After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old
codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he
picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked,
"How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy." He bought the 'picture',
but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father.
So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields,
he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these
many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the
barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So
that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive
blonde lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a
single roll of the dice.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude."
With that she strips naked from her neck down, and rolls the dice while
yelling, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollers..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
Then she begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers.
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.
The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks,"What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Women Ruled the World
- PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
- Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
- A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.
- Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
- Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
- Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
- Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.
- Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
- Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
- Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're beautiful", "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."
- Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
- Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
- Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
- All toilet seats would be nailed down.
- Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
- TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
- All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator
- During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year olds.
- Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
- After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Texan Redneck Ghost Story
======================
A professor at the University of Texas is giving a lecture on the
supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many
people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their
hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in
ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost. About 40 students
raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has
anyone here ever talked to a ghost. 15 students raise their hands.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost. 3 students raise their hands.
"That's
fantastic.
But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever
made love to a ghost?"
Dwayne, way in the back raises his hand. The professor takes off
his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this
lecture, no one has claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got
to
come
up here and
tell us about your experience. "
The redneck student replies with a nod
and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. As he ambles
slowly
toward
the podium, the professor says,
"Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost.
" Shiiiiiit ... From way back thar I thought you said "Goats"!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with
SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."
"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the
farmer.
"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for
killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you mean
SPERMICIDE instead of pesticide."
"Listen here," argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on it, my
wife's got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to
the register he
realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he
asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up
to the register.
She asked, "What size condoms?"
The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to
drop his pants.
He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him
and called over
the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and
like most of us, was
up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he
told the checker
that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she
could have some
brought to the register for him. She asked him what size,
and he stated
that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants.
He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom
and said, "One box
of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what
he had seen was
way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact
with a live
female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to
the register he
told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him
what size and he
said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and
he did.
She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze,
then picked up the
intercom and said....
"Cleanup, register 5."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in first class of the
plane.The woman sneezes, takes a tissue ,wipes her nose then shudders
quite violently in her seat.The man is not sure why she is shuddering
and goes back to his reading.A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes
again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite
violently in her seat.The man is becoming more and more curious about
the shuddering.A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again.
She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently
again.The man has had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and
says," Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue
and wiped your nose and then shuddered violently! Are you sending me
signals, or are you going crazy?"The woman replies," I'm sorry if I
disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I
sneeze, I have an orgasm".The man ,now feeling a little embarrassed but
even more curious says, " I've never heard of that before .What are
you taking for it ?"The woman looked at him and says," Pepper".
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two tourist groups, one made up of all blondes and one of
all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a day trip in London.
The brunettes ride in the bottom of the bus and the blondes ride on the top level. The brunettes down below are whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate.
When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them.
The brunette says, "What's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
STUPID PEOPLE
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say,
"I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them,
would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would
be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind. I didn't see
your sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was
full of boxes and there was a U Haul truck in our
driveway. My neighbor comes over and says "Hey,
you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or
twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's
your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of
mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up
this big stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock
goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope talked
'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the
Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a
shark bite suit. And there's only one way to
test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit
on, it looks good...They want you to jump into
this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts
when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold
my sign. I don't wanna lose it."
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into
one of those side of the road gas stations. The
attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me,
and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't
resist, said, "Nope. I was driving around and those
other three just swelled right up on me. Here's
your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A
guy came over to the house and drove the car around
for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he
gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the
exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!"
See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have
stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of
adventure. Wouldn't you know I misjudged the
height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I
couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I
radioed in for help and eventually a local cop
shows up to take the report. He went through his
basic questioning...ok. No problem. I thought
for sure he was clear of needing a sign......
until he asked "So.. is your truck stuck?"
I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked
back at the rig and then back to him and
said ......."no I'm delivering a bridge...here's your
sign."
I stayed late at work one night and a co worker looked
at me and said "Are you still here?" I replied, "No.
I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."
Anybody you know need a sign today
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A redneck(named Kenny), a sheep, and a dog were
survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found
themselves stranded on a desert island. After being
there a while, they got into the habit of going to
the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with
beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and
gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat
there, the sheep started looking better and better to
the redneck(named Kenny). Soon, he leaned over to the
sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got
jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck(named
Kenny)took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy
the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there
was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a
beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the
redneck(named Kenny) had ever seen. She was in a
pretty bad way when they rescued her, so they slowly
nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they
introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was
another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a
warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of
romance. Pretty soon, the redneck(named Kenny) started
to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long
as he could, but he finally gave in, leaned over to
the young woman cautiously, and whispered in her
ear.....
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
_______________________________________________________
Bubba
Redneck Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad
and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So
his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.
Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the
sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll 'im
over."
So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked
down and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician
thought that was strange. Then he brought in Gomer to
identify the body.
Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt
real bad, roll 'im over." So the mortician rolled him
over and Gomer looked down and said, "No, 'tain't
Bubba."
The mortician whose curiosity got the best of him
asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What?" exclaimed the mortician. "He had two
assholes?"
"Yup, ever'one in town knew he had two assholes. Ever
time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes
Bubba with them two assholes."
_______________________________________________________
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on
a lonesome prarie, each with the bravado for which
cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest
cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got
loose in the corral and gored six men before I
wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare
hands."
The second cowboy can't stand to be bested. "Why
that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday
and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a
rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with
my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison
down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, silently stirring
the coals with his penis.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why Men Pee Standing Up
Seems God was just about done with creating the
universe but he had two extra things left over in his
bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.
He told them that one of the things he had left was a
thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing
up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I
was wondering if either one of you would like that."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give
that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems
just the sort of thing a man should be able to do.
Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he
went like an excited little boy.
So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really
wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave
Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing
up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a
tree and then went off to write his name in the sand,
laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said
to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing and I guess you
can have it."
"What's it called?" Eve asked.
"Brains" God said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away
from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister
Mary K. and said, "Oh, Jack, give me a pint o' the
brandy."
"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could
never do that! I have never sold alcohol to a nun in
my life!"
"Oh Jack", she responded, "it's only for the Mother
Superior." Her voice dropped, "It helps her
constipation, you know."
So Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack
closed the store and walked home. As he passed the
nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine?
And she was snockered. She was singing and dancing,
whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird,
right there on the sidewalk.
A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and
exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame!! And
you told me this was for the Mother Superior's
constipation!"
Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she
replied, "And so it is. When she sees me, she's gonna
shit."
_______________________________________________________
A local priest and rabbi were fishing on the side of
the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The
End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too
late!" and showed it to each passing car.
One driver that drove by didn't appreciate the sign
and shouted at them: "Leave us alone, you religious
nuts!"
All of a sudden they heard a big splash. They looked
at each other and the priest said to the rabbi, "You
think we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge
Out' instead?"
_______________________________________________________
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and
on being told that there was a fortune in
horse-racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in
the races. However, at the local auction, the going
price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying
a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he
might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To
his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline:
"PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS". The preacher was so pleased
with the donkey that he entered it in the race again,
and this time it won. The paper read: "PREACHER'S ASS
OUT IN FRONT".
The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity
that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey
in another race. The paper headline read: "BISHOP
SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS".
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the
preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher
decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The
paper headline the next day read: "NUN HAS BEST ASS IN
TOWN".
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she
would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to
a farmer for ten dollars. The next day the paper read:
"NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00".
The Bishop nearly had a stroke, and he ordered the
nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains
where it could run wild. The next day the headlines
read: "NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE".
The bishop was buried the next day.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Have you ever wondered where the phrase "You gotta be
shittin me" came from?
Well, it just so happens to have originated through
the Father of our Country.
Way back, George Washington was crossing the
Delaware River with his troops. There were 33 in
Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming
furiously and the water was tossing them about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and
stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern.
He ordered him to keep swinging it so they could see
where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through the
driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern
back and forth, back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and wave hit and threw
Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.
Washington and his troops searched nearly an hour
trying to find Corporal Peters but to no avail. All of
them felt terrible, for the corporal had been one of
their favorites.
Sometime later Washington and his troops landed on
the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied
the troops and told them they must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I
see lights ahead." They trudged towards the lights
and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was
that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the
forest to serve all who came. General Washington
pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open and much to his surprise stood a
beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face to
see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I'm
General George Washington and these are my men. We're
tired, wet, exhausted and desperately need warmth and
comfort.
Again the Madam looked at all the men standing there
and with a broad smile on her face said, 'Well,
General, You have come to the right place. We can
surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do
you have?"
Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are thirty
two of us without Peters."
And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin me!"
_______________________________________________________
Jack Schitt:
For some time many of us have wondered just who is
Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone
says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my
genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe
Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the
owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son,
Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The
deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie
Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and
the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married
Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being
married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe
Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her
kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her
previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt
Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,
and they produced a son with a rather nervous
disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva
Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and
subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual
ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper
announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The
Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the
world. He recently returned from Italy with his new
Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt,"
you can correct them by saying you know about the
whole family.
Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you have raised kids (or have been one), and gone
through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush
burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have
you laughing out LOUD!!!
Overview: I had ti take my son's hamster to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell
me there was "something wrong" with one of the two
hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just
lying there looking sick," he told me."I'm serious,
dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little
rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking
stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"
"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's
having babies."
"What?" my son demanded."But their names are Bert and
Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I
thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I
accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this
sarcastically!!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I
reminded her. (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice,
while gritting my teeth together.)
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys,
ya know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, ya
think??)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what
was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of
it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,"
I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of
birth."
"OH gross!!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! what are we going to do
with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife
wanted to know. (I really do think she was being
snotty here, too. Don't you??)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly,
vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly
tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with
the same results.
"Should I call 911??" my eldest daughter wanted to
know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
(you see a pattern here with the females in my
house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet'" I said grimly. We drove
to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I dont think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to
him. (women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean
what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of
her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying
glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested
scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmered. "Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?' I
gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is
not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to
happen...Ernie is a boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And, occasionally, as
they come into maturity, like most male species, they
um...er.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on
his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you
know what I'm saying, Mr.Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just
...just....Excited!?" my wife offered.
"Exactly" the vet replied, relieved that we
understood. More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife
started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh
loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit the
upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ...
that...I'm picturing you pullng on its...its...teeny
little....." she gasped for more air to bellow in
laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and
hurridly bundled the hamsters and our son back into
the car. He was glad everything was going to be ok.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done,
Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing
into laughter....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there
lived a blind little bunny and a blind little snake.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and
the snake was slithering through the forest, when the
bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of
course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I
didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth,
so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, I don't even
know what I am."
"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my
story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been
blind since birth. Tell you what, maybe I could kind
of slither over you, and figure out what you are, so
at
least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said,
"Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really
long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft
cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny.
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in
obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel
you with my paw, and help you the same way you've
helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked,
"Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked
tongue, no backbone and no balls.
I'd say you must be either a politician, an attorney,
or possibly someone in upper management."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
