Three men were playing golf one day. The first man
teed off and the ball landed right in the water
hazard. He walked to the edge of the water and made a
parting motion with his hands. The water parted, he
walked to the bottom of the hazard and chipped the
ball onto the fairway. His two partners said, "Nice
The second man teed off and His ball also landed in
the water hazard. He walked up to the hazard, walked
out on the water, His ball rose to the surface and He
chipped the ball onto fairway. His two partners said,
"Nice shot, Jesus!"
The third mad teed off, His ball sliced far left,
bounced off a tree and light pole before it landed on
the clubhouse roof. It rolled into the rain gutter,
down the downspout, emerged at the bottom and bounced
down the sidewalk. A squirrel saw the ball, ran from
its tree, grabbed the ball and scurried back to its
nest. A hawk saw the squirrel, swooped down, grabbed
it and flew away. The hawk and the squirrel flew
directly over the green where the squirrel dropped the
ball and, PLOP, nothin' but cup. Jesus said, "Nice
A man walking in the woods decided to ask God a
"God," the man said. "What is a million years to you?"
"What is a million years to you, is just a second to
"What is a million dollars to you?"
"What is a million dollars to you is just a penny to
"So God," the man said. "Can I have a penny?"
"Sure. Just a sec."
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party.
"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's
insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"
The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let
me give you an example. The other day I meant to say
'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said
'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said
that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it
would be a woman.
God said, "This person will gather food for you, and
when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She
will always agree with every decision you make. She
will bear your children and never ask you to get up in
the middle of the night to take care of them. She will
not nag you and will always be the first to admit she
was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will
never have a headache and will freely give you love
and passion when ever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
And the rest is history.
A blonde named Barbara is appearing on Who Wants To Be A
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend. The next question will give you the first ever Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go"
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is
"Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars.
Barbara: " I think I know who it........ but I'm not 100%....No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis just to be sure.
Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Carol back home in Brooklyn." (ringing)
Carol (also a blonde): "Hello..."
Regis: "Hello Carol, its Regis Philbin here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to get to a Million. The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question. There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."
Barbara: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Carol: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....Its a Cuckoo.
Barbara: "You think?"
Carol: "I'm sure."
Barbara: " Thanks Carol." (hangs up)
Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Yes fairly, Carol's a sound bet."
Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo
...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
That night Barbara calls round to Carol and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Carol and asks "Tell me Carol, How in God's name did
you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"
Carol: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over to the other and said, "Cripes! life is boring, we never have any fun these days. **For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!" "You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up five dollars. As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall. His friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. *The streaker burst through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "How did it go?" asked his friend.
"Great!" he said, "I WON FIRST PRIZE FOR DRIED ARRANGEMENT'.
Thanks a bunch Gail
Very Bad News
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man.
"How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks.
"Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night. "Dear God, thank you for these pancakes . . ." When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said, "I thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight."
Jenny and kids had just returned from church. "My 5 and 7 year old kids were showing me the faces they'd drawn in Sunday School. Now, museum quality they're not, but these were particularly unbalanced. I asked them why. My 7 year old explained, 'we were supposed to close our eyes and pretend we were blonde.' I can only assume he meant *blind*."
SHAME ON HIM
A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There's no sign of the offending vehicle, but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper. "Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address, and other particulars. But I'm not."
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says "Please come over and help me, I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."
Her boyfriend asks "What is the puzzle of?"
The blonde responds "According to the picture on the box it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in the door and shows him to where he has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says: First, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into a tiger."
"Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and then put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
Thanks again Gail
Three blondes were on an island when they found an old bottle. The
first blonde rubbed the bottle and POOF! A genie appeared. Upon
seeing that there were three blondes, he told them that they may have
one wish each.
The first blonde thought about it for a second, then said to the genie
that she would like to be 50% smarter so she could work out a way off
the island. The genie waved his hand, and POOF! The first blonde
became 50% smarter. She went away and collected driftwood and built a
raft and left the island.
The second blonde stated that she would like to be 100% smarter, so
the genie waved his hand, and POOF! She became 100% smarter. She
went away and cut down a tree and cuts out a canoe and paddles away
from the island.
The third blonde said that she would like to be as smart as a man, so
the genie waved his hand, and POOF! She became as smart as a man.
She walked across the sand and left the island by walking across the
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends
$5,000.00 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home
she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the
sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you
think I am?"
"About 32", the clerk replies.
"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later, she goes into McDonald's, and upon getting her
order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd
guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good
While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question.
He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when
I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it
requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs.
Then I can tell exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the
best of the woman, and she finally said, "What the hell, go ahead."
The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins
to feel around. After a couple of minutes, she says, "Okay, okay, how
old am I?"
He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."
Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing! How did you know?"
The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's.
A man had been married to a young woman for a short time, and he found he hated her. He went to his doctor and asked for some poison to kill her. The doctor refused, but instead gave him a love potion and said she would be dead in one month. Two days before the month was up, the doctor stopped by the couple's home. The man was sitting on the porch. He looked weak, pale and really sick. His wife came out dressed in white shorts, tanned, and said she was going to play tennis. She got in her new sports car and left. The man said to the doctor, "Look at her! She doesn't know that she will be dead in two days!"
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each.
Every day, a young lawyer would leave his office building at lunch
time and, as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a
quarter, but would never take a pretzel.
This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke.
One day, as the lawyer passed the old lady's pretzel stand and left
his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him. " Sir, I
appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell
you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents."