Confucius on men:
Man who buy drowned cat must pay for stinking wet pussy.
Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor.
Man who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet, many moons!
Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
Man who farts in church, sits in own pew.
Man who fight with wife in morning, get no piece at night.
Man who fights with wife all day gets no piece at night.
Man who finger woman during her period, gets caught red handed.
Man who fly plane upside down have crackup.
Man who get hit by car,get that run down feeling.
Man who gets kicked in testicles is left holding bag.
Man who go out with flat chested woman have right to feel low.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake with smelly finger.
Man who goes to bed with sex problem, wakes up with solution in hand.
Man who has hand down mans pants, not feeling himself today.
Man who invented the eraser had human race pretty well sized up.
Man who kisses girl's behind gets crack in face.
Man who lay girl on hill not on level.
Man who lays woman on ground, get piece on earth.
Man who live in glass house should dress in basement.
Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.
Man who lose key to girlfriend's house get no new key.
Man who masturbate into cash register, soon cum into money.
Man who neglects his duty as a citizen not entitled to his rights.
Man who put cream in tart not always baker.
Man who put face in punchbowl get punch in nose.
Man who put foot in mouth get athlete's tongue.
Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache.
Man who put woman on ground have peace on earth.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who says it cannot be done, should not interrupt woman doing it.
Man who screws woman on hill not on level.
Man who sinks into woman's arms soon has arms in woman's sink.
Man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.
Man who snatches kisses when young, kisses snatches when old.
Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into own hands.
Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloon.
Man who stands on toilet seat is high on pot.
Man who suck nipples make clean breast of things.
Man who take lady on camping trip have one intent.
Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
Man who walks thru closing airport gates is going to Bangkok.
Man with athletic fingers make broad jump.
Man with closed mouth gathers no foot!
Man with erection who walks into a wall, breaks his nose.
Man with hand in pocket is always on the ball.
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man with steel balls not play with magnets.
Man who live in glass house no throw stones.
Man with forked tongued no kiss balloon.
Confucius say baseball wrong, man with 4 balls cannot walk.
His Christmas Poem
It was Christmas Eve Night, and throughout the whole house, No creature was sober, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung from the mantel with care, And I was hung too, hung like a bear.
My wife and I done with shopping, us both out of cash, Had just settled down for a good piece of ass.
My daughter and her boyfriend were getting it on, And my son was watching porn while slapping his schlong.
Grandpa was trying his best to make himself stiff, So he could fulfill Grandma's Christmas wish.
When out in the yard, there was such a strange sound, I jumped out of bed and my boner went down.
Straight to the window I really hauled ass, Opened the curtains and pressed my face to the glass.
And what to my drunken eyes did appear, But a crappy old sleigh and a bunch of reindeer.
And a large bearded guy scratching his balls, I knew right away it was Santa Claus.
Slower than shit the reindeer they came, He cussed and he screamed as he called them bad names.
"Hey Dickhead, hey Shithead, up over that tree, and next time, wait till we land to pee!"..............
List of Common Euphemisms Found in the Classifieds
"Women Seeking Men":
Adventurer Has had more partners than you ever will Affectionate Possessive
Average looking Ugly
Beautiful Pathological liar
Contagious Smile Bring your penicillin
Educated College dropout
Emotionally Secure Medicated
Exotic beauty Would frighten a Martian
Feminist Fat; ball buster
Free spirit Substance user
Friendship first Trying to live down reputation as slut
Good Listener Borderline Autistic
Loves animals Cat lady
New-Age All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned Lights out, missionary position only
Poet Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional Real Witch
Redhead Spends a fortune on Clairol "cover gray" Reubenesque Grossly Fat
Romantic Looks better by candle light
Slender Anorectic / Bulimic
Spiritual Involved with a cult
Voluptuous Very Fat
Weight proportional to height Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate One step away from stalking
Widow Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart Toothless crone
"Men seeking women":
40-ish 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back Educated Will always treat you like an idiot
Employed Been mopping floors at Burger King for almost two weeks
Financially Secure I will spend, so in return for which I to obey my every whim of your moral life
Free Spirit Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking Arrogant
Honest Pathological Liar
Huggable Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle Insecure, overly dependent
Open-minded Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit Spends a lot of time in front of mirror admiring self
Professional Owns a white button-down
Poet Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual Once visited church with grand mother on easter sunday
Stable Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful Says "Please" when demanding a beer
Young at heart Pedophile
POSITION: Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging
work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess
excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away
cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing
to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must
always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume full responsibility and complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT &PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could
only do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.