Check out AOL's new offer: 1000 hours free for 45 days. You've got to love how these guys think.
It is technically possible to use 1000 hours in 45 days. It would leave you 80 hours of non-computer time in your month and a half. We can start off by assuming you're not employed or a student, because if you were, you wouldn't be using AOL in the first place. You now have 1 hour and 45 minutes each day that are non-AOL. Let's keep you sane -- you can sleep an hour a day. Leaves 45 minutes. Eating, even if mostly done in front of the computer, is going to take some time going back and forth to the kitchen and wiping crumbs off the keyboard. 15 minutes more, down to half an hour. Basic bodily functions, (even if you skip showering for six weeks . . . ewww) will take another 15 minutes a day if you really conserve trips. That leaves you 15 minutes to yourself per day, time you can use to sit back, close your eyes, and reflect on what an absolute freaking loser you are.
Mornin', my little Viricide:
It's now about 2 am on the day *after* the AOL.EXE virus escapade. Lord, sometimes you have to wonder: is there a factory somewhere that's churning out stupid people? If Joke A Day is a microcosm of society, then, my friends, you better start stocking canned goods because the end is most definitely nigh. Our high tech society is going to get so each company has two employees: a man and a dog. The man's there to feed the dog. The dog's there to bite the man if he touches the computers.
Mornin', my little Personal Ad:
Sometimes in going through the personal ads to put on the site, I just want to gag. "He" writes: "I'm just looking for someone who is open for a meaningful relationship, one based on shared responsibilities and emotions. Someone who's been yearning for their soulmate." HAK HAK RETCH. C'mon. Why not just come out and say: "Looking for a hottie to bump uglies with, preferably on the car hood outside the restaurant so I don't have to buy you a meal."
Mornin', my little Solstice:
It *is* the first day of summer, isn't it? I can remember in school they always taught us it was Dec 21 and Jun 21 for the solstices and Mar 21 / Sep 21 for the equinoxes. But it seems like now they kind of jump all over the calendar. Has Easter somehow infected the other holidays so that you need a sundial, a sextant, a live goat, a warlock, and a 1937 edition of the Farmer's Almanac to tell the date?
Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking about current cattle prices. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the cowboys looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head, no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.
The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there "Hind Lick maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it.
Thanks a bunch booboo_6464.
Mornin', my little Party Animal,
Love means never having to say, "Does that twenty include the spanking?" To truly love another, you must first love yourself. And it wouldn't kill you to wash your hands in between either. They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere. We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future to wreck revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in the past. If Life hands you lemons today, smile and give thanks. Then when Life isn't looking, give him a quick knee to the groin. That'll learn him. Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do things that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really tried them.
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation "'I now pronounce you man and wife'".
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth, and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball, he measures everything first!"
IT HAPPENED SO FAST
Two turtles had an accident - they ran into each other on a street corner. When the police came out to investigate, they saw a snail standing across the street. They asked the snail if he saw what had happened, but the snail replied, "No. It all happened so fast!"
A man went to get his driver's license renewed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture." The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man. "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over, anyway."
MEAL YOUR SHIELD
In the days of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, each knight had his family crest painted on his shield. As we know, the knights roamed the countryside having battles, skirmishes, and brushes with other knights. Since they used their shields to protect themselves, the shields would get scratched and the crest would be damaged. An enterprising young knight discovered that a paste made of corn meal and water rubbed on the shield would loosen the enamels and fill in the scratches. This process became known as "mealing your shield." Mealing your shield usually took about an hour to refinish a shield. One spring day, twenty of the knights had repulsed a boat load of Vikings who had come south for the spring games of rape, plunder, and pillage. After the battle, the knights were sitting on the hillside, mealing their shields. After ten minutes, one of the knights stood up and approached another knight, "Say, Sir Kay, what say we go the local pub for a pint or two of ale?" Sir Kay replied, "But Sir Lancelot, I've barely begun mealing me shield. How could you be done so fast? You were in the thick of the battle and your shield was a bloody mess!" Sir Lancelot answered, "Before we left Camelot, I went to see Merlin. He gave me some ground dragon tooth powder. You mix a little water with it. Spread it on the shield and wipe it off. It works like a charm, see." Sir Kay asked, "Great, where can I get some?" Sir Lancelot willingly replied, "Go to any apothecary shop and ask for TOOTH, THE CREST PASTE FOR THOSE WHO CAN'T MEAL AFTER EVERY BRUSH!"
A LITTLE SECRET
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, called his wife by many endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice. After all these years, you still call your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell the truth, I forgot her name years ago."
A man, carrying his dog, rushed into the vet's office. "Please, doc, my dog is really sick! You've got to do something for him!" So the vet looked the dog over carefully, and listened to his heart and lungs. Then he sadly told the man, "I'm sorry, sir, but your dog is dead. There is nothing else that I can do for him." The man said loudly, "NO!! I don't believe you! I want a second opinion!" The vet sighed, and repeated to him that the dog was dead. But the man insisted, so finally the vet said, "OK, I'll get a second opinion." So he left the room and returned a few minutes later with a Labrador retriever. The Lab jumped up on the examining table, sniffed the other dog, and began to howl mournfully. He then jumped down and left the room. The vet then said, "You see, sir? You now have a second opinion, which concurs with mine that the dog is dead!" But the man said loudly, "NO, NO, NO!! I want a THIRD opinion!!!" The vet started to argue with him, but the man vehemently insisted on a third opinion. Sighing loudly, the vet again left the room, and returned a few minutes later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the examining table, sniffed the dead dog, and began to meow mournfully. He then jumped back down, and left the room. The vet said to the man, "Well, sir, all three opinions concur that your pet has unfortunately passed away. I'm very sorry for your loss." The man finally agreed with the vet that his dog was dead. "So, how much do I owe you?" he asked. "That'll be $600.00," replied the vet. "WHAT??!!?? $600.00?? You didn't even do anything for my dog, and now you have the nerve to charge me such an outlandish amount?!?!" "Well," replied the vet, "Normally, I'd only charge you $50.00, but your dog DID receive a lab test and a cat scan."
A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule. "Alright," the lawyer says looking through his papers. "You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months. "What! That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client. "Your right. It's mine."
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and newlyweds, decided they would like to join this church. All three couples met with the priest. The priest explained to them that this was a very prestigious church and there were certain qualifications to even be allowed to attend. The priest told the three couples not to have sex for one whole month and to come back at the end of the month to discuss things. One month passed, and all three couples returned. The priest started with the elderly couple: "Well, how did it go?" the priest asked. The older gentleman replied, "Well, just about the same way it has gone for about the last thirty years. It was easy." "Congratulations! You can attend this church!" the priest said. Turning to the middle-aged couple, he asked the same question: "How did it go?" The man replied, "Well, everything was going great until about the 28th day. Things got a little rough, but we pulled through and made it the whole month." "I am so proud of you both!" said the priest. "You, too, may attend this church." Turning to the newlyweds, he asked: "Tell me, you two, did you make it?" They looked at each other and hung down their heads. The husband answered for them, "Well, it was about on the eighth day when she leaned over to pick up a can of corn that had fallen to the ground. I just couldn't help it, I had to take her right then and there." The priest looked at them both and said, "I am sorry you two, but you cannot attend this church." The husband looked at him and said, "It's okay father. We aren't allowed back into the grocery store anymore, either."
LATE FOR MASS
A little boy was late for church, so when he got there, he ran up the steps, and a gentleman was coming out of church. The boy said, "Mister, Mister! Is mass out?" The man said, "No but your shoe's untied."
A Close Shave
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech."And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
Alan repots for his final exam. The exam consists of nothing but True / False type answers. He takes his seat, gets the test, stares at the questions for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin, and starts tossing the coin. For "Heads" he marks "True" and for "Tails" he marks "False". Within half an hour, Alan is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, a little alarmed, walks over to him and asks him if he's ok. Alan spits out, "Yeah, I'm ok. I finished my exam in half an hour -- but I'm not going to have time to check all of these answers!!!"
A man was on his way home from work and got stuck in a terrible Los Angeles traffic jam. After idling 20 minutes in the same spot, he saw a policeman walking down the hallway between cars. He rolled down his windowand asked, "Excuse me, officer, what's the hold up?"
"O.J.'s depressed about the verdict," the cop explained. "He doesn't have the monet, so he's lying in the middle of the highway, threatening to douse himself with gasoline and light himself on fire. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
"How much do you have so far?", the man asked.
The officer replied,"Oh, about 10 gallons."
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
Two women were at a bar. One said, "You know, eighty percent of all
men think the best way to end a fight is to make love."
"Well," said the other, "that will certainly revolutionize the game of
A burglar breaks into an isolated country house after watching the whole family depart for a night out on the town. As he creeps across the darkened living room he hears a voice saying: "I can see you..... and Jesus can see you".
The burglar shines his penlight torch around the room, but sees nothing. He takes another step, and he hears it again: "I can see you..... and Jesus can see you".
This time he realizes the voice comes from above, and when he shines his torch around he sees a parrot sitting on top of a cupboard. It looks him in the eye and says: "I can see you..... and Jesus can see you".
The burglar laughs and says "You're just a parrot".
The parrot looks him in the eye and says "I'm a parrot and my name is Ebenezer".
The burglar laughs again, and says "Ebenezer is a pretty silly name for a parrot".
The parrot looks him in the eye, waits until he has stopped laughing, and says: "I agree completely...... ....and Jesus is a pretty silly name for a rotweiler".
The man was in a hurry to board the airplane and didn't have time to do the paperwork to get his little doggie on board. So the man stashed the puppy down the front of his pants and sneaked him on the plane. About 30 minutes into the flight, a stewardess noticed that the man was squirming in his seat.
"Are you OK, mister?" the stewardess asked.
"Yes, I'm fine," said the man.
Time went by and again the stewardess noticed strange movements.
"Are you sure you're all right, sir?"
"Yes," the man insisted, but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to do the paperwork to bring my puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants."
"I see," the stewardess said. "Well, as long as he's housebroken, I guess it will be OK."
"Oh, he's housebroken," the man replied. "The problem is, he's not weaned yet!"