I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD"
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES"
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING"
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
From: the Penis
I, the Penis, hereby request an increase in salary for the following reasons:
(1) I do hard physical labor
(2) I work at great depths
(3) I plunge head first into everything I do
(4) I normally work weekends and holidays
(5) I work in a damp environment
(6) I don't get paid overtime
(7) I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
(8) I work in high temperatures
(9) My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Memo From: Management
To: the Penis
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request
for the following reasons:
(1) You have never worked a full eight hour shift
(2) You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
(3) You do not always follow the orders of management
(4) You do not stay in your allocated position, ...and often visit other areas
(5) You do not take initiative
(6) You need to be pampered in order to start working
(7) You leave the workplace rather messy at end of shift
(8) You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, ...such as wearing
the correct protective clothing
(9) You'll retire well before reaching 65
(10) You're unable to work double shifts
(11) You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work.
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to ask about it.
After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.
You know you're living in the 00's when:
1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
9. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
10. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
11. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.
13. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
15. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
16. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
18. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.
19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
21. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
AND THE CLINCHERS ARE...
22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
23. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends."
24. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you don't have time to check so you forward it anyway.
25. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.
26. This email has 20 different disclaimer notes at the bottom, telling you that the information is confidential, but you forward anyway.
Why English is so hard to learn
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Greeting Cards you'll never see
Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife.
How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell till I met you.
Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the %@#$ was I thinking?
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me.
If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister.
As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy.
Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before this!
Money is tight, times are hard, here's your %@#$&@* Christmas card!!!
Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again.
Someday I hope to get married, but not to you.
Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine.
I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened, especially since you survived.
Happy Birthday! You look great for your age. Almost lifelike!
Congratulations on getting Married! It's not every day you decide to ruin your life!
Sex with you is like using drugs. Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
We have been friends for a very long time...what say we call it quits.
I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
If you ever need a friend, buy a dog.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday--so we're having you put to sleep.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!
(available only in (state of your choice))