The Funny, Funny Pages


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Jokes 21

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Ever wondered which Muppet character you are most
like?  Well, a team of researchers got together and
analyzed the personalities of Sesame Street characters
and put the information gathered into this  quiz.
Answer each question with the answer that most
describes you; then, add up the points that correspond
with your  answer.  Keep track of the question number
and your answer. You'll need both to unlock the secret
code at the end.

Don't read the answers until you have taken the
test!!!  Then send this to all your friends, including
the person who sent  it to you with your character
name in the subject line.

1.   What describes your perfect date?

(a) Candlelight dinner for two
(b)  Amusement park
(c)  Rollerblading in the park
(d)  Rock concert
(e)  See a movie
2.   What is your favorite type of music?

(a)  Rock 'n' roll
(b)  Alternative
(c) Soft rock
(d)  Classical
(e)  Popular
3.   Of the following, what is your favorite type of

(a)  Comedy
(b)  Horror
(c) Musical
(d)  Romantic
(e)  Documentary
4.   Which of the following jobs would you chose if
you were given only these choices?

(a)  Waiter/waitress
(b)  Sports player
(c)  Teacher
(d)  Policeman
(e)  Bartender
5.   Which would you rather do if you had an hour to

(a)  Work out
(b) Read
(c)  Watch TV
(d)  Listen to radio
(e)  Sleep
6.   Of the following colors which do you like the

(a)  Yellow
(b) White
(c)  Sky blue
(d)  Teal
(e)  Red
7.   Which one of the following would you like to eat
right now?

(a)  Ice cream
(b) Pizza
(c)  Sushi
(d)  Pasta
(e)  Salad
8.   What is your favorite holiday?

(a)  Halloween/Purim
(b)  Christmas/Hanukkah
(c)  New Year's/Shana Tovah
(d)  Valentine's Day/Tu B'shvat
(e)  Thanksgiving/ Pesach
9.   If you could go to any of the following places,
which would it be?

(a) Paris
(b)  Spain
(c)  Las Vegas
(d)  Hawaii
(e) Hollywood
10.  Of the following who would you rather spend time

(a)  Someone who is smart
(b)  Someone with good looks
(c) Someone who is a party animal
(d)  Someone who has fun all the time
(e) Someone who is very emotional
1.   (a) 4; (b) 2; (c) 5; (d) 1; (e) 3
2.   (a) 2; (b) 1; (c) 4; (d) 5; (e) 3
3.   (a) 2; (b) 1; (c) 3; (d) 4; (e) 5
4.   (a) 4; (b) 5; (c) 3; (d) 2; (e) 1
5.   (a) 5; (b) 4; (c) 2; (d) 1; (e) 3
6.   (a) 1; (b) 5; (c) 3; (d) 2; (e) 4
7.   (a) 3; (b) 2; (c) 1; (d) 4; (e) 5
8.   (a) 1; (b) 3; (c) 2; (d) 4; (e) 5
9.   (a) 4; (b) 5; (c) 1; (d) 2; (e) 3
10.  (a) 5; (b) 2; (c) 1; (d) 3; (e) 4
10 - 17 points:
You are OSCAR.  You are wild and crazy and you know
it.  You know how to have fun, but you take it to
extremes.  You  know what you are doing though and are
much in control of your own life. People don't always
see things your way,  but that doesn't mean that you
should do away with your beliefs. Try to remember that
your wild spirit can lead to hurting yourself and

18 - 26 points:
You are ERNIE.  You are fun and popular.  You are a
real crowd pleaser. You have probably been out on the
town your  share of times, yet you come home with the
values that your mother taught you. Marriage and
children are important to  you, but only after you
have fun. Don't let the people you please influence
you to stray.

27 - 34 points:
You are ELMO.  You are cute and everyone loves you.
You are a best friend that no one takes the chance of
losing.  You never hurt feelings and seldom have your
own feelings hurt.  Life is a breeze. You are witty
and calm most of the time. Just keep clear of
backstabbers, and you are worry free.

35 - 42 points:
You are ZOE.  You are a lover.  Romance, flowers, and
wine are all you need to enjoy yourself.  You are
serious about  all commitments. A family person. You
call your Mom every Sunday and never forget a
birthday.  Don't let your passion  for romance get
confused with the real thing.

43 - 50 points:
You are BERT.  You are smart, a real thinker.  Every
situation is approached with a plan.  You are very
healthy in mind and body. You teach strong family
values.  Keep your feet planted in them, but don't
overlook a bad situation when it  does happen.
Remember, when you forward this to your friends, put
your CHARACTER NAME in the SUBJECT BOX.  Make sure you
 send it back to the one who sent it to you too!!!
What you won't find on a Hallmark card...
         So your daughter's a hooker,
          and it spoiled your day.
          Look at the bright side,
           it's really good pay.
            My tire was thumping.
           I thought it was flat.
          When I looked at the tire.
         I noticed your cat. Sorry!
          You had your bladder removed
            and you're on the mend.
          Here's a bouquet of flowers
            and a box of Depends.
             Happy Vasectomy!
            Hope you feel zippy!
           Cause when I had mine
             I got real snippy.
          Heard your wife left you.
           How upset you must be.
          But don't fret about it.
            She moved in with me
            You totaled your car.
          And can't remember why.
            Could it have been.
          That whole case of Bud Dry?
"Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder. What the fuck was I
"Congratulations on your wedding day!  Too bad no one
likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an
ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone
love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I
never believed in Hell til I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that
you're not here to ruin it for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's
your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts
you've given me. Like the need for therapy."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew
what evil was before this!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go,
would you like to take this knife out of my back.
You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Happy Birthday!? You look great for your age...Almost
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for
me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you
kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for
my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and
chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time, what say
we call it quits."
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you
ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a
sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....I'd
miss you heaps and think of often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for
your birthday - so we're having you put to sleep."
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her
wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th
birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak
very well, but she could write notes when she needed
to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn,
Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some
family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her
left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed
pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward,
so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a
pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma
and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are
they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a
note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch
speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car
puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This
driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns
on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five
old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the
back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer,
I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed
limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding,
but you should know that driving slower than the speed
limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I
was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty Two miles
an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State
Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains
to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed
limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and
thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
 "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is
everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully
shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this
whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just
got off Route 119."
  On hearing that her elderly grandfather had  just
passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's
house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort
When she ask how her grandfather had died, her
grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we
were making love on Sunday morning." 
  Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2  people
nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking
for trouble.
Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years  ago,
realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best
time to have sex was when the church bells would start
to ring. It was just the right rhythm.  Nice and slow
and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the
Ding, and out on the Dong." 
  She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued,
"and if that  ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd
still be alive today!"
While visiting  England, George Bush is invited to tea
with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership
philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself
with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if
they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the
Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate." She phones Tony
Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer
this question: "Your mother has a child, and your
father has a child, and this child is not your
brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the
Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr.
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better
put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations
Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the
White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if
you'd mind answering a question for me?"
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a
child, and this child is not your brother or your
sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think
about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls
meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they
puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody
can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation,
Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and
explains his problem.
"Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your
father has a child, and this child is not your brother
or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House
exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is!
It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, Senator. It's
Tony Blair."
The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a
tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make
it to the Emerald City and come before the Great
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:" I've come for
some courage."
"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I.......I
think I need a brain."
"DONE" says the Wizard.
Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American
people that I need a heart."
"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT
There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is
just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a
word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,
"Is Dorothy here?"
I have a moral question for you. This is an imaginary
situation, but I think it is interesting to decide
what one would do.
The situation: You are in the Middle East, and there
is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been
lost, water supplies compromised and structures
Let's say that you're a photographer and getting still
photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking
for particularly poignant scenes.
You come across Osama Bin Laden who has been swept
away by the floodwaters. He is barely hanging on to a
tree limb and is about to go under.
You can either put down your camera and save him, or
take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of him as he
loses his grip on the limb.
So, here's the question and think carefully before you
answer the question:
Which lens would you use?
The Hypnotist
  The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back
and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,
until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the
watch fell to the floor.
"Shit," exclaimed the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was
attracted to him, and during her questions about his
life, she asked him how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to
him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh,... Tarzan use hole in trunk of
Horrified, she said, Tarzan you have it all
wrong,...but I will show you how to do it properly.
She took off her clothes and laid down on the ground.
"Here" she said, you must put it in here." Tarzan
removed his loincloth showing Jane his considerable
manhood, stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty
kick right in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony
for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed:
"What did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for bees.
Dear Crabby:
  I am a sailor in the United States Coast Guard. My
parents live in the suburbs of Philadelphia and one of
my Sisters, who lives in Bensonhurst is married to a
transvestite. My Father and Mother have recently been
arrested for growing and selling marijuana. I have two
brothers, one who is currently serving a non parole
life sentence in Attica, for murder, the other
currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center
on robbery charges.
  I have recently become engaged to marry a former
Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and indeed is
still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel;
however, her time there is limited, as she has
recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry
as soon as possible and are currently looking into the
possibility of opening our own brothel, with my fiancÚ
Utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the
manager. I am hoping my two Sisters would be
interested in joining our team. Although I would
prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it
would get them off the streets and, hopefully, the
  My problem is this: I love my fiancÚ and look
forward to bringing her into the family, and of course
I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell
her about my cousin who is a Detroit Lions fan? 
Signed, Worried
Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a
brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her
face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her
eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when
I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still
working on that damn makeup!!!
Well I'm a man but this sight scared me so badly, I
dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut
out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying
to straighten out the car using my knees against the
steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my
ear which fell into the coffee between my legs,
splashed and burned me in a sensitive spot, ruined the
Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital
swimming pool Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly
jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and
pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's
act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from
the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally
When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I
have good news and bad news. The good news is you're
being discharged because since you were able to jump
in and save the life of another patient, I think
you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the
patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt
in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there
to dry."
 An Easter Story - The Blonde Version
   Three Blondes died in an accident trying to jump
the Grand Canyon. They are at the pearly gates of
Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the
gates only if they can answer one simple religious
   The question posed by St. Peter is, "What is
   The first Blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's
the holiday in November when we all get together, eat
turkey and are thankful."
   Wrong! You are not welcome here, I'm afraid.  You
must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter.
   Then he turns to the second Blonde, and asks her
the same question, "What is Easter?"
   The second Blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday
in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange
presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
   St. Peter looks at the second Blonde, bangs his
head on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her
she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the
other place; she is not welcome in Heaven. He then
peers over his glasses at the third Blonde and asks,
"Do YOU know what Easter is?"
  The third Blonde smiles confidently and looks St.
Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
  "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
  "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with
the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his
disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was
later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of
his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and
he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of
thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his
hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which
was sealed off by a large boulder."
  St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
  Then the third Blonde continues, "Every year the
boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and,
if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was
her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on
"Science & Nature." Her question was "If you are in a
vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or
There was a blonde woman who was having financial
troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a
ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little
boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I
have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain
brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow
at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde". She pinned the note
inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go
straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the
$10,000 in a brown bag,behind the big oak tree, just
as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the
following note..."Here is your money. I cannot believe
that one blonde would do this to another!"
 An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing
construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of
a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman
said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef
and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump
off this building."
 The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,
"Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm
going to jump off, too."
 The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again.
If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping
 The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw
corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
 The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and
jumped too.
 The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and
jumped to his death as well.
 At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She
said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned
beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him
 The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have
given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he
hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
ARE YOU READY FOR IT....................
IT'S WORTH THE WAIT...................
HERE IT COMES.... ................................
 "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own
A salesman on business in Vegas is in a bar. He is
talking to a pretty woman for about a half hour when
he realizes she is a hooker.
"I'll give you $200 for a mediocre blow job," he says.
"Honey," she replies, "for $200 I'll give you the blow
job of a lifetime!"
"You don't understand," he says, "I'm not horny, just
This guy is going through a nasty divorce. One night
he's sitting at a bar getting plastered. Suddenly he
raises his head, looks over his shoulder to his left
and yells, "You women are all bitches!" then goes back
to staring into his drink.
Five minutes later he raises his head looks over his
shoulder to his right and yells, "You women are all
To that a woman stands up and says, "I am not a
The guy keeps looking at his glass and says, "Then get
to the other side."
A man came home early from work, and found his young
son crying. He asked, "What's wrong?" The son said,
"The Bogeyman is in Mom's closet."
He told his son there was no such thing as a Bogeyman,
and told him they would go look and he would see. He
went upstairs, and found his wife in bed. He walked to
the closet, opened the door, and found a naked man.
He said, "What's the matter with you? Don't you have
anything better to do than run around scaring little
It was George's last day on the job as a postman after
35 years of delivering the mail through all kinds of
weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route George
was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and
soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with
a tidy gift envelope with a hundred dollar bill.
At the second house the owners presented him with a
box of fine Cuban cigars.
The folks at the third house, knowing he was an avid
fisherman, handed him a selection of terrific fishing
At the fourth house George was met at the door by a
strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, beckoning him in, closing
the door behind them, leading him up the stairs to the
bedroom where she blew his mind with the most
passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had enough, they went downstairs, where she
then fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham,
sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange
juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a
cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking
out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was
just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's
the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that
today would be your last day, and that we should do
something special for you. I asked him what to give
you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' -- The
breakfast was my idea."
A long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the Deep
South. He got a ride from a mean-looking trucker.
After riding about 30 miles in silence the youth
finally said, "Well, aren't you going to ask me?"
"Ask you what?" replied the trucker.
"If I'm a boy or a girl..." answered the youth.
"Don't matter," replied the trucker, "I'm gonna fuck
ya anyway."
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their
retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled
shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with
her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she
once could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to
be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the
size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word
you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking

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