The Funny, Funny Pages


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Rules To Be A Man
(50 ways to keep your woman pleased)

1. Call.
2. Don't lie.
3.Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls. 5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: NO PETTING.
6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad. 11. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag", "Lardass", and "Bitch" are bad.
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony. 13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question. 14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
15. Her cooking is excellent.
16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
17. Dish soap is your friend.
18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
22. Two words: clean socks.
23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.
24. Burping is not sexy.
25. You're wrong.
26. You're sorry.
27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
28. Ditto for your discourse on football.
29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you. 39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
42. Think boxers.
43. Silk boxers.
44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
46. Her haircut is never bad.
47. Don't let your friends pick on her. (please note that the following two have been mentioned not once, but twice) 48. Call.
49. Don't lie.
50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything out

Rules To Be A Man
(100 ways to keep your Testosterone flowing)

1. Don't call, ever.
2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
3. Lie.
4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike".
5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.
6. Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfiend's pregant, will you go out with me?
7. Drink Vernors.
8. Play with yourself. Talk about it.
9. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.
10. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
11. Lie
12. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
13. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help- don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
14. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them. 15. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check you hair, clothing, etc.
16. If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason why,just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "I don't know. I just don't like her personality."
17. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
18. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.
19. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
20. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.
21. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1. 22. Say things like "Wha...?"
23. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
24. Lie.
25. Deny everthing. Everything.
26. Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me."
27. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.
28. Don't have a clue.
29. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it. 30. No means yes.
31. Yes means no.
32. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.
33. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise.
34. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.
35. Feelings? What feelings?
36. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."
37. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.
38. Gays are an unacceptable part of our society. Take it upon yourself to personally irradicate all of them from the planet.
39. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."
40. Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.(sound familiar anyone??!!!)
41. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right.
42. Lie.
43. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it.
44. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
45. Diss your girlfirend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle.
46. Lie.
47. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.
48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
49. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.
50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
51. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
52. Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex, semen, etc.
53. Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.
54. Lie.
55. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
56. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
57. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.
58. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
59. You are male, therefore you are superior.
60. Agenda for a boring evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
61. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.
62. Don't ever notice anything.
63. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.
64. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
65. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality. 66. Lie.
67. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.
68. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?
69. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."
70. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away. 71. Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU. 72. If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven wrong, blame others. Come up with creative and believable excuses why they are at fault- not you.
73. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
74. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills. 75. Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about sex. Compare with others.
76. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud.
77. Lie.
78. General Rule: Different is BAD.
79. If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
80. Each penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the long run.
81. If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?"
82. Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.
83. Lie.
84. If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.
85. When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such a pimp back then."
86. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave,and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (true story.)
87. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship. 88. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.
89. Practice your blank stare.
90. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your ass. Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of your ass.
91. If you ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like rage and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again.
92. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.
93. Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful than it already is. When people ask if you've been working out, say things like, "No, Baby, I was BORN like this!"
94. Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies.
95. Beer. Then more beer.
96. Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people. 97. One word: FOOTBALL!
98. Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???
99. Diss your girl friends for an occasional night or 5 out with "The Gang".
100. Admit nothing, deny everything, demand proof.

More rules for him

Never tape any of our body parts together

Ordering for us is good; telling us what we want is bad

Being attentive is good; stalking is bad

Talking is good; shouting is bad; hitting is a felony

Our cooking and menus are excellent

That isn't however an excuse for you to avoid cooking

Soap is your friend

After-shave and/or cologne does not equal soap

Buying us something does not constitute foreplay

Answering "Who was that ?" with "Nobody" does not end the conversation

Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this ?"

Two words: clean socks

Believe it or not, you're not more sexy when you're all sweaty

Burping is not sexy

You're wrong

You're sorry

We are less impressed with your car then you can imagine

Ditto for your knowledge of football /baseball /basketball/ hockey

Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound

"Will you marry me ?" is good; "Let's shack up" is bad

Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood

Don't assume PMS doesn't exist

"No" means "No !"; "Yes" means "Yes"

Silence can mean anything, and it could change without notice

Chivalry and feminism are not mutually exclusive

Pick us up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it

Ditto for meeting our family/friends/co-workers

Don't try to change the way we dress

Our haircuts/hair styles are never bad

These rules are not intended to be fair; accept this without question

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