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Kitchens
1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen
is delirious.
2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the
dishes.
3. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and
gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
4. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and
cheap.
5. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
6. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
7. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for
they shall never cease to be amused.
8. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
9. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
10. Housework done properly can kill you.
11. Countless number of people have eaten in this
kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
12. My next house will have no kitchen ?just vending
machines.
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WHAT A DIFFERENCE 30 YEARS MAKES
1970: Long hair
2000: Longing for hair
1970: The perfect high
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund
1970: KEG
2000: EKG
1970: Acid rock
2000: Acid reflux
1970: Moving to Calif. because it's cool
2000: Moving to Calif. because it's warm
1970: Growing pot
2000: Growing pot belly
1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your
parents
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your
kids
1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz
Taylor
1970: Seeds and stems
2000: Roughage
1970: Popping pills, smoking joints
2000: Popping joints
1970: Our President's struggle with Fidel
2000: Our President's struggle with fidelity
1970: Paar
2000: AARP
1970: Killer weed
2000: Weedkiller
1970: Hoping for a BMW
2000: Hoping for a BM
1970: The Grateful Dead
2000: Dr. Kevorkian
1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint
2000: Receiving a new hip joint
1970: Rolling Stones
2000: Kidney Stones
1970: Being called into the principal's office
2000: Calling the principal's office
1970: Screw the system
2000: Upgrade the system
1970: Peace sign
2000: Mercedes logo
1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1970: Taking acid
2000: Taking antacid
1970: Passing the drivers test
2000: Passing the vision test
1970: Whatever
2000: Depends
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Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of
reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12
simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare
themselves for the real-life experience of being a
mother or father.
1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing
gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it
there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of
the beans.
Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drug
store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter,
and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to
the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid
directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the
paper and read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find
a couple who are already parents and berate them about
their methods of discipline, lack of patience,
appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have
allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in
which they might improve their child's sleeping
habits,
toilet training, table manners and overall behavior.
Enjoy it -- it'll be the last time in your life that
you will have all of the answers.
3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around the
living room from 5 PM to 10 PM carrying a wet bag
weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10 PM put the bag
down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get
up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with
the bag, until 1 AM. Put the alarm on for 3 AM. As
you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2 AM and make a
drink. Go to bed at 2:45 AM. Get up again at 3 AM when
the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4 AM.
Put the alarm on for 5 AM. Get up. Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out,
smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the
curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and
leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the
flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the
stains with crayons. How does that look?
5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems:
first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put
the octopus into the string bag so that none of the
arms hang out. Time allowed for this -- all morning.
6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a
can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a
toilet tube. Using only Scotch tape and a piece of
foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk
container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of
Cocoa Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel
Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a
place on the playgroup committee.
7. Forget the Miata and buy a minivan. And don't think
you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and
shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a
chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove
compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick
it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet
of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats.
Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There!
Perfect!
8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for
half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go
out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front
path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very
slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect
minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing
gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as
you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare
at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now
just about ready to try taking a small child for a
walk.
9. Always repeat everything you say at least five
times.
10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the
nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child -- a
fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have
more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your
week's groceries without letting the goats out of your
sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy.
Until you can easily accomplish this do not even
contemplate having children.
11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side.
Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to
side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt
to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be
an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops
are gone. Tip the rest into your lap,making sure that
a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to
feed a 12-month old baby.
12. Learn the names of every character from Barney and
Friends,Sesame Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtles. When you find yourself singing "I love you,
you love me," at work, now! you finally qualify as a
parent.
You Know You're a Mother When...
You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.
You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
Your kid throws up and you catch it.
Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep
eating.
You've mastered the art of placing large quantities of
pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything
touching.
Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty"
out loud in the lobby of Grand Central Station and you
do it.
You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons;
your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.
You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only
one your child eats.
You can't bear the thought of your son's first
girlfriend.
You hate the thought of his wife even more.
You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches
into cute shapes.
You can't bear to give away baby clothes - it's so
final.
You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth
when you say, "NOT in your good clothes!"
You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make
sure they're equal.
You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.
You donate to charities in the hope that your child
won't get that disease.
You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with
your husband in ages, then spend half the night
checking on the kids.
You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this
job", but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.
Memories of Bill:
After much arguing and deliberation, historians this
week have come up with a phrase to describe the
Clinton Era. It will be called: SEX BETWEEN THE
BUSHES.
The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta announced
that Clinton has proven that you can get sex from
Aides.
Gennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with
Clinton was anything like Monica Lewinski's. She
replied, "Close, but no cigar."
The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains
found on Monica's dress "Presidue."
Clinton now recruits interns from only four colleges:
Moorhead, Oral Roberts, Ball State and Bringham Young.
Did you know that Clinton had asked to change the
Democratic seal from a donkey to a condom. It
represents inflation, halts production, and gives you
a false sense of security while you are being screwed.
Washington has come up with a solution for the
Clinton situation - they added an 11th commandment:
"Thou shall not put thy rod in thy staff."
Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton. All these
women coming forward, and not one is his sister!
Finally, Hillary Clinton recently went to a fortune
teller who intoned, "Prepare to become widow. Your
husband will soon suffer a violent death!" Hillary
took a deep breath and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
The greatest Country-Western song titles of all time!
* Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The
Bed
* Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing
You Goodbye
* Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
* I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
* I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
* I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
* I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
* I Wanna Whip Your Cow
* I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't
Spell Yuck
* I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A
Frontal Lobotomy
* I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting
In Your Welfare Line
* If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On
You
* If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find
Someone Else Who Will
* Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
* My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your
Dear John Was BreakingMy Heart
* My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do
Miss Him
* Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
* She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
* She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
* Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
* They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My
Face From Breakin' Out
* When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think
You're Walking In
* You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
* You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker
Flat
* You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
Thank You DaisyDuck
What are the TOP TEN questions Employers would like to
ask applicants in a job interview:
10. Have you ever been arrested for stalking an employer?
9. Will you lie to my wife when she calls?
8. Do penis jokes offend you?
7. Do you oppose a dress code that requires a shear
Wonder Bra and a leather mini-skirt?
6. Are your parents from Alabama, or are you just
naturally this stupid?
5. Benefits? Benefits? I got your benefits right here!
4. Have you ever Xeroxed your ass at an office Christmas party?
3. Are those real?
2. Did your parents have any children that lived?
1. The position I have in mind for you is "doggie."
Thankx Daisy
Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."
Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option.
Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call
thereafter. Okay?"
Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room.
We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."
Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have
it out by the release date."
Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in
there."
Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can
purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a
Stacker."
Bill: "Stacker?"
Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much
furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course,
you put the entertainment center on the couch... the
chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot,
so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack
what you need and then put it back when you're done."
Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is
the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from
our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong
way."
Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug
and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."
Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are
round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the
electrical system."
Bill: "You're kidding!?"
Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."
Bill: " Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes,
when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet
and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low
that the showers don't work."
Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One
fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the
resources preventing access from other fixtures."
Bill: "And how do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to
exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn
it back on, reenter the house and then you can get
back to work."
Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are
you selling me?"
Contractor: "Hey, nobody's making you buy it."
Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"
Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be
ready to release sometime near the end of next year.
It was due out this year, but we've had some
delays..."
How It All Began
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by
the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young
wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely
woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she
had been called Amazon Dot Com.
She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou
travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou
can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham
did look at her as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns
and drums in between to send messages saying what you
have for sale and they will reply telling you which
hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the
drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have
her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an
immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had
at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia
did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was
accused of insider trading. And the young man did take
to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take
to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical
Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo,
the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches
and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed
that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one
Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum
company in the land. And indeed did insist on making
drums that would work only with Brother Gates'
drumheads and drumsticks.
Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is
being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out
over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known
"eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we
are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner
Operators." "YAHOO", said Abraham. And that is how it
all began, It wasn't Al Gore after all.
JUST IN CASE
Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency, so one day, out on the lake, he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear.
Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it."
So she drove the boat to shore.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes."
FORREST IN HEAVEN
Forrest Gump died and went to Heaven. Upon arriving, St. Peter said, "You must answer three questions to enter. First question: What are two days of the week that begin with 'T'?" Forrest thought, and then said, "Today and Tomorrow." St. Peter said, "Well, I guess I will have to accept that. Second question: How many seconds in a year?" Forrest thought and thought, then said, "Twelve." St. Peter asked, "How did you get that?" Forrest said, "January second, February second..." St. Peter said, "Okay, I guess I have to accept that. Third question: What is God's name?" Forrest thought for a long time. Finally, he said, "Hallowed." St. Peter said, "I have to know how you got that." Forrest said, "Our Father who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name." Forrest got into Heaven.
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some
items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty
mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about
2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed
that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles
and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The
pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the
rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor
picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course,
the sand filled up everything else.
"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is
your life. The rocks are the important things - your family,
your partner, your health, your children - things that if
everything else was lost and only they remained, your life
would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter
like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything
else, the small stuff.
"If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the
pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend
all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have
room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to
the things that are critical to your happiness. Take care of the
rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand."
But then a student then took the jar which the other students
and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a
glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces
within the jar making the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is: no matter how full your life is, there
is always room for beer.
Men & Women
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy as a woman, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy as a man, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well, son let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, we'll call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed, thinking of what his dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his babby brother crying, so he gets up to ceck on him. He finds that the baby had severly soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room, and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I'm understanding the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son. Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, " Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep shit."
Lucky Pig
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
--If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
--The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to squirt blood 30 feet.
--Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
--Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
--On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
--The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.
--It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
--You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
--Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
--Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
--Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a
champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?
--Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
thanleft-handed people do.
--In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
--A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
--A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
--The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
--Polar bears are left handed.
--The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.
--The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field.
--A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.
--The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.
--Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
--Butterflies taste with their feet.
--Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.(thankfully)
--A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
--An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.--Starfishes haven't got brains.
--After reading all these, all I can say is....Lucky Pig!!!
SLEEPING IN CHURCH
A man walks up to the minister at the local church.
"Reverend," he said, "We have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What should I do?"
"I've noticed this, and I have an idea if you're up to the task," said the minister.
"Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off.
Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work.
"And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp object.
"Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!" came the minister's quick reply. Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. And again, the minister noticed.
"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning toward Mr. Jones.
"My God!" howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin.
"Right again!" bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face.
Before long, Mrs. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice.
As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few hand gestures that Mr. Jones
mistook as signals to bayonet his wife with the hatpin yet again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
As Mr. Jones enthusiastically poked his wife's thigh with the hatpin piercing her skin she screamed, "You stick that freaking thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your butt!"
"Amen!" replied all the women in the congregation.
THE CANDYWRAPPER
It was another PAYDAY and I was tired of MR. GOODBAR. I saw Miss HERSHEY standing behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVENUE, when I whipped out my WHOPPER and whispered, hey SWEETART, how'd you like to CRUNCH on my BIG HUNK for a MILLION DOLLAR BAR?"
Well, she immediately went down on my TOOTSIE ROLL, and it was like pure ALMOND JOY! I couldn't help
but grab her delicious MOUNDS because it was easy to see that this little TWIX had the RED HOTS.
It was all I could do to hold the SMICKERS and CRACKLE as my BUTTERFINGER went up her tight little KIT KAT and she started to scream "OH HENRY, OH HENRY!" Soon she was fondling my PETER PAN and ZAGNUT and I knew it
wouldn't be long before I blew my MILK DUDS clear to MARS that gave her a taste of the old MILKY WAY. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "Hey CHICKLET, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little REESE'S PIECES, don't be a ZERO, be a LIFESAVER. Why don't you take my WHATCHAMACALLIT and slip it up your BIT O' HONEY?"
(What a piece of JUICY FRUIT she was, too!) She screamed,
"Oh, CRACKERJACK, better than the THREE MUSKETEERS!" as I rammed my DING DONG up her ROCKY ROAD and into her PEANUT BUTTER CUP. Well, I was giving it to her GOOD N' PLENTY, when all the sudden...my STARBURST! Yeah, as luck would
have it, she started to grow CHUNKY and complained of a WRIGLEY in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped...........BABY RUTH!
*******The Top Ten Men!!********
1. The Doctor because he says,"Take off your
clothes"
2. The Dentist because he says,"Open Wide"
3. The hairdresser because he says,"Do you want it teased or blown?"
4. The Milkman because he says,"Do you want it in front or
in back?"
5. The Interior Decorator because he says,"Once you have it all in, you'll love it."
6. The Banker because he says,"If you take it out to soon,
you'll lose interest."
7. The Police Officer because he says,"Spread 'em."
8. The Mailman because he always delivers his package.
9. The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10. The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.
Headlines: Year 2055
1. Florida is finally readmitted to the union.
2. Spotted Owl plague now threatens Western crops &
livestock.
3. George Z. Bush says he will run for President.
4. 50 year study: diet and exercise is the key to
weight loss.
5. Nursing home event--Clinton denies Candy Striper
allegations.
6. Texas executes last remaining citizen.
7. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of
mutants.
8. Baby conceived naturally..... Scientists stumped.
10. Ozone created by electric cars now killing
thousands in Los Angeles.
11. Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven
inches.
12. Unionized Chinese workers now making 4,000,000,000
yen an hour. American owned businesses now returning
to cheap labor in USA.
13. White minority demands civil rights and
reparations.
14. New California law requires that all machetes,
steak knives and baseball bats be registered before
January 2056.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
Bet you didn't know the Beatles had a Jewish Album...
Can`t Buy me Guilt
Roll Over Maimonides
We Can Kvetch it Out
I Am the Bibi
Eleanor Rigby-Cohen
Lucy In The Shul With Derma
Obla Oy, Obla Vey, Life Goes On
We All Live in a Yellow Matzaball
You Say It's Your Bar-Mitzva, It's My Bar Mitzvah Too
Can't Buy Me Kishka
This Goy
Sgt. Pilpul's Lonely Klezmer Band
All You Need Is Lev
The Shul on the Hill
Your Mother Should Only Know
If I Kvell
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
It has been known for many years that sex is good
exercise, but until recently nobody had made a
scientific study of the caloric expenditure of
different sexual activities. Now after original and
proprietary research they are proud to present the
results.
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent....................... 12 Calories
Without her consent.................... 187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand.......................... 12 Calories
With your teeth........................ 85 Calories
PUTTING ON A PRESERVATIVE:
With an erection....................... 6 Calories
Without an erection.................... 315 Calories
PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot.............. 92 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary............................. 12 Calories
69 lying down.......................... 78 Calories
69 standing up......................... 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow............................ 216 Calories
Doggy Style............................ 326 Calories
Italian chandelier..................... 912 Calories
ORGASMING:
Real................................... 112 Calories
False.................................. 315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816
Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years old........................ 36 Calories
30-39 years............................ 80 Calories
40-49 years............................ 124 Calories
50-59 years............................ 972 Calories
60-69 years............................ 2916 Calories
70 and over......................... Results are
still pending
DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly................................. 32 Calories
In a hurry............................. 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
LETTERS OF RECOMMENDATIONS FOR EMPLOYEES
For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed his career was just taking off."
For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he
had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to
work for you."
"He consistently achieves the low standards he sets
for
himself."
For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is
better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for
the job."
For an employee who is not worth further consideration
as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this
candidate an offer of employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about
this candidate or recommend him too highly."
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
THE RULES
1. The Female always makes THE RULES.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE
RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of
a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the
Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize
immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without the
express written consent of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at
any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the
Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the
Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the
Female at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Female
meant, not what she said.
15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is
because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is
a wimp.
16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and
void and the Male must cater to her every whim.
17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in
bodily harm.
18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he
must refer to Rule #5.
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