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Two cows were chatting over the fence between their
fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease
is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast;
I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."
The other cow replied, "I ain't worried, it don't
affect us ducks."
A Ghetto Resume (please take no offense)
AM
Shaynana Chiquita "Peaches" Jones
2036 South Side Skreet
Compton, CA 11122
PHONE: Cut off right now but will be back on by the
15th
OBJECTIVE:
To one day forefill my dream of bein'a Soul Train
danca and you know just gittin' my life togetha and
stuff. I also hope to one day be the best
cosmotologecalist (you know what I mean) Beauty
Speciacalist there is in my hood.
SKILLS:
I do hurh and nails in my kitchen and I be using my
glitter and weave bonding glue for arts and crafts and
stuff.I be doing braids in any texture or color:
synthetic or real human hurh. Black, blonde, brown,
dark brown, dark black, gold blonde, dark gold
blonde,red, maroon,blue and rainbo colors.
EDUCATION:
THE "GET YOURS" HOME CORREPONDENCE COURSE, INC.
BIG MAMA'S HOUSE OF HAIR N' NAILS N' FRIED CHICKEN N'
GREENS
(gradmuated with honors for the most extenzions done
ina year's time).
WORK EXPERIENCE:
Big Daddy's Motel Motor Lodge Bar & Grill Pool Hall &
Bait N'Tackle Shop
(January 10, 1998 - January 30, 1998)
Reason for leaving: Big Daddy kept hitting on me.
My Baby's Daddy Day Care Center Car Wash & Shoe Repair
(Nov. 2,1998 - Nov. 10, 1998)
Reason for Leaving: They tryed to work a sistuh to
death up in dat mug!
The Golden Tooth Dental & Jewelry Emporium
(Mar. 1, 1998 - Nov. 1, 1998)
Reason for Leaving: I loveded this job cause they
gaveded me a free tooth every month and now I can
spell my littlest baby's daddy name but they done up
and fired me cause I let one of my homeboys sniff that
laughing gas. He just smelt it; he don't do drugs no
mo.
Kim Fung Toi's Restuarat & Pet Shop
Reason for Leaving: You don't even wanna know.
Jimmy's Jheri Curls & Motor Lube
(Nov. 6, 1998 - Nov. 7, 1998)
Reason for Leaving: (Hospitalized for spine injury
when I had slipped on an overflow of activator).
The Ike Turner Hoe Slap Recovery Center
(Jan 5, 1999- Jan 12,1999)
Reason for Leaving: Center closed down cause Tina
Turner done refused Ike's request to give us a benefit
concert and donate the money to Ike. Ike say Tina
done got beside hurself since she a big star. He say
he remember when she was Anna Mae Bullock from Nut
Bush,Tennessee.
References:
Darquavious Teshun Johnson (my 1st babies daddy)
Shyquan "Big Boy" Pickens (my 2nd babies daddy)
Tommy "Slick Tooth" Griffin the third (my 4th babies
daddy)
Lawanda Jenkins (from up the skreet)
Hezakiah Clevestus "the playa" Jones (my mama's
sister's brother-in-law,uncle half-brother)
The Right Reverend Aliza Benjamin "Ineedadrank" O'Grady
(Pastor of The Greater Mt. Carmel Church of God in
Christ Kingdom Hall of Our Lady of Saints Holy Rosary
Later Day Seventh Advent Saints Episcapaleen Saidified
Non-Denominational Baptist Church, Inc.(a not-for-profit agency).
>Note:
All time periods unaccounted for above when I wasn't
working is "none of your business but I was not on no
welfare cause I done always worked at something
nother."
Bubba and Billy Bob were the two star performers on their college football team. Their professor informed the team coach that their grades were below average, making them ineligible to play in Saturday's "Big Game". The professor agreed to raise their grades if they passed a test. The coach pleaded, "Make the test easy professor". The test was one, fill-in-the-blank question: "Old MacDonald had a ______." While taking the test Billy Bob asked Bubba, "Hey Bubba, what's the answer?" Bubba made sure the professor wasn't looking and said, "FARM." Billy Bob then asked,"Hey, how do you spell farm?" Bubba said, "You big dummy, e i e i o."
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom
loved to play together. One day, the two were playing
when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the
chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at
the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but
to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only
tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new
Z-3
series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped
off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to
save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy,
to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he
managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken
tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear
bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove
slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car,
rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals
was cemented: best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit,
and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the
horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment,
walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his
"thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The
chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up
and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to
pick up chicks.
An Australian was walking down a country road in New
Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and
see a farmer goin' at it with a sheep. The Aussie is
quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and
walks over to the farmer.
He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate,
back home, we shear those!"
The New Zealander looks frantically around and says,
"I'm not bloody sharing this with no one!"
POKER GAME
Two couple were playing cards one night. Marcus accidentally dropped some of his cards on the floor. As he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife Sue's legs were wide open and she wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Marcus, upon trying to sit up again, hit his head on the table and emerged blush-faced.
Later that night, Marcus went into the kitchen for some refreshments. Sue walked in and asked him, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?"
Surprised by her boldness, Marcus admitted he did.
"Well," she said, "you can have it, but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral cost of the offer, Marcus indicates that he is indeed interested. Sue tells him, Since my husband works on Friday and you don't why don't you come over at 2:00PM?"
Friday rolls around and Marcus shows up at Bill and Sue's house at 2:00PM sharp...and after paying Sue the $500 that they agree upon, they go into the bedroom and close their sexual transaction as Sue had promised.
Marcus quickly gets dressed thanks her and leaves. As was his normal habit, at 6:00PM Bill arrived at home from work. Upon entering the house and encountering his wife, he asked abruptly, "Did Marcus come the house this afternoon?"
With a big lump in her throat, Sue answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart really dropped when Bill curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
In total terror that somehow she had been found out, she pauses for a moment and then mustering up her best poker face she answers, "Well yes...in fact he did give me $500 honey."
Bill, with this satisfied look on his face, surprises his wife by saying, "That's my boy! He stopped by my office this morning andborrowed $500 from me. He promised me that he'd stop by our house on the way home and pay me back!"
War Wound?
A guy went into a public washroom and had to use the only available urinal, which was between two elderly men. He glanced to his left and saw the guy pissing, but there were two streams. "What the hell is that?" he asked.
"War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes."
Then the guy looked to his right and saw three streams. "What the hell is that?"
"War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes."
The two veterans then looked over at the guy in the middle and saw 12 streams! "War wound?" they both asked.
"Naah, my zipper's stuck."
Thanks booboo_6464, I really enjoyed this one.
Drunk Farts
There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."
The drunk replies, "I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."
Thanks for the joke booboo_6464.
I saw that the world renowned guitar player, Chet Atkins
died and was buried on Tuesday. My father was the 1959
Alabama state fiddle champion and in working with different
artists, including Hank Williams, Sr., met Chet. My dad
told me this story about Chet Atkins.
Seems Chet was the scheduled entertainment on a cruise
ship one time. He was on "the boardwalk" / "promenade
deck" practicing for that evening's show. A passenger was
strolling by, then stopped to hear Chet "pick" on his guitar.
When Chet was done practicing he turned to the passenger
and asked him, "How was I?"
The passenger replied, "Ehh, you're pretty good, but you're
no Chet Atkins."
I dated this flake one time. Upon picking her up for dinner,
she said, "I hope you don't mind, but I'm feeling a little
schizophrenic tonight."
"Good!" I said. "That makes four of us."
FORGOTTEN GLASSES
While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The old woman unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.
The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant.
When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the old man said, "While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too."
SNACK TIME
A boy came home after school, and his mom just got back from the grocery store.
"I just got some chocolate eggs from the grocery store."
"Great, Mom! Can I have one?"
"No, they're for some time when you have no snacks."
"I have no snacks now."
"There now, aren't you glad I saved them instead of you eating them right away?"
MISTRESS
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant, when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
SHOE SHOPPING
A blonde woman went into a shoe store to buy a pair of shoes. She
tried on a pair of alligator shoes, which she liked. The salesman
told her the price, and she exclaimed, "That it is too much money!
I'll get my own alligator shoes."
The salesman was is on his way home, and he saw the woman in the
river. On the riverbank were two dead alligators, and more alligators
in the water. The blonde shot an alligator and struggled to get upon
the bank. When she got it to the bank she said, "Damn this one
doesn't have shoes on either."
ELEMENTARY, MY DEAR WATSON
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replies, "I see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!"
APPLE LESSON
A 4-year-old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?"
"Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color."
There was a long silence. Then the boy asked, "Daddy, are you talking to me?"
EXPECTING A BABY
There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby. The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay situation. As you can imagine, there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!"
In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up, and in his frail voice said, "Point of information - snow and rain are also 'acts of God', but we wear rubbers!"
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba,said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."
Here is a cute, but sad little anecdote for you to think about.
One day a dog was snooping around the tracks looking for food. He turned around and sat down, with the tip of his tail resting on the track. Without being aware of what was going on, a train came by and cut off the tip of the dog's tail. The next day the dog came back to look for his tail. When he found it, it was too late. Another train had come by and cut off its head.
The moral of the story is:
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD OVER A PIECE OF TAIL.
Three women were talking about their love lives.
The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."
The second said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."
The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."
An electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer were riding in a car, when suddenly it stalled. The three passengers considered what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggesting stripping down the electronics of the car. The chemical engineer suggested flushing the fuel system. The Microsoft engineer shook his head. "Why don't we close all the windows," he suggested, "get out, get back in and open the windows again-then maybe it will work."
George Washington chopped down a cherry tree. Tiger Woods hit a golf ball. Sadamn Hosane dropped a bomb. One day, a man was walking home and he saw a little boy who was crying. The man asked "What's wrong, little boy?" The boy answered, "A tree with these little berries fell down on my kitten." The man walked on. A little farther on he saw a little girl who was crying. He again asked, "What's wrong, little girl?" She answered, "A golf ball hit me in my head." She showed him the big red bump on her head. He walked on. A little later in the day he walked up to a boy who was just laughing his little head off. "What's so funny?" he asked. The boy laughed more. He said, "I farted, and the house behind me blew up!"
Feeling that death was near, an old man called his attorney. "I want to become a lawyer," the old fellow said. "How much is that quickie degree you told me about?"
"Around $50,000," the lawyer replied. "But why do you want to become a lawyer now?" "That's my business. Get it for me!"
Four days later the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside. Suddenly, the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly?"
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "Now there's one less lawyer...."
Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs, then crashed heavily to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped and fell heavily to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds were sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
Hank finally had the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman. "Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.
"Not on her best day," he replied.
"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"
"No, she's broke."
"Well, then, is it sex?"
"Nobody does it like you babe."
"Then what can she do that I can't?"
"Sue me for child support."
A few housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands.
One lady said "My husband just won't go to church with me, I think he's going to go to hell."
This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in hell. So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves.
One woman said "I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to Heaven."
Another one said "No, I did this bad thing, I won't make it." So, then they noticed that one of the ladies wasn't saying anything.
And they looked at her and said "You're such a nice lady, surely you're going to Heaven...?"
She says "No, first thing in the morning, I'm going to buy me a ticket straight to hell!" They were shocked and asked why.
"Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without men, do you??!?"
This blonde wakes up in the middle of the night to find her house on fire. Panicked, she dials 9-1-1 and screams "My house is on fire, you've got to come put it out", and the fireman says, "Okay, ma'am, could you tell us how to get there?", and she says "Duuuh, in the big red truck!"
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
A heart specialist doctor had died and it was the
occasion of his funeral.
The coffin was in front of a huge heart. When the
priest finished with the sermon and after everyone
said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin
rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started
laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you
laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a Gynecologist."
Thanks DaisyDuck_2000.
A patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for
possible release. When asked what he would do if
released, he replied, "I am going to make a slingshot
and come back here and break every damn window in this
place." Obviously, his release was denied.
Six months later, the board was again considering his
release and again asked him the same question. His
reply was the same. "I am going to make a slingshot
and come back here and break every damn window in this
place" Again, he was turned down.
Several months later he was complaining to a fellow
patient that he could never seem to get released. The
patient asked him what he said when they interviewed
him, and he told him. The patient said, "You will
never get released with answers like that. You have to
tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some
advice on how to answer them when they ask you
questions."
So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he
was ready. So when the board met again, they again
asked him what he would do if they let him out. But
this time he was ready. He said, "I am going to get a
job, find an apartment and settle down."
"Good," they said, and then what?"
He said, "I want to meet a nice girl and start
dating."
They agreed he was making real progress and asked,
"And then what"?
"One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am
going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am
going to take her dress off, and then take her bra off
and lie her down on the bed."
"Yes?", the board said excitedly.
"Then I am going to gently remove her panties," he
continued.
The board members were really getting excited now and
asked, "Then what are you going to do?"
He said, "I am going to take the elastic out of those
panties, make myself a slingshot, come back here and
break every damn window in this place!"
Thanks DaisyDuck_2000.
An older gentleman had an appointment to see a
urologist who shared an office with several other
doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name. In a VERY LOUD VOICE the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE, YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All of the patients in the waiting room snapped
their heads around to look at the very embarrassed
man.
He recovered quickly thought, and in an equally
loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A
SEX CHANGE OPERATION, AND I'D LIKE THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS!"
Thanks DaisyDuck _2000.
John and David were both patients in a mental
hospital. One day while they were walking past the
hospital swimming pool, John suddenly dove into the
deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.
David promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the
bottom of the pool and pulled John out.The medical
director came to know of David's heroic act. He
immediately ordered that David be discharged from the
mental hospital, as he considered him to be okay.
The doctor says, "We have good news and bad news for
you, David! The good news is that we are going to
discharge you because you have regained your senses.
Since you were able to jump in and save another
patient you must be mentally stable. The bad news is
that the patient whom you saved, John, hung himself
in the bathroom and died."
David excitedly replied, "Doctor, he didn't hang
himself! I hung him there to dry.
Thanks DaisyDuck_2000.
A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor
to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor
recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly
agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately
available, considering that money was no object.
"I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first
is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic,
swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the
swimming pool and died. It's $100,000. The second is
from a marathon runner, 24 years old, great condition,
very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000. The
third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, and a
steak lover. It's $500,000."
"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a
terrible life!"
"Yeah, but it's from a lawyer and never been used."
Thanks DaisyDuck _2000.
ANNIVERSARY GIFT
Two men were talking. The first man said, "I'm going to take my wife to Australia for our twentieth anniversary."
The second man asked, "What are you going to do for your twenty-fifth anniversary, then?"
The first man said, "I'm going back to pick her up."
The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
SOUP'S ON!
A cannibal invited a friend over for supper one evening. While
enjoying the soup, the friend said, "Your wife sure makes a mean
soup!"
The host replied, "Yes, and I'm really going to miss her."
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