A secretary, a paralegal, and a partner in a big law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it, and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseur, an endless supply of pina coladas, and the love of my life." Poof! She's gone. "You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, "I want those two back in the office right after lunch."
I'M JUST A BILL
Bill Graham, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates were traveling back from an
important conference when their plane crashed, and all three of them
got killed. As they arrived in heaven, God called them before him.
He was sitting on a big throne with two little thrones at either side.
"Bill", he asks Graham, "what have you done with your life?"
"I have brought The Good Message to everyone", Billy Graham proudly
"Very good," God says. "Please take the seat at my right. And what
about you Bill?" he asks Clinton.
"Well sir, I tried to be honest with the American people," the
"Hmmm," God says. "Well, okay, you sit at my left side".
Then he looks at Bill Gates. "Well, Gates, what do you think of it?"
Bill doesn't hesitate a second: "I think you are sitting in my
Three elderly ladies who each had a touch of Alzheimer's lived together. One morning, at breakfast, one said she was cold, so she went upstairs to get her sweater. Once in her room, she thought, "Was I taking my sweater off, or was I putting it on?" When she didn't return, one said, "She must have forgotten what she went up for. I will go get her." At the top of the stairs, she stopped and thought, "Was I going up, or was I coming down?" When they failed to return, the third one, knocking on wood, said, "Thank God I'm not as bad as those two. Now, was that the back door or the front door?"
A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of
a flagpole. They got their ladders and tape measures and went out to
the flagpole. However, the measurement job turned out to be much more
difficult than any of them had expected, with some of them falling off
the ladders, some dropping their tape measures, and so on, and the
whole thing had just turned into a big disaster.
After a while, an engineer happened to walk by and saw what the
managers were attempting to do. She walked over, pulled the flagpole
out of the ground, and laid it flat on the ground. She measured it
from end to end, gave the measurement to one of the managers, and then
walked away without saying another word.
After the engineer was out of sight, one manager turned to another and
laughed as he shook his head. "Now that's just like an engineer!
We're looking for the height and she gives us the length!"
WE HAVE AN AGREEMENT
St. Peter was checking the gate between Heaven and Hell and found a broken hinge. He walked over to the pit and called to the devil. The devil swaggered up out of the pit and said, "Yo man, whaddya want?" "The gate...The hinge is broken and it's your turn to fix it." The devil retorted, "Gee, I'm a bit busy and don't have anyone to spare for the job right now." St. Peter got angry. "Look, we have an agreement, and it's your turn to fix the gate." The devil responded, "Sorry Pete, it's our peak season and there just isn't anyone available for this." St. Peter turned red and exclaimed, "OK, if that's the way you want it, we'll sue." A big grin broke out on the devil's face. "Oh yea, and just where are YOU gonna find a lawyer?"
Johnson had heard a family rumor that his father, grandfather and even his great-grandfather all "walked on water" on their 21st birthday. So, on his 21st birthday, he and his good friend Brian headed out to the lake. "If they could do it, so can I!" Johnson told Brian. Johnson and Brian arrived at the lake and rented a boat. They paddled out to the middle. Johnson stepped off of the side boat . . . and 'bout near drowned. Furious, he had Brian drive him back to the Johnson Family Farm and asked his grandmother why he hadn't been blessed with the same "gift" as the others in the family. Grandmother 'Johns took Johnson by the hands, looked into his face, and said, "That's because your father, grand- father, and great-grandfather were born in January. You were born in July."
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under ... you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!" "Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit." "I'll sleep on it," said Shakey. Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars." "Is that so! How?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
It was Sunday afternoon, and a man was cleaning his yard, when happened to notice that the blonde woman who lived across the street from him was repeatedly running out her front door to her mailbox. She would open the mailbox and look inside, only to close it and go back in her house. The man watched her do this several more times as he thought to himself, "What is she doing? The mail doesn't run on Sunday." Just then, out her front door the woman came, headed to the mailbox. The man proceeded to cross the street and ask the woman, "Honey what are you doing? It is Sunday, and don't you know that the mail doesn't run on Sunday?" The blonde woman replied, "You know, I thought so too, but my computer keeps telling me I have mail."
IT'S ALL IN THE TELLING
A fellow named Bill went with his friend Jack to Jack's favorite pub. When they got there, everyone greeted Jack as an old friend. Soon Bill and Jack sat down to a pint of beer each. Soon, someone stood up and yelled out a number, "2." Everyone in the pub started laughing. This happened a couple more times, with different people yelling out various numbers. Curious, Bill asked Jack what was going on. Jack replied, "Oh, everyone knows all the jokes, so we have assigned each joke a number, and when someone feels like telling a joke, they just say the number." This made a lot of sense to Bill, who, after a few more pints, stood up and yelled a number, "7". There was sudden silence, and everyone looked at poor Bill with disdain. Feeling dejected, Bill sat down. "What happened?" he asked Jack. Jack put his arm around Bill. "It's not the joke" he said. "It's the way you say it."
At The Dentist
The Thomas' were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Thomas made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with." "I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?" Mr. Thomas turned to his wife Sue. "Show him your tooth, Honey."
THE TIME OF CREATION
It was the time of the creation of the Earth. God had just made Adam, and noticed Adam was very lonely. He told Adam that to make him happy, he would make him a companion, and with that, he created Eve. Adam was awestruck and couldn't stop staring at Eve, he was so happy. Adam then looked at God and said, "But God, why is she so beautiful?" And God looked at Adam and said, "Why, that's so you would like her Adam." And Adam looked back at Eve, and then back at God, and said, "But God, why is she not so bright?" And God replied, "Well, that's so she would like YOU, Adam."
YOU ASKED FOR IT!
A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her daughter. The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still, nothing. Then, after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it, in shaky handwriting, were the words: "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages, fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
One day, a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the fine bird was finally his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry," said the Auctioneer, "he can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
TO THE ATTENTION OF THE IRS
Enclosed is my 2001 tax return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above-mentioned fund a 1.5 inch screw."
(See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5-inch Phillips-head screw.) It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
A satisfied taxpayer
BABY ON THE WAY
When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. Her 4-year-old son overheard some of her parents' private conversations. One day, when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her own head. The boyfriend yells, "No honey, don't do it!" The blonde replies, "Shut up! You're next!"
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The 7-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time. So the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service. Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:00 or the 11:00?"
An aspiring young actor asked a young lady's father if he could have his daughter's hand in marriage. The father said, "I would never let my daughter marry an actor." The actor said, "Sir, I think you may change your mind if you see me perform. Won't you at least come and see the play?" So the father went to see the play, and the next day he called the actor, "You were right. I did change my mind. Go ahead and marry my daughter. You're no actor."
A man appeared at a woman's front door and announced: "Madam, I'm the
"I didn't send for a tuner," the piano-playing lady said.
"I know, lady," the man replied. Your neighbor did."
When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the
day after her operation, she asked him somewhat
hesitantly just how long it would be before she could
resume her sex life.
"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the
stunned surgeon. "You're the first one ever to ask
that after a tonsillectomy."
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse
open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman
approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could
cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, Officer?"
"Because your breast is exposed."
"Oh, my God", says the blond. "I left the baby on the
A police officer arrives at an accident scene where
apparently three blondes have leaped to their death
from a very tall building. He suddenly notices that
one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks,
"Why did you three beautiful girls leap out of that
The blond answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to
try out our new maxi-pads, with wings...
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first
blond said, "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says,
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant
for some rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the
woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she
has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular
basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"YES!", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the
pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is
just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and
reads out loud from the container,
"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
Blind Man's Blonde Joke
A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to
the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"!!!
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...
1 - The bartender is a blonde woman.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde woman.
3 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
4 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler, and
5 - I'm a 6 foot, 200 lb. blonde woman with a PhD., a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude! Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says;
"Naaaah . . . not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."