If Women Ruled The World
PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.
Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.
Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're beautiful", "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."
Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
All toilet seats would be nailed down.
Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator
During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year olds.
Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive
blonde lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a
single roll of the dice.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude."
With that she strips naked from her neck down, and rolls the dice while
yelling, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollers..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
Then she begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers.
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.
The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks,"What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb!
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After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy." He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father.
So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."
Thanks Gail
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It was getting a little crowded in Heaven,
so God decided to change the admittance policy.
The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven,
you had to have a real bummer of a day when you
died. The policy would go into effect at noon the
next day.
The next day at 12:01am, the first person came
to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate,
remembering the new policy, promptly said to the
man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me
how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my
25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and
caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be
having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in
sight.
I immediately began searching for him. My wife
was yelling at me as I searched the entire
apartment.
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to
glance out onto the balcony and noticed that
there was a man hanging off the edge by his
fingertips!
The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the
balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell
to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he
landed in some trees and bushes that broke his
fall and he didn't die. This ticked me
off even more. In a rage, I went back inside
to get the first thing Could get my hands on to
throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I
thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it,
pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over
the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed
him! The excitement of the moment was so great
that I had a heart attack and died almost
instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment.
Technically, the guy did have a
bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the
Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the
Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. The
Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear
about what your day was like when you died."
"No problem," said the second man. "But you're
not going to believe this. I was on the balcony
of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily
exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so
I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress.
I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and
accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was
able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony
below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man
comes running out of his apartment, starts
cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of
course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the
bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right
away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground,
unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see
this guy push his REFRIGERATOR, of all
things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and
lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the
man finishes his story. "I could get used to this
new policy," he thinks to himself.
"Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome
to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man
enter.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to
the gate. The angel says, "Please tell me how
you died."
The third man says, "OK, picture this. I'm
naked, hiding inside a refrigerator......."
Thanks to my aunt for this one....
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LIQUID VIAGRA
Pfizer Corp is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims: It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink.
This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount And Do.
Thanks Laurie
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Bumper stickers for women
SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME
COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH .
DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.
I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN.
WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
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Doctor Bob had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: "Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go .."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Bob, you're a vet ...."
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Terrorist Philosophy
Everyone seems to be wondering why the Arab terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Let's see now:
No premarital sex
No booze
No bars
No television
No Internet
No organized sports, stadiums, tailgate parties
Actually, no tailgates
No Hooters
No meat from a pig
Sand everywhere and not a dune buggy in sight
Ever try to fish at an oasis?
Rags for clothes and hats
Constant wailing from the guy next door because he is sick and no doctors.
No music
No radio
You can't shave
You can't shower
Bar-B-Q donkey cooked over burning camel shit
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else
Oh, and then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
Who wouldn't go for it? ?????
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MENisms
(If you're a man, get over it. If you're a woman, go to the bathroom
before reading
this so you don't wet your pants when you're laughing.)
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
5. WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS?
(because they don't have penises to put them in)
6. WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON?
(they're intended for children, but men usually play with them)
7. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock)
You're laughing, aren't you?!?!
8. WHY DO MEN MASTURBATE?
(it is sex with someone they love)
9. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
10. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
11. WHY IS A MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE?
(so he can tell if he's coming or going)
12. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(???, it's never happened)
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Definitions by sex
1. ZIPLOC BAG - male, because it holds everything in, and you can always see right through it..
2. SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
3. KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
4. COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up, it's an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed.
5. TIRE - male, because it goes bald and is often over inflated.
6. HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it.
7. SPONGES - female, because they are soft, squeezable, and retain water.
8. WEB PAGE - female, because it's always getting hit on.
9. SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
10. HOURGLASS - female, because over time the weight shifts to the bottom.
11. HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years but it's handy to have around.
12. REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought it'd be male! But consider, it gives men pleasure, they'd be lost without it, and while they don't always know the right buttons to push, they keep trying.
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is
Patricia Whack. So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says "$30,000."
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
"I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."
Thanks Sharon
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Spaghetti
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One
night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was
pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of
money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he
would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but
wondered how he would know when the baby is born. To keep it discrete, he told
her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then
arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his
confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed,
and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card
was written - - "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one
without."
Thanks again to my aunt
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