"
10) Occasionally talk into your hand in public.
11) Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until
it's full, then ask if anyone knows how to disarm a
bomb in less than 19 seconds.
12) When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour,
claw desperately at the roof of the car.
13) Insist that someone accompany you to the public
rest room because of Henry, the toilet monster.
14) While carpooling, make swervy turns while
imitating crash noises.
15) Insist that life is "one big musical," then try to
prove your theory by randomly breaking out into song
After much careful research, it has been discovered
that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.
Among them were:
His dizzy aunt...............................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes.........Gotta Gogh
The constipated uncle..................Cant Gogh
The brother a convenience store worker.......Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia.....................U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white..........Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois.............Chica Gogh
His magician uncle...................Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin...................Amee Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt.......Tan Gogh
A sister who loved disco...........Go Gogh
The bird lover uncle.................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst......E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin.............Man Gogh
The little bouncy nephew........Poe Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van....Winnie Bay Gogh
13 Fun Things To Do At Wal-Mart
While your friends/family take their own sweet time, here's a few things you can do to pass the time:
1. In housewares, set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.
2. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the restrooms.
3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a code 3 in domestics," and see what happens.
4. Go to Customer Service and put some M&M's on layaway.
5. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR sign to the carpeted areas.
6. Set up a tent in the camping department.... tells others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
7. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why won't you people leave me alone?"
8. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
9. Dart around the aisles suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible.'
10. While handling guns in the sporting goods department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. 11. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through whisper "Pick me!! Pick Me!!."
12. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, any announcement, assume the fetal position and scream "NO,NO! It's those voices again!"
13. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud...."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!!"
The Fart Poem
At times it is silent, at times it is not
at times it sneaks out and burns oh so hot!
When you'd like it to happen, it just won't come out
it hides and it waits till you're out and about!
The evil ones reek and embarrass us so
then laugh as they trail us wherever we go!
I know it's a function we can't live without,
but on a first date must they really come out??
Men light them on fire - it amuses them so
women fight to be quiet so that no one will know.
I can't figure why after eating good food
the smell that results could kill many a dude!
So here's to the fart, our warm smelly friend
you begin in my tummy, then come out my rear-end!
At age 4, success is....... not peeing your pants.
At age 12, success is...... having friends.
At age 20, success is...... having sex.
At age 35, success is...... making money.
At age 60, success is...... having sex.
At age 70, success is...... having friends.
At age 80, success is...... not peeing your pants
10 Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer
10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
And first and foremost:
1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
IN PRISON:You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK: You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON: You get three meals a day.
AT WORK: You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON: You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK: You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON:A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK:You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors by yourself.
IN PRISON: You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK: You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON: You get your own toilet.
AT WORK: You have to share.
IN PRISON: They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK: You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON: All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK: You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON: You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON: There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK: They are called supervisors.
Only In America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want To talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
OLD NEWS "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and
you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens
the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as
you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of
by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!
"OLD" IS WHEN..... When you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.