This is how lotteries really work:
A man moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
Come morning, the farmer drove up and said,
"Sorry, but I got some bad news.
The donkey died."
"Well then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK then, just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with em."
"I'm gonna raffle him off."
"Ya can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the guy and asked,
"What happened with the dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece
and made a profit of $898."
"Didn't no one complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back."
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A young woman had entered her dog in the dog
show in the smooth-haired breed category.
To give it an advantage, she went to the chemist
for some hair remover.
The chemist gave her the product requested and
advised, "Just remember to keep your arms up
for at least five minutes."
"Errr... it's not for my armpits," she flustered,
embarrassed, "it's for my Chihuahua."
"Oh well, in that case," said the chemist,
"don't ride a bike for twenty-four hours."
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LEGLESS PARROT ( Thanks Dakkkkkkkkk) :o)
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a
parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud; "Jeesh. I wonder what happened
to this Parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way.
I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy shit," the guy replies.
"You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot.
"I happen to be a highly intelligent,thoroughly
educated bird." "Oh yeah?", the guy asks,
"Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your
perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing
but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this
wooden bar like a little hook.
You can't see it because of my feathers.."
"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand
and speak English, can't you!?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I
can converse with reasonable competence on almost
any topic: politics, religion, sports,physics, philosophy.
I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.
" The guy looks at the $200 price tag.
"Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "! I'm defective, so the
truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting,
he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes,
and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot
goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about
your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered today, your wife
greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed
him passionately." "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously.
"THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted
up her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.
"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees
and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts
and slowly going down...."
"WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
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Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day: The first worm, in alcohol---dead.
Second worm, in cigarette smoke---dead.
Third worm, in sperm---dead.
Fourth worm, in soil---alive.
Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms.
A father from Europe is visiting his son in America
for the very first time.
They are at the local supermarket going up
and down the aisles.
Dad: "Vas diss, powdered orange juice?"
Son: "Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water,
and you have fresh orange juice!"
A few minutes later, in a different aisle
the father says: "Und vas dis, powdered milk?"
Son: "Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water,
and you have fresh milk!"
A few minutes later, in a different aisle the
father says: "Und give look here. Baby Powder! Vat a country!
Dey take da fun outta making everyting!"
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A man was shopping in the men's department at
Bloomingdale's when he noticed an absolutely beautiful
woman behind the sales counter.
He went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam."
She smiled pleasantly and asked,
"And what would you like?"
"What would I like? I'd like to wrap my arms around
you and squeeze you tight.
Then run my hand up and down your bottom and
squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner
thighs, up underneath your dress.
When I get to your sweet womanhood, I'd like to rub
that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse
with my teeth. And then I'd like to suck on your
beautiful tits and bite your nipples lightly...
But what I came to buy is a new tie."
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My cousin owned one of the biggest and
fastest-growing businesses in Miami, a furniture store.
I convinced him that he needed to take a trip to
Italy to check out the merchandise himself.
And because he was still single, he could check
out all the hot Italian women and maybe get lucky.
As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an
acquaintance with a beautiful young lady.
She only spoke Italian and he only spoke
English--neither understood a word the other spoke.
So he took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a
picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and
they went for a ride in the park.
Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with
a question mark and she nodded.
So they went to dinner.
After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted.
They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced
and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late
when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture
of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded. To this
day says that he's never been able to understand how
she knew he was in the furniture business.
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A guy from Brooklyn was in Hong Kong passing
through the native quarter, and was surprised to
see a synagogue. He went in and sure enough,
he saw a Chinese rabbi and a Chinese congregation.
The service was touching. As the service ended,
the rabbi stood at the door greeting his congregants.
When our Brooklyn friend came up, the rabbi said,
"You Jew?" "Yes, I'm Jewish," replied the Brooklynite.
"Funny," said the rabbi. "You don't look it."
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A man who had been called to testify at the
Internal Revenue Service asked his accountant for
advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you
are a pauper," the accountant replied. Then he asked
his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice.
"Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your most
elegant suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his priest,
told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some
resolution on the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the priest.
"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what
to wear on her wedding night.
'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right
up to your neck. But when she asked her best friend,
she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee,
with a V-neck right down to your navel.'"
Confused, the man asked, "What does all this have to do
with my problem with the IRS?"
"Simple," replied the Priest. "It doesn't matter what you wear,
you're going to get screwed."
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A married couple is celebrating 50 years of marriage.
He had taken her to dinner and dancing to celebrate.
They were reflecting over the past 50 years.
She said, "You have given me everything that
any woman could desire, 2 beautiful children that
grew up and became a doctor and a lawyer.
A beautiful home and a new car every three years.
The kids have given us grandchildren, and we love
them too death. If there is anything I haven't given you,
all you need do is ask."
"Well, the husband says, there is one thing."
"What is that," says the wife?
"A blow job," says the husband.
The wife thinks for a moment and says, "I have never given
you a blow job, because I didn't think you would respect me
after that. But, since we have been together 50 years,
surely you would respect me now, so ok."
So she unzips his pants, pulls out his penis and
proceeds to give him a blow job.
Just as she finishes and wipes her chin, the phone rings.
The husbands answers and says, "Yes, right here.
Hold on a moment. Here, cocksucker, it's for you."
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It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old
man married a 20-year-old girl.
After a year of marriage she went into the hospital
to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate
the fellow saying, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year the young bride gave birth again.
The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"
He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year.
The nurse said, "Well, well, well! You certainly are quite a man!"
He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil. This one's black."
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An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady
and they are deeply in love. However, no matter what
the husband does sexually, the woman never
achieves orgasm.
His wife demands sexual pleasure, so they decide to ask
the rabbi for advice. The rabbi listens to their story and
makes the following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young
man and while the two of you are making love, have him
wave a towel over you as though he is fanning you both.
Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood
as he fans you both with the towel. That will help the
wife fantasize and should bring on a full blown orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice.
They hire a handsome young man and he strips off and
enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they
make love. But it doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied
and frustrated. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed.
Have the young man make love to your wife and you
wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow
the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife
and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really
works with great enthusiasm, and the wife soon has
an enormous, room-shaking, screaming, creaming orgasm.
Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man
on the shoulder and says to him, triumphantly:
"THAT'S how you wave a towel!"
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A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her
mother bake biscuits in the kitchen. "Mom?" she asks.
"How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"
The mother promptly threw a wad of biscuit dough on the floor,
hikes up her dress, and squats down picking the
dough up with her vagina. "Practice this and when you can do it,
I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life,"
said her mother. So the girl practiced and practiced until
her wedding night. While her anxious husband waited for
her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee,
carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can,
threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee,
and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous
fart as she did so. Her husband, startled, jumped from
the bed and backed away.
"What's wrong, honey?" she asked.
He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away.
"If that thing barks like that for a biscuit,
I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"
A little boy was staying at his grandmothers house.
In the morning, his grandmother was about to take a
shower and the boy asked if he could take a shower with her.
She said yes and when they got in the shower,
the little boy pointed to his granny's privates and asked
her what 'it' was. "Oh, that is just my 'Beaver'," she replied.
Satisfied with the answer, he just replied, "Oh."
Later that week, back at his house the little boys mother
was about to take a shower. He asked if he could get into
the shower with her. His mother said yes, and this time
he points to his mothers privates and asks,
"What is that, mommy?" His mother, a little embarrassed replies,
"Why that's my beaver, honey. Why do you ask?"
"Well," says the young boy,
"Grandma has a beaver, too, but I think it's
dead because it's tongue hangs out."
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A Mother and Father take their young son to the circus.
When the elephants appear, the son is intrigued by them,
and he turns to his mother and says, "Mom, what's that
hanging between the elephant's legs?"
The mother is very embarrassed, and says
"Oh, it's nothing son." So the son turns to his father
and asks the same question.
The father replies, "It's the elephant's penis, son."
So the son says, "Why did mom say it was nothing?"
The father draws himself up, and says proudly,
"Because I've spoiled that woman, son."
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