When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
WHY MEN DON'T MAKE GOOD SECRETARIES
Husband's note to his wife: "Doctor's office called - said your Pabst
beer was normal."
Bumper Sticker: Some of these you've seen, but some are new.
DRIVER CARRIES NO CASH. HE'S MARRIED. STOP REPEAT OFFENDERS-DON'T REELECT THEM!
IF YOU ARE NOT A HEMMORHOID, GET OFF MY ASS!
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
I need someone real bad...Are you real bad?
The ship sank. Get over it.
Doing my part to piss off the religious right.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Keep honking...I'm reloading.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Hang up and drive.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather ...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Montana: At least the cows are sane.
God must love stupid people...He made SO many
I said "no" to drugs, but they didn't listen.
Your kid may be an honor student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else
i say no to drugs,but they dont say no to me.
THANK YOU for keeping a work-free environment.
"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."
My kid beat up your honor student.
Nice face. But what are you going to do when the monkey wants his ass back.
When I die, bury me face down, so the whole world can kiss my ass.
I want to be like Barbie the bitch has everything!
I LOVE CATS, THEY TASTE JUST LIKE CHICKEN!
Honk if you haven't slept with Clinton!
I would slap you but shit splatters.
Don't laugh, you're daughter might be in here.
All below in italics from: Robert M. Hensel
Road rage: Who gives a BEEP!
Why not raise a little hell, even Satan likes to part now and then!
"SPECIAL UPDATE" Elvis has just been spotted entering gay night club with a HUNKA HUNKA man!
Get down on all fours. Okay, now bark like a dog!
"MARRIAGE", One indecent proposal!
REALITY BITES, and I have the teeth marks to prove it!
New Yorkers are the crab apples of Society!
MENOPAUSE: When it comes to bitching, theirs no better alibi!
Women have made men out to be what they still are today: PIGS!!!
I've managed to consolidate all my bills into one single GARBAGE CAN!
Love is in the air, and it's a real STINKER TOO!
IMPOTENCY: It's all in the HEAD!
If sex won't come to you: Advertise!
If honesty is the best policy, I want a refund!
You're the object of my ERECTION!
No drugs here, OFFICER!
Constipated People Don't Give A Shit
Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
If You Drink, Don't Park. Accidents Cause People
Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut
Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant
Thank You For Pot Smoking
To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing
If At First You Don't Succeed, Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings"
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer
Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger
It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger
If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
So many pedestrians, So little time
The Face Is Familiar, But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Illiterate? Write For Help
Honk If Anything Falls Off
Cover Me. I'm Changing Lanes
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...[Seen upside down on a jeep]
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed for 70 mph.
Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
Ax Me About Ebonics
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
Boldly Going Nowhere
Cat: The Other White Meat
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde
Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That
Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?
If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
Saw It .... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A WOMAN.
All men are animals, some just make a good pet
Some people are alive only because it is illegal to shoot them
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.
I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
Graffiti from a bathroom: "Earth is full. Go home."
WHAT HALLMARK DOESN'T PRINT:
You totaled your car
And can't remember why.
Could it have been That
whole case of Bud Dry?
Your hair is like a ball of straw,
Your nose is long and funny;
Your mouth is like a cellar door,
But I still love you, Honey.
Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it.
She moved in with me!
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age - almost lifelike!
Hope you feel zippy!
Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.
Guys talking in a bar:"What's that you say? You've got
5 penises? Don't you have a problem with underwear?"
"Nah. Fits like a glove."
Did you hear about the guy who died from snorting
He thought it was diet coke.
Did you hear about the new bird dog bra?
It turns setters into pointers.
Movie Rating System Explained:
G: Nobody gets the
girl.PG: The Good Guy Gets
The Girl.R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.X: Everybody
Gets The Girl.
1. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
2. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we
still have monkeys and apes?
4. Is boneless chicken considered to be an
5. Do married people live longer than single people or
does it just SEEM longer?
6. If all those psychics know the winning lottery
numbers, why are they all still working?
7. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and
he'll believe you. If you tell him a bench has wet
paint, why does he have to touch it?
8. How come Superman could stop bullets with his
chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at
9. Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients
but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
10. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a
1. The two most common elements in the universe are
hydrogen and stupidity.
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for
3. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery
easier to live with.
4. Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally
ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a
7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a
8. It has recently been discovered that research
causes cancer in rats.
9. The trouble with doing something right the first
time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
10. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by
moving from where you left them to where you can't
Anagrams are words or phrases made by transposing or
rearranging letters of other words or phrases.
"Dormitory" - Dirty Room
"Evangelist" - Evil's Agent
"Desperation" - A Rope Ends It
"The Morse Code" - Here Come Dots
"Slot Machines" - Cash Lost in 'em
"The Earthquakes" - That Queer Shake
"Eleven plus two" - Twelve plus one
Answering Machine Messages
1. Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't
lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of
2. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick
your message to myself with one of these magnets.
3. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable
of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding,
windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean.
They give to charity through the office and don't need
their picture taken. They are also very happy with
their current phone service. If you're still with me,
leave your name and number and they will get back to
4. The College Special. A is for academics, B is for
beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So
leave a message.
5. If you are a burglar calling to check, then we're
probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and
can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't
home and it's safe to leave us a message.
6. Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I
don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call
back, it's you.
7. You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail
System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally
encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done,
our computers will be able to use the sound of your
voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral
purposes. There is no charge for this initial
consultation. However our staff of professional
extortionists will contact you in the near future to
further explain the benefits of our service, and to
arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to
speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
Children's Books Not Recommended by the National
Clifford the Big Dog is Put to Sleep
Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose
The Hardy Boys, the Bobsey Twins, and the Vice Squad
Charles Manson Bedtime Stories
Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle
Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be
Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave
Testing Homemade Parachutes With Your Household Pets
Signs of Menopause
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood
stove, he is using you to heat the family room this
winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused,
you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids'
names on them.
4. Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home." And your
reply, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie fucking Nelson."
5. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's
Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
6. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
7. You're on so much estrogen that you take your
Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN LAW BUT AREN'T:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't:
1. Think you can get me off?
Two guys walk into a bar. One has to get stitches!
A man walked into a bar. He said, "Ouch!"
Three men are walking down the street. Two men walk
into a bar, the third man ducks.
Why was the little ink drop crying?
Because his father was in the pen and he didn't know
how long the sentence was gonna be!
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an
address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband
? Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken
? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the
? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins
? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
? Why is a boxing ring square?
? Why is it called lipstick if you can still move
? Why is it that doctors call what they do
? Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,
and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
? Why is the man who invests all your money
called a broker?
? Why is the third hand on the watch called a
? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic
called rush hour?
? You know that little indestructible black box
that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole
plane out of the same substance?
? Why do you need a driver's license to buy
liquor when you can't drink and drive?
THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO "HMM..."
Very good questions attributed to George Carlin:
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Thanks DaisyDuck_2000. I really enjoy your jokes and everything. Thank you for being a good friend to me.
Im so fat that....
...When I dance I make the band skip.
...My cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.
...When I go to the zoo the elephants throw me peanuts.
...My graduation picture was a aerial photograph.
...My driver's license says picture continued on other side.
...The back of my neck looks like a pack of hotdogs.
...When I ran away they had to use all 4 sides of the milk carton.
...When I get in an elevator it HAS to go DOWN!
...They have to grease the door frames and put a Twinkie on the other side to get me through.
...I could become rich and sell shade.
...My belly button doesn't have lint -- it has sweaters.
Q: What's the difference between a man and a savings bond?
A: A savings bond eventually matures.
Q: What is the first thing that Adam said to Eve?
A: "Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets."
Q: What do you call a skeleton in a blonde's closet?
A: The world's hide-and-go seek champion.
Q: How do you top a tar?
A: Tep on da brake tupid.
Q: What do you use used tampons for?
A: Teabags for vampires.
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your parents.
Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: What does Bill Clinton say to interns as as they leave his office?
A: "Don't hit your head on the desk."
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: What do the gynecologist and the Pizza delivery man have in common?
A: They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it.
Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimia bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.
Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What do you call a dog with 4" legs and 6" steel balls? A: Sparky.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?
A: The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out.
Q: What's somewhat brown and often found in children's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A: Nothing. The lawyer still screws you when your dead.
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out that she was pregnant?
A: Is it mine?
Q: How do most men define marriage?
A: A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?
A: The Atlantic Coast would never have that many crabs.
Q: Why did the blonde have lip stick on her steering wheel?
A: She was trying to blow the horn.
Q: What do blondes and cow pies have in common?
A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Q: What's the difference between your penis and your bonus?
A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!
Q: What do you get when you cross Rogaine and Viagra?
A: Don King
Q: Why do Montana ranchers take their sheep up to the mountain cliffs?
A: It's the only time the animals will push back.
Q: What's a good sign that you are on a good first date?
A: You ask her to dance, and she gets up on the table.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde that had to chances to get pregnant?
A: She blew both of them.
Q: How many seconds are there in a year?
A: Twelve. January second, February second, March second...
Q: What is the best thing to come out of a penis?
A: The wrinkles.
Q: Why didnt the businessman get arrested when he kidnapped a short holy man?
A: He was just doing a little prophet taking.
Q: What happened when Napoleon went to Mount Olive?
A: Popeye got pissed.
Q: Did you hear that Viagra is now available as a
A: Yeah, apparently it's for dickheads.
Q: What's the traditional form of self-defense based
on talking oneself out of a tight spot?
Q: Why did the Polish man die while eating Prairie
A: The bull dragged him to death.
Q: What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she
had sugar in her urine?
A: She peed on her cornflakes.
Q: Why do blondes insist on using condoms for sex?
A: So they'll have a doggie bag for later.
Q: What did the blonde's dentist find?
A: Teeth in her cavity.
Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for French fries.
Q: Did you hear about the sophisticated blonde?
A: Yeah, she thought her period was French Provincial.
Q: How do retards find their way out of the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
Q: What's black and brown and looks perfect on a
A: A Doberman.
Q: How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
A: If your girlfriend chews before swallowing
Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
Q: Why do women stop bleeding during menopause?
A: Because they need all that blood for their varicose
Q: What's the difference between a band leader and a
A: A band leader fucks his singers and a gynecologist
sucks his fingers.
Q: Have you heard about the new restaurant "Kentucky
A: It's mother-fucking good.
Q: What do you call a nun who sleepwalks?
A: A roamin' Catholic.
Q: Why won't the Jewish American Princess get a
A: She can't find shoes to match the bag.
Q: What do they call 69 in China?
A: Two Can Chew.
Q: What must a woman do when a man is running around
A: Reload, adjust the scope, and carry on shooting.
Q: Why can't men get Mad Cow Disease?
A: Because it only attacks the brain.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking,
A: A rumor
Q: Who was the first computer expert ever?
A: Eve, because she had an Apple in one hand and a
Wang in the other.
Q: How can you tell if your roommate's gay?
A: His dick tastes like shit
A man walks into the doctor's office, and the doctor says, "You have two weeks to live."
The man says, "I'd like a second opinion."
The doctor replies, "Okay. You're ugly, too."
A couple are lying in bed. The man says: "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says : "I will surely miss you"
Did you hear about the man the stole a truck full of Viagra?
The police still haven't found the hardened criminal.
A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved
auctions; his hobby was golf.
The other night, as they slept, the golfer yelled, "Fore!"
His wife yelled back, "Four and a quarter !"
There are three tampons: a Tampax, a Playtex, and an
OB walking down the street. Which one will stop and
None. They're all stuck up cunts!
Did you know that if the pilgrims shot a bobcat
instead of a turkey we all would be eating pussy on
Did you hear about the girl who went on a fishing trip
with 6 guys?
She came back with a red snapper.
Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your
On the door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Let us
help you pick your nose."
Sometimes when you cry no one sees your tears...
Sometimes when you are worried no one sees your
Sometimes when you are happy no one sees your smile...
But fart just one time...
This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender
says, "What'll ya have?"
The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club."
Guy to Lady: "How do you like your eggs?"
Guy: "That's fine, I can always shoot my load up your
Guy to lady: Is this seat empty?
Lady: Yes, and this one will too if you sit there.
Guy: Why, will you be on your knees sucking my cock?
Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife:
Someone from the Guyna College called. They said Pabst
beer is normal.
Q: What's the difference between husbands and
A: Prisoners complain behind bars. Husbands complain
How many rednecks does it take eat an opossum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.
Q: What do you call a female turtle?
A: A Clitortous.
Why did God provide women with more intelligence than
So they won't step on your feet when you pull their
Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
If Liberace ate pussy
He'd still be with us
Q: What is the acronym for U.S. ARMY backwards?
A: Yes My Retarded Ass Signed Up.
Q: What comes after 69?
Q: What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Gary
A: Nobody cares when Tiger buries a 5 footer.
What did the woman at the beach say to Michael
Get out of my son!
What color does a Smurf turn when you choke him?