A woman is lying in the road after being run over. The
driver of the car that knocked her down comes to her
aid. "Are you all right?" he asks.

"You're just a blur," she says, "So my sight is
clearly
affected."

Concerned, the driver leans over the woman in order to
test her eyesight. "How many fingers have I got up?"
he asks her.

"Oh shit!" she replies, "I must be paralyzed from the
waist down as well."
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality
controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls
the blind man into his office and asks him how he
expects to do this job since he is blind. The blind
man replied he would do it by smell. The manager
decides to test him and places a piece of wood in
front of him.

The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?"

The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir."

"Correct," says the manager, "now try this one."

"That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man.

"Correct," answers the manager. With that, the manager
decides to play a trick on the blind man. He gets his
secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in
the blind mans face.

"I'm confused," says the blind man, "Can you turn it
around?"

The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his
face.

The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But
I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the
bathroom door off a tuna boat!"
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently
married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and
stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law
standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work,"
the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law
explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him
happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if
you would leave because he will be home from work any
minute."

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk
and left. On the way home she thought about the love
dress. When she got home she undressed, showered, put
on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw
her standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she replied.

"Needs ironing." he said.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

There are these two friends, a white guy and a black
guy. One evening, they`re in a bar arguing over which
of them can have sex the most times in one night. They
decide to settle the issue by going to the local
whorehouse and gathering experimental evidence, as it
were.

So they get to the whorehouse, pair off with a couple
of the ladies, and go to their respective rooms. The
white guy energetically balls his whore and, reaching
up with a pencil,makes a "| " mark on the wall. Then
he falls asleep.

He wakes up in a couple of hours and screws the whore
again, albeit a little less enthusiastically this
time. Again, he reaches back and marks a " | " on the
wall. Again, he falls asleep.

He wakes up again in a couple of hours and
lethargically humps the hooker again. He drowsily
marks another " | " on the wall and falls asleep for
the rest of the night.

The next morning, the black guy barges into the white
guy`s room to see how he did. He takes one look at the
wall and exclaims, "A hundred and eleven?! Damn! You
beat me by three."
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

A married couple have been stranded on a deserted
island for many years. One day another man washes up
on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each
other right away, but realize they must be creative if
they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband,
however, is very glad to see the second man there.

"Now we will be able to have three people doing eight
hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people
doing 12-hour shifts."

The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact
volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the
tower to stand watch.

Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a
circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man
yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"

They yell back, "We're not screwing!"

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into
the stone circle. Again the second man yells down,
"Hey, no screwing!"

Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of
their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man
yells down,"Hey, I said no screwing!"

They yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs
down from the tower to be replaced by the husband.
He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new
friend are hard at it.

The husband looks out from the tower and
says,"Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like
they're screwing."


A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back
to their camp to meet the chief.

The chief says, "You going to die, cowboy. But we
sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three
days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first
wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."

The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the
horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the
horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours
later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She
jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with
the cowboy. The Indians look at each other figuring,
"Typical white thinks only with short bow."

The second day, the chief asks, "What your wish
today?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over
to the horse and whispers something in the horse's
ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the
horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off
and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. Again, the
Indians shake their heads figuring, "Typical white
man, going to die tomorrow and can only think of one
thing."

On the last day, and the chief says, "This your last
wish, white man. What you want?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the
horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read
my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"




One day, a mom and her son were at the zoo and they saw two monkeys fucking. The son asked "What are they doing mommy?" Her son being only 6 years old, she didn't want to give him "the talk" just yet. So she said, "Oh, they're baking cakes." Later that night, the son couldn't sleep so he came in his parents' room while they were fucking.
He asked what they were doing and they said "Oh, we just baking cakes." That weekend, the son says to his mom "I think sissy was baking cakes with her boyfriend." And trying to remain calm the mom said, "Why would you think that?" and the son said, "oh, when they were done, I went and licked the icing off the couch."



A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud
rooster for his chickens. The farmer puts the rooster
straight in the pen so he can get down to business.
The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and
says "OK, old fellow, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these
chickens... look at what it did to me!"

The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a
hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and
the young to take over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have
the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother
you,"

The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're
washed up! I'm taking over!"

So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says
to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young
fellow, I'll have a race with you around the
farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the
chicken coop. And since I'm so feeble, why not give me
a little head start?"

The young rooster says, "Sure, why not, you know I'll
still beat you."

They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken
to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running.
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off
after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and
the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the
old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on
the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his
shotgun and...BOOM! He shoots the young rooster dead.

He shakes his head gloomily and says to his wife! "Dag
nab it, that's the third gay rooster I bought this
week!"


This couple were in bed starting sexual activity when
the girl places the man's hand onto her pussy.
"Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does
without hesitation,as she starts moaning. "Put two
fingers in...", she says.

So in goes another one. She's really starting to get
worked up when she says,..."Put your whole hand in!".
The guy's like, "Well,Ok!".
So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning
and screaming with pleasure, "Put both your hands
inside of me!!!".

So the guy puts both of his hands in!
"Now clap your hands..."commands the girl.
"I can't applaud", says the guy.
The girl looks at him and says....."See, I told you I
had a tight pussy!".

Thanks DaisyDuck_2000


A man goes into her Dr's office, and start asking about different operations. "Doc, what is it called if you have your appendix removed?" And the Doctor replied, "It's an Appendectomy."
Then he asked about second operation. "Doc, what is it called if a woman has her uterus removed?" And again the Doctor replied, "It's called a Hysterectomy." The man was really satisfied with the answers he had recieved. He turned to walk out the door after thanking him for his help.
Just as he was getting ready to close the door, he said as he was blushing, "I have one more question Doc. What was it called when I had a sex change?"
The Doctor looked at him in shock, and replied, "It's called a Strapodictomy."

Horses in the race are:

1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Smooth Thighs
8. Big Johnson
9. Heavy Bosom
10. Merry Cherry

Place your bets.

And they're off...!

Conscience is left behind at the post.

Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.

Heavy Bosom is being pressured.

Passionate Lady is caught between Smooth Thighs and
Big Johnson in a very tight spot.

At the halfway mark it's Bare Belly on top.

Smooth Thighs open up and Big Johnson is pressed in.

Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.

Passionate Lady and Smooth Thighs are working hard on
Bare Belly

Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big
Johnson.

At the stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.

Big Johnson is making a final drive.

Passionate Lady is coming.

At the finish it's Big Johnson giving everything he's
got and Passionate Lady taking everything Big Johnson
has to offer.

It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts
through and wins by a head.

Heavy Bosom weakens and Smooth Thighs pulls-up the
rear.

Clean Sheets never had a chance.


I'd Like To Buy...

A man shopping in a supermarket brought his purchase of two cans of dog food to the checkout counter. The cashier asked, "Sir, do you have a dog?" "Yes." replied the man. "Well, where is it?" asked the cashier. "I left him home" he answered. "Sorry," the cashier said, "You can't buy the dog food if I can't see the dog. Those are the rules." The next day he returned to the store and brought some cat food to the checkout. "Do you have a cat?" asked the cashier. "Yes," he said, "but I left him home." "Sorry," she said, "If I can't see the cat, I can't sell you the food. Those are the rules." The next day the man walked into the store with a brown paper bag. He walked up to the cashier and said, "Here. Put your hand in here." The cashier put her hand in and said, "It's soft and warm. What is it?" The man replied, "I'd like three rolls of toilet paper!"


Two nuns were riding a two person bike down a road. The head nun was in the front and the nun in training was in the back. When they went over a bump, the first nun heard the nun in training moan. "Are you okay?" asked the head nun. "Fine." And they continued. Then they went over another bump and the nun in training moaned again. "Are you sure you're okay? Is there a problem with your seat?" And the nun in training replied; "What seat?" ~Thanx Theresa


A salesman went to the door of a young couple one day
and rang the doorbell. After 3 rings and no answer, he
assumed no one was home and decide to leave. He
happened to pass by an open window and saw the couple
naked on the sofa.

Being a pervert, he peered closer to get a better
look. He notice the woman was sitting with her legs
wide open, shaving her pubic area while staring at her
husband. He, on the other hand, was naked, stroking
himself, shaking his head wildly back and forth with
his free hand splashing in the fish tank.

The salesman was embarrassed when a neighbor walked up
and found him peeping. "These people need help!" said
the salesman.

"No, they don't," replied the neighbor. "They're deaf,
and the wife is just telling her husband he needs to
cut the grass, but the husband is telling the wife
'fuck no! I'm going fishing.'"

Thanks DaisyDuck_2000.


The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" Maureen asks. "Pretty much the way yo do," responds the martian. Discussion ensues and finally after the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experiance one another. Maureen and the male martian go off to a bedroom where the male martian strips. He's only got a teeny, tiny, weeny member -- about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work." says Maureen. "Why?" he asks "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies. "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," She says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow..." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting tot the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into the bed and made mad passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin theor normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, how was it?" ""I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies, "All I got was a headache. SHe kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."


A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir." "Correct, says the manager, now try this one." "Thats a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager. With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused," says the blind man, "Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the shit house."


A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"


A salesman had to leave the country on business and entrusted the job of keeping an eye on his wife to his best friend, leaving instructions to notify him immediately should anything out of the ordinary occur. After a week of no news, the businessman recieved an email: "You said to notify you of any change at your house. The man who comes to visit your every night didn't show up yesterday."

The guys guide to Pussy
1) Expensive Pussy:
Most pussy falls into this definition.
Expensive Pussy can be recognized by the following
fur coats
$500 dresses
spandex
bright colored shorts
shirts with greek letters on them.
98% of good pussy falls into this category.


Advantages:
If you can afford it, it will be great!


Disadvantages: Many, mostly in the form of checking account depletion Often not worth it.
2) Cheap Pussy:
Very rare.
Usually comes in the form of a girlfriend of yours who will not go away no matter what you do.
Cheap Pussy can be recognized by the following
she will often pay for dinner
understands when you are broke
calls every day
wants it constantly
easily hurt, but shakes it off.

Advantages:
Inexpensive
Guaranteed
Loving
Will try anything once and sometimes twice.
You're lucky if you find this

Disadvantages:
Won't go away
Possessive
Bugs you all the time
Can keep you from the tasks of finding other pussy
Will eventually want to get married and/or have children soon thus ruining it Often not worth it

3) Hired Pussy:
Found in the Hollywood area of Southern Cal and in every other large city in the US and abroad.
Recognized by scanty clothes and come-hither looks.
Expense varies greatly with the quality.
The difference between Hired Pussy and Expensive Pussy is that the money is up-front.

Advantages:
You don't have to stick around
Won't tell your girlfriend
Doesn't care who you are or what you look like
Often very experienced
Usually cheaper than Expensive Pussy

Disadvantages:
More expensive than Cheap Pussy in the long run
Risk of disease is high
Is illegal in most areas and the risk of jail time is high
Often not worth it.

4) Virgin Pussy:
This type is getting rarer each day.
Recognized by conservative clothes, good manners, and a marked distaste for dirty jokes and porno movies.
Can be very loving if you promise marriage, but will cause you more problems as you go along.
Frustration level is high as Virgin Pussy tends to want to stay that way for some unknown reason.

Advantages:
Risk of disease is very low
Will offer a very tight "fit" if it gives in
Sometimes open to new experience
Will often offer "other" services if Virginity is to be maintained

Disadvantages:
Usually will not give in until marriage
Will cause discomfort upon useage
Not very imaginative
Not usually into using birth control which can cause"accidents"
Can only be used once
Usually not worth it unless you're into that sort of thing.

5) Nympho Pussy:
Very rare.
Recognized by the tendency to drag you by your balls into bed and going at it to the point of exhaustion Very experienced, will teach you things you never knew.
Expense varies depending on level of Nymphomania.

Advantages:
Will send you into la-la land
Will try anything once

Disadvantages:
You are probably not the only one
Thus disease risk can be high
Will tire you out and ask for more
Can be unstable
Will not give a steady relationship
Often not worth it.

6) Frigid Pussy:
Less rare.
See (4) for recognition.
Difference is that this Pussy will not yield no matter what.
Any expense involved is simply wasted (unless you are into real frustration).

Advantages:
There are no advantages

Disadvantages:
Too many to list here
Best to stay away once recognized
Never worth it.

7) Innocent Nympho Pussy:
Rare.
Recognized by being in a small, sweet, innocent package which you would never in a million years think would give in, but when it does, you are in for a hell of a surprise.
Often mistaken for (4).
Expense varies, but usually falls into the cheaper category.

Advantages:
The surprise is blissful
Always worth it
Keep it if you can

Disadvantages:
If (4) is mistaken for (7), serious consequences may result.
May or may not be faithful.

8) Party Pussy:
Found at bars and at parties.
Recognized by glass of wine in hand and bloodshot eyes.
Will engage in group festivities while completely ripped.
Expense usually covers drinks.
Make sure you are not ripped as to better enjoy the experience.

Advantages:
Easy to obtain unless you are real unlucky
Be sure to say the right thing

Disadvantages:
Disease risk is high
Will not usually remain faithful
The Support System may tend to puke all over you.
Often not worth it.

9) Nutsy Pussy:
Support System has psychological problems.
Recognized by the fact that she will go out with you, then spill her problems on you.
May tend to kill you while you sleep.
Gives in for no apparent reason..
Usually found as a quiet co-worker.

Advantages:
Easy!

Disadvantages:
Never really worth it


"Do you have any Viagra in stock?" the man asked the pharmacist.
"Yes sir, I do."
"Can I get it over the counter?"
"Well, sure," the pharmacist replied, "but only if you take three of them."
------------------------------------------------------------

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and
said,"This will make you happy tonight." He was right.
When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all
over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

Thanks DaisyDuck_2000.


While on vacation with their young son, a couple decided to spend a day at a nude beach. After an hour in the sun, the father went for a walk while the son played in the water. Soon the boy ran up to his mother and said, "Mommy, I saw a lady with boobies, a lot bigger than yours!"
"The bigger they are, the dumber they are," she told him. So he went back to play.
Minutes later he returned. "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's."
"The bigger they are," she said, "the dumber they are." So he went back to play.
Several minutes later he ran back again. "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw," he blurted, "and the more he talked, the dumber he got!"


There's a businessman going on a business trip and he's worried his wife could be unfaithful during his absence. So he decides he'll get her something to keep herself 'occupied' with while he's not there to fuck the shit out of her. So he goes to this specialty shop, tells the cashier his problem and asks for something that would solve his problem.
The cashier says he has the perfect item for what he needs, so he goes to the back and comes back with a box. He opens the box and inside is a magic dildo. The man is very skeptical of its magical ability so the cashier demonstrates by saying, "Magic Dildo! Wall!" and the dildo gets up and starts fucking the wall.
Immediately the businessman is pleased and said he'll take it. He gets home and tells his wife he got her something and she asks what it is. He says, "I got you a magic dildo, this is how it works.....Magic Dildo! Door!" and it gets up and starts fucking the door. She is very surprised at the gift she's gotten so later that night after he's left she decides to see how good it is. She lays there ass naked and says, "Magic Dildo! Cunt!" and it starts fucking her, she lays there for a good amount of time hitting orgasm after orgasm and then decides to stop.
But she realizes her husband didn't tell her how to stop it, so she sits there all night with this fake dick fucking the shit out of her. So she gets up in the morning and realizes she has to go to work, so she gets in her car and heads off still hitting orgasm after orgasm.
This making her hit around 90mph on her drive to work, so she eventually gets pulled over. The officer approaches the car and says, "Do you realize you were going 90 miles per hour, what could possibly be your excuse?" She replies, "Its this magic dildo, I cant help it." He replies, "Magic Dildo my ass!!!!!" So it gets up and starts fucking him in the ass.



A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying.
So the husband inquires, "What's wrong, Honey?"
"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean."
The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast." So off they went to the bedroom. That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen.
"What's wrong now, Sweetie?"
"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook."
Again the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!" So off they went to the bedroom again. That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister.
After the third trip the husband asks, "What are you doing, Honey?" "Warming up your supper!" she replies.



During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."


A guy on a date parks his car and gets the woman in the back seat. They make love, but the woman wants it again and the guy complies. She wants more so they do it again, but she still wants more.
Exhausted, the guy says, "Excuse me a minute, I have to relieve myself." While out of the car he notices a man half a block away changing a flat.
He asks the man, "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me." So the man agrees & gets into the car. He is just getting into "high-gear" when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them.
The cop asks, "What are you doing in there?" The guy says, "I'm making love to my wife." The cop asks, "Why don't you do that at home?" The guy answers, "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."



A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge at her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?" "No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."



MARKET RESEARCH

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a
young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used
the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually, people
lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to
help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use
it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank
so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I
put it on the doorknob, and it keeps the kids out."


A man walks into a bar and sees a jar with money in it and a horse standing next to it. The bartender told the man to put a dollar in the jar and make the horse laugh.
So the man put a dollar into the jar and told the horse something. Suddenly the horse began to laugh hysterically. The man took the money and left. The next day the man walked into the bar and saw the jar of money and the horse standing next to it.
This time, the bartender told the man to make the horse cry. The man put a dollar in the jar, walked over to the horse, and the horse began to cry. The man took the money and as he was about to leave when the bartender asked him...
"How did you do that?" the man replied, "On the first day, I told the horse my dick was longer than his, and on the second day, I showed him."



The man was in a hurry to board the airplane and didn't have time to do the paperwork to get his little doggie on board. So the man stashed the puppy down the front of his pants and sneaked him on the plane. About 30 minutes into the flight, a stewardess noticed that the man was squirming in his seat.
"Are you OK, mister?" the stewardess asked.
"Yes, I'm fine," said the man.
Time went by and again the stewardess noticed strange movements.
"Are you sure you're all right, sir?"
"Yes," the man insisted, but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to do the paperwork to bring my puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants."
"I see," the stewardess said. "Well, as long as he's housebroken, I guess it will be OK."
"Oh, he's housebroken," the man replied. "The problem is, he's not weaned yet!"



This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"
She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."
Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"
She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"
The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."
Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"



"Jane" was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp-only to discover a cucumber in his hand.
"Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past 10 years!?!"
"Honey! Let me explain!"
"Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent SOB!!"
"Speaking of sneaky!" he interrupted, Maybe you'd care to explain our 2 kids!!!"




A man walks into a public bathroom and begins using one of the urinals. He looks to his left and sees a very short man peeing also. Suddenly, the short man looks up at the taller man, and the taller man is completely embarrassed about staring at the smaller man's penis.
"Sorry," says the taller man."I'm not gay or anything, but you have the longest penis I've ever seen, especially on a man so small!"
"Well," says the Leprechaun, "That's because I'm a Leprechaun! ALL Leprechauns have penises this size!" The taller man says, "Incredible! I'd give anything if mine were that long."
"Well, what with me being a Leprechaun and all, I can give you your wish! If you let me take you into that stall over there and screw you, I'll give you your wish!"
"Gee," says the man, "I don't know about that----aw hell with it, OK!"
Soon, the Leprechaun is behind the taller man, just humping away.
"Say," says the Leprechaun, "How old are you, son?"
Finding it difficult to turn with the Leprechaun humping him so ferociously, the tall man says over his shoulder, "Uh-Uh, Thirty-two..."
"Imaging that, " says the little man, "Thirty-two and still believes in Leprechauns!"



This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it? " The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in.
She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?"
He: "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"
He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He:"Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"
To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"



Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."



"Doc, I think my son has a VD," a patient told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's screwed is the maid."
"OK, don't be hard on hi. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get him here right away. I'll take care of him."
"But, Doc. I've been screwing the maid too and I've got the same symptoms he has."
"Then you come in with him," the doctor said. "I'll fix you both up in no time."
"Well, the man admitted,"I think my wifee has it too."
"Son of a bitch!" the physician roared."That means we've all got it!"


A female reporter was conducting an interview with
a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do
you have any idea what might be the cause of the
disease?"

"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows
once a year?"

"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but
what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"

"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"

"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the
point?"

"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your
tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year,
wouldn't you go mad, too?