Jokes 1

A blonde goes horseback riding for the first time in
her life, she's never had any prior lessons or
training.

As soon as her bottom hits the saddle, the horse
gallops away. Immediately the girl realizes she's not
in the saddle correctly and she does everything she
can to stay on the horse, she pulls on the horse's
mane, she grabs the saddle ... but she realizes it's
of no use.

Finally she decides the best thing to do is to jump
clear from the horse but as she does this, her foot
becomes entangled in the stirrup and she is dragged by
the horse. Her head is hitting the ground ... thump
... thump ... thump ... over and over again.

Just as she is about to lose consciousness .....
the store manager runs out and unplugs the horse!

The Blondes at the university were tired of not
fitting in. They were tired of other students
assuming they were just stupid bimbos. They wanted
somewhere where they felt they belonged. So they
pressured the administration to set up a new
Department especially for them.

The university agreed, and set up the Blonde Education
Department. The Blondes were ecstatic to have a
department of their own where they could gather
without being ridiculed. They felt they really
belonged now.

They wanted other students to see that they weren't
just stupid bimbos-- after all, they now had their own
department at the university. So they now all proudly
wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education
Department which sports the saying: "I Belong in
B.E.D."

80,000 blondes meet in Madison Square Garden for a
"Blondes-Are-Not-Stupid Convention. The leader says,
"We are all here today to prove to the world that
blondes are not stupid. The blondeaudience
applauds. "Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde
gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up
to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Suddenly
80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another
chance! Give her another chance!"

The MC says, "I guess we can give her another chance."
The mass of blondes cheers. So he asks, "What is 5
plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

80,000 blonde chicks begin to yell and wave their
hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER
ANOTHER CHANCE!"

"Ok! Ok! Just one more chance --The sea of blondes
erupts with cheers and shrills! What is 2 plus 2?"

The blonde closes her eyes, and after a whole minute
eventually says, "Four?".

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all
80,000 blonde babes jump to their feet, wave their
arms, stomp their feet and scream...

"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

BIRTH CONTROL
> A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street.
The father being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand. "That's a serious step,"he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"
"Sure," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the night."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, the man asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays a egg; I'm going to step on it."

Thanks for the joke Josh

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and, while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his... The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man... The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants." The man, after reading this note, sends a note of his own back to her, and it read: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage, and I have over twenty-million dollars in the bank.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as yourself, would I cut three inches off... JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK.

Tiger Woods drives his Volvo into a petrol station in Cork during his tour of Ireland.
The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical manner, unaware as to who the golf pro is.
"Top o the morning to you young feller!"
As Tiger leans over to get out of the car, two tees fall out of his top pocket onto the ground.
"What are they son?"asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger Woods.
"And what would they be for then?" inquires the Irish man.
"They're for resting my balls on while I'm driving" says Tiger Woods.
"Jaysus," says the Irish man, "them boys at Volvo think of everything".

It was July 4th and this guy was roasting a chicken on a
rotisserie and had begun to hand-crank it to ensure all areas were evenly done.
It was now getting golden brown and juices were causing
some flames to lick the chicken as he turned it.
Just then, a drunk stumbled into the guy's yard, looked at the scene and exclaimed, "Hey buddy, not only is your music box not making any music, but your monkey's on fire!"

The First Grade concert is fast approaching and Johnny has
still not decided what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is relieved when he tells her he has worked out his act.

Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall and watch as Mary, in her prettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to rapturous applause. Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems
to the delight of the audience.

Finally, out comes Johnny, in checked shirt and denim
overalls. He steps up to the microphone and says:

"Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every
holiday I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my uncle's farm. Here is the first: 'JOHNNY! GET OFF THAT
FUCKING TRACTOR!'"

WATCH WHAT YOU SAY

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six," in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home now, Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back..."Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died.

But until now, she'd never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking
how long it would take to have one issued.

"You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please."

The old gal raised her right hand.

"Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question.

The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, "Uhhh . . . all by myself?"

A sale representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in the Midwest. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift. "No, thanks," says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once and I didn't like it."

The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to
clinch a sale, offers to take the manger out for martinis. "No, thanks," the plant manager replies. "I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it."

Then the salesman glances out the officer window and sees a
golf course. "I suppose you play golf," says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club."

"No, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it." Just then a young man enters the office. "Let me introduce my son, Bill," says the plant manager.

"Let me guess," the salesman replies. "An only child?"

WORKIN' ON THE RAILROAD

Benny wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. At his interview, the inspector asked him this question: "What would you do if you saw 2 trains heading for each other on the SAME track?"
Benny replied, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"Good. But what if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd run down to the signal box", said Benny, "and use the manual lever there."
"What if lightning struck it?" asked the inspector.
"Then..." Benny continued, "I'd run back into signal box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well.....in that case," persevered Benny, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level of the crossing up there..."
"What would you do if THAT was vandalized?"
"Oh, well then I'd run into the village and get my Uncle Toby."
This bizarre response puzzled the Inspector, so he asked, "And just why would you do that?"

"Because Uncle Toby... He's never seen a train wreck!!"

FISHING TALE

A couple of boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Aw, right... Let's see yer fishin' license, boy!" the Warden gasped.

The boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my buddy who was back there, well, he don't have one."

GET YOUR OWN DIRT

God is tired of man thinking more highly of himself than he ought to, and he's especially upset now that man is messing with DNA and cloning. So he comes down to earth just as there's a Scientist's Convention going on.

After the last speaker speaks, God walks up to the podium and introduces himself - "Hello, I am God. Yes, I am real, and I am sick of you all trying to play Me. I am the Creator and you need to stay out of my business."

One of the scientists stands up and says, "Well, I tell you what, God. Let's go outside, and if I can make a man, you leave us alone. If I can't, we'll stop."
God agrees and they go outside. God spits in the dirt and starts molding a man out of the mud. The scientist also bends down and takes a handful of dirt.

"Wait!" God says, "Get your own dirt!"

MAYBE ANOTHER TIME

Father O'Malley walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man
he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Sure, Father, and who wouldn't?" was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father O'Malley walked up to Murphy and said, "Do you want to go
to heaven?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "C'mon lad... I don't believe this. You mean to tell
me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

Murphy said, "Oh, when I die, yes. Sure, I thought you were getting a
group together to go right now."

BLIND JOKE TELLER

A blind man goes into a bar and sits down. He orders a drink and
says, "Bartender I have a great blonde joke to tell you."

The bartender says, "Well, hold on a minute before you tell your joke,
because there is a man sitting next to you and he weighs about 350
pounds. He is a weight lifter and a blond. There is a women biker
next to you who is very tough, and she is a blonde. Over in the
corner a two more ladies and they are wrestlers and blondes. And the
guy behind you is a boxer and he is also blond.

The blind man says, "Oh I guess you are right. I would not want to
explain it five times."

MONEY

It can buy a house, but not a home.
It can buy a bed, but not sleep.
It can buy a clock, but not time.
It can buy a book, but not knowledge.
It can buy a position, but not respect.
It can buy medicine, but not health.
It can buy blood, but not life.
It can buy sex, but not love.

So you see, money isn't everything. It often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your friend. And as your FRIEND, I want to take away your pain ad suffering......

So send me ALL YOUR MONEY and I will suffer for you. Cash only, please!

POETRY

Two guys died at the same time and met St. Peter at the Golden Gates.
St. Peter told them he had room for only one of them in Heaven, so
they needed to think up a poem. The only stipulation was it had to
end in "Timbuktu".

REMEMBERING NORM

Have you ever wished you could remember Norm's greetings on Cheers?
Here are just a few:

"What's shaking Norm?"
"All four cheeks and a couple of chins."

"What's new, Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're demanding
beer."

"What would you like Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

PROUD UNCLE

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the
hospital, when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon
regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical
joker, sitting at his bedside.

He asked his brother how his wife was, and his brother replied, "Don't
worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the
hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed, and
since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."

The husband said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?"

The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."

Relieved, the husband said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you
come up with for my son?"

PILOT ERROR

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around,
and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

I DON'T WANNA GO!

Mother was having a hard time getting her son to go to school in the
morning. "Nobody in school likes me," he complained. "The teachers
don't like me, the kids don't like me, the superintendent wants to
transfer me, the bus drivers hate me, the school board wants me to
drop out, and the custodians have it in for me. I don't want to go to
school."
"But you have to go to school," said his mother sternly. "You're healthy, you have a lot to learn, you have something to offer others, you are a leader. And besides, you are 45 years old and you are the principal."

Recently April came into my office and we had the following
discussion:

"I want you to stop doing something."

"What? Breathing?"

"That might be something to consider. No, I want you to quit using me on Joke A Day for laughs."

"Heh. What do you mean?"

"Stories. You're always telling stories about me. I don't like them!"

"Oh. You mean like the other day when we walked into the
store and picked up a hand-basket, but yet you kept carrying the items instead of putting them into the basket?"

"Yeah, right. That's not funny. I look like an idiot when you tell people these things. It's not funny."

"Sure it is! It's like that time we were at Hoover Dam and you were looking at the float out in Lake Mead. There was a ladder on the side and you wondered OUT LOUD how did those birds get up ON the float -- how did they climb that ladder?"

"This is not humorous. You're an asshole."

"Or, just the other day when I mentioned Millard Fillmore. You
asked me who that was and SWORE I was an idiot when I
said, 'Uhhh, he was a President of the United States.'"

"Who the hell has ever heard of Millard Fillmore?! You lie to me all the time about dumbass stuff!"

"What about the time you were pouring water from a pitcher
and said, 'Wow, wouldn't this be pretty stuff if they could
harden it somehow?'"

"Yeah yeah, asshole. 'Ice.' Hardy har har. Let ME address the Joke A Day audience! I'll tell 'em all about the HORROR living with you!"

"Uhhh, YOU'RE the one living with me. You're a 'horror' now?"

"QUIT twisting my words! You know what I mean! I mean what a HORROR it is living WITH you!!!"

"Why? Just because I relate TRUE stories about you? Like
that whole 'Hatfields & McCoys' thing. You'd never heard of 'em and thought ONCE AGAIN that I was making 'em up. I then bet you that the VERY NEXT PERSON we came across would know
who they were. How much, exactly, do you OWE me in lost
bets on these things?"

"You know too much USELESS shit. You're not near as smart
as you *think* you are."

"You keep saying that, but *I'm* not the one who thought
Captain Crunch was a REAL PERSON."

"I NEVER SAID THAT!!!"

"Uh huh."

"Humph." Silence. "Uhhh, *was* Captain Crunch a real
person?"