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There was a competition to cross the English Channel
doing only the breaststroke. Just three women entered
the race: a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours the brunette staggered up
on the shore and was declared the fastest
breaststroker.
About 40 minutes later the redhead crawled up on the
shore and was declared to be the second place
finisher.
Nearly 48 hours after that, the blonde finally came
ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried
onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to
complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound
like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other
girls were using their arms."
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
A blonde was sitting next to a businessman on a plane
traveling to New York City. The businessman had just
gotten a bunch of new search equipment that he wanted
to try it out. So he woke up the sleeping blonde and
said, "Will you do me a favor? If I ask you a question
and you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. But if
you ask me a question and I can't find the answer,
I'll pay you $500."
The blonde was very tired, but she agreed since she
wanted some extra spending money in New York. So, the
man asked the blonde a question, and she didn't know
the answer. The blonde paid the man $5. Then the
blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with four legs and
comes down with three?" As the man searched, the
blonde went back to sleep.
The man searched for this answer for hours, and
couldn't find it. He tried calling his business
partners, but they didn't know either. So,
reluctantly, he woke up the blonde and handed her a
check for $500. The blonde thanked the man and went
back to sleep.
At this point, the man was very frustrated and he
shook the woman, saying, "WELL, what's the answer?!"
The woman sighed and handed the man a crisp new five
dollar bill.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one
night he's doing a show in a small club in a small
town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's
going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a
blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and
starts shouting: '
'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What
makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with
her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who
keep women like me from being respected at work and in
the community and from reaching our full potential as
a person, because you and your kind continue to
perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes,
but women in general...and all in the name of humor!'
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to
apologize, when the blonde yells, '
'You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that
little jerk on your knee!"
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
An Italian guy is out picking up chicks in Rome. While
at his favorite bar, he manages to attract a very
beautiful blonde woman. So they go back to his place,
and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while he
climaxes loudly, rolls over, lights up a cigarette and
asks her, "Are youa finish?"
After a slight pause she replies, "No."
Surprised, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on
top of her and has his way with her again--this time
lasting even longer than the first.
Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette and asks,
"Youa finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she simply says, "No."
Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho
pride, he mounts her again. This time with all the
strength he could muster. He barely manages to end the
task, but he does.
Exhausted, he reaches for his cigarette. "Soa, youa
finish, or what?!"
"No," comes her reply. "I am Swedish."
Makes sense to me.....
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a
female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck
causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to
avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver
enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped
the woman off.
Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself. I
ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner
whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and
here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's
96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is
bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on
an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I
am not in, that means I pass something like a new car
every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet
for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every
mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to
bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I
pass every day. Statistically, half of these are
driven by females, that's 18,000.
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love
life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of
all females have seriously considered suicide or
homicide. That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all
females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at
least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks
men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered
suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Flip one off?....... I think not.
Exercise
It is well documented that for every minute that you
exercise, you add one minute to your life. This
enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5
months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when
she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know
where the hell she is.
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that
I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400
bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to
show up.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my
brain figures out what I'm doing.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by
people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach
covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die
healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start
with a small country.
And last but not least:
I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right
out of my glass.
The following quotes were taken from actual medical
records as dictated by physicians.
*By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had
stopped, and he was feeling better.
*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side
for over a year.
*On the second day the knee was better and on the
third day it had completely disappeared.
*The patient has been depressed ever since she began
seeing me in 1983.
*The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She
also appears to be depressed.
*Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
*Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male,
mentally alert but forgetful.
*The patient refused an autopsy.
*The patient has no past history of suicides.
*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
*Patient has left his white blood cells at another
hospital.
*The patient's past medical history has been
remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound
weight gain in the past three days.
*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went
in separate directions in early December.
*The patient was in his usual state of good health
until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
*She is numb from her toes down.
*The skin was moist and dry.
*Patient was alert and unresponsive.
*When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the
bathroom, so she said yes. When he went to wipe his
fanny, there was no toilet paper... So, he used his
hand.
When he got back to class, his teacher asked,"What do
you have in your hand?"
The boy said, "A little leprechaun, and if I open my
hand he'll get scared away."
He was then sent to the principal's office and
the principal asked him, "What do you have in your
hand?"
So the little boy said, "A little leprechaun, and if I
open my hands he'll get scared away."
He was then sent home and his Mom asked him, "What do
you have in your hand?"
So again the little boy said, "A little leprechaun and
if I open my hands he'll get scared away."
Then his Mom got really mad and yelled, "Open your
hands NOW!"
And the little boy said, "Oh great Mom, now look what
you did, you scared the shit out of him!"
President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary
school today and he visits one of the 4th grade
classes. They are in the middle of a discussion
related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asks the President if he would like to
lead the class in the discussion of the word,
"tragedy." So the president asks the class for an
example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best
friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street
and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be
a tragedy."
"No" says Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus
carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing
everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not" explains the President. "That's what
we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.
President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone
here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, a boy named
Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If
Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs. Bush, was struck
by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would
be a tragedy.
"Correct" exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you
tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," Lil' Johnny said, "because, like you just told
us, it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as hell
wouldn't be a great loss."
SPECIAL DRINK
A grasshopper walked into a bar. The bartender said to him, "You know? We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper said, "No kidding? You have a drink called 'Bob'?"
A mother was reading a book about animals to her
daughter: Pointing to the picture, she asked "What
does the cow say?"
The daughter made a slow arc with her head as she
replied, "Mooooooooooo!"
"That's right!" the proud Mom says. "What does the cat
say?"
"Meoooow!" she replied, rubbing her head against her
mom's arm.
"Oh, you're so smart! And what does the frog say?"
The wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her
mother, made a smushed face, and replied, in slow,
croaking sounds, "Buuuud...Wiiiise....Errrrr"
U know you're a computer addict when...
1. U see something funny & scream, "LOL, LMAO, ROFL,
OMG, BOL"
2. U sign off & your screen says U were on for 3 days & 45 minutes.
3. U fall asleep, but instead of dreams U get PMs.
4. U beg your friends to get an account so U can "hang out."
5. U get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.
6. U purchase a vanity car license plate w/ your screen name on it.
7. U say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
8. When someone asks U what U just said, you tell them
"Scroll up".
9. U sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to
sleep.
10. U talk on the phone w/ the same person U are sending an instant message to. (HMMMMMMMMM)
11. U look at an annoying person off line & wish that U had your ignore button handy.
12. U start to experience "withdrawal" after not being
online for awhile.
13. U sit on Yahoo for 6 hrs for that certain special
person to sign on.
14. U get up in the morning & go online before getting
your coffee.
15. U end your sentences w/ .... 3 or more periods.... 16. You think faster than the computer.
17. U enter a room & get greeted by 25 people w/ {{{hugs}}} & **kisses**.
18. Being called a newbie is a major insult to U.
19. U say BRB while on the phone.
20. U are fluent in typo & consider it your second language. (LMAO DAKANEESE!!!!!!!)
21. The only Family U send Christmas & Birthday Cards to are the ones who have an email address.
22. When U decline a real date w/ a live person cause
your cyber boyfriend (whom U've never met) is waiting
online for U.
23. When your acrylic nails are shorter then when U
had them put on 2 wks ago, or U don't even get them
done anymore, because acrylics make it hard to type.
24. When U have to clean your keyboard w/ a Q-tip to
dislodge the food particles.
25. When the letters come off your keyboard from excessive use.
26. U go on to "check mail" for 4 hrs at a time.
27. U have been late for work because something happened online
28. U talk about cyber people more than people not online.
29. U can't talk on the phone w/o calling them by their screen names.
30. More than 60 % of your friends are from Yahoo.
31. Your actual significant other is from Yahoo, but U
never met or only once or twice.
32. Although U don't know what they look like, U become insanely jealous of people hitting on your cyber love. (WELLLLLL SHIT!)
33. U say you're tired of Yahoo, yet still sign on
faithfully for hrs. (LMMFAOOOOO)
34. U talk to your computer screens (w/ no microphone) 35. U use computer lingo at work/school by accident.
36. The 1st & last things that they during the day are Online.
37. They cry over things online. (*SNIFFS*)
38. U find it impossible to not state what action U are doing. (ie. LMAO @, RME, QQn @)
39. U meet some one U like off line & wish they had a
profile for U to read so U can get to know their
personality a lil better.
40. Your typing skills improve. U can type better then
your secretary at work.
41. U get more mail delivered from your server than your postman.
42. U re-enter a room in your house & say "BACK"
43. U get up at 2 am to go to the bathroom & turn on your computer instead.
44. U log on & are immediately hit w/ 10 PM's from people who have U on their buddy list.
45. U constantly find yourself doing things U said U would never do when U 1st got online.
46. U understand the humor in this page because U've
committed these acts yourself.
47. U swore it was impossible to become addicted
Thanks DaisyDuck_2000. That is really right for all Yahoo! and Cheeta chatters. :o)
One day there was this boy with a dog. The other kids
always laughed at the boy. The boy said, "My dog can
talk."
The other kids just started to laugh at him again.
The dog said, "Bow."
The kids stared at the boy and said, "That's as good
as you can do?"
The dog repeated, "Bow."
The kids laughed again.
Finally, the dog said, "No, no, no. I want you kids to
BOW to me."
Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery
"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
"Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"
"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
"Hand me that ... uh ... that uh..... thingie"
"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys.. and this guy's got two of' 'em."
"Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!" "Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off."
"What's this doing here?" "I hate it when they're missing stuff in here."
"That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!"
"Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us."
"Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough."
The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks,
"What's this?"
"A horsey," one child answers.
"And this?" the teacher asks.
"A piggy." replies another youngster.
"And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a
picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of
antlers. There was no answer, only total silence.
"Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a
little hint. "What does your Mommy call your Daddy
when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"
I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. "It's a
horny bastard!"
Useless facts about sex
Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200
Average number of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000 (
Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons
Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons
Average amount of water it takes to fill a bathtub: 35 gallons
Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour
Average speed of a city bus: 25 miles per hour
Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7
Average # of calories in a can of Dr. Pepper: 150
Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches
Average length when erect: 5.1 inches
Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch
Largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches
Largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet (blue whale)
Height from court floor to the rim of a basketball hoop:10 feet
Most arousing time of day/season for a man: early morning / fall
Best ways to improve sexual function: quit smoking, start excercising, lose weight.
Foods that improve sex life: oysters, lean meat, seafood, whole grains, wheat germ, chicken fingers from Erie dining hall
Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60%
Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54%
Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41%
Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 min to 2 weeks
Average # of erections per day for a man: 11
Average # of erections during the night: 9
Distance sperm travels to fertilize an egg: 3-4 inches
The human equvalent: 26 miles (a marathon distance)
Time it takes the sperm: 2.5 seconds
Time it takes an average person to complete a marathon: 4 hours
Sperm life: 2 1/2 months (from development to ejaculation)
Shelf life of a hostess twinkie: 7 years
Cost of a year's supply of condoms: $100
Thickness of the average condom: .07 mm
Thickness of super-thin condoms: .05 mm
Thickness of plastic wrap: .0127 mm
# of times condoms are thicker that plastic wrap: almost 6
In general, the taste of a man's semen varies with his diet. Some say that the alkaline-based foods (fish and some meats) produce a buttery or fishy taste. Dairy products can create a foul taste; the taste of semen after eating asparagus is said to be the foulest. Acidic fruits and alcohol (except processed liquours) leaves a pleasant sugary taste. Examples: oranges, mangos, kiwi, lemons, grapefruit, limes, Labatt Blue, Honey BRown, etc.
Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie
Yes, the penis does shrink in the shower
It is common for men to wake up with 'morning wood', a name for an a.m. erection
Blue balls, or the term a man uses when he says his balls will explode if he doesn't have sex, is totally false.
Things not to say in bed
1- Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
2- On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
3- Got any penicillin?
4- When is this supposed to feel good?
5- You're good enough to do this for a living.
6- Is that blood on the headboard?
7- But everybody looks funny naked.
8- How long do you plan to be 'almost there'?
9- Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10- Is that you I can smell?
11- Have you ever considered liposuction?
12- I really hate people who actually think sex means something.
13- But my cat always sleeps on the pillow!
14- And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
15- I was so horny tonight I would have taken anything home.
16- You'll still vote for me, won't you?
17- You look younger than you feel.
18- Have you seen Fatal Attraction?
19- KY Jelly or no KY Jelly, I said NO !!
20- Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper.
21- This would be more fun with some more people.
22- Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
23- It's nice being in bed with something you don't need to inflate!!
24- Did I mention the video camera?
25- My old partner used to do it a LOT longer!
26- And to think-I was really trying to pick up your friend!
27- Hope you're looking as good when I'm sober.....
28- I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29- They're not biscuit crumbs, it's only a rash.
CASUAL DAY
Week 1 - Memo No. 1: Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.
Week 3 - Memo No. 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Week 6 - Memo No. 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Week 8 - Memo No. 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Week 9 - Memo No. 5: As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.
Week 14 - Memo No. 6: The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.
Week 18 - Memo No. 6: Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.
Week 20 - Memo No. 7: Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately.
Things NOT to say to the nice police officer
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Bad cop! No donut!
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
I pay your salary, Barney!
So, uh, you on the take, or what?
Gee, Officer! That's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are.
What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
Hey, can you give me another one of those full body cavity searches?
Cinderella in her later years.....
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years??"
The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: "I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned.
Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother."
The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least! I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her.
Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke, "You have one more wish, what shall you have?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a man, so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each others eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered,
"I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"
Court Quotes
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
====================================================
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the
impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
====================================================
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect
your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your
memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of
something that you've
forgotten?
====================================================
Q: How old is your son, the one living with
you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't
remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
====================================================
Q: What was the first thing your husband said
to you when he woke that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
====================================================
Q: And where was the location of the
accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
====================================================
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
====================================================
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went
to school for it.
====================================================
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
===================================================
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant,
were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she
got out of her car?
A:: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
====================================================
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a
person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next
morning?
====================================================
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how
old is he?
====================================================
Q: Were you present when your picture was
taken?
====================================================
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby)
was August eighth
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
====================================================
Q: She had three children, right
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
====================================================
Q: You say the stairs went down to the
basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
====================================================
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
====================================================>
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
====================================================
Q: Is your appearance here this morning
pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
===================================================
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
====================================================
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What
school did you go to?
A: Oral.
====================================================
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined
the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy.
====================================================
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
==================================================
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient
was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere!
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she's heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen,sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," he says, swallowing hard," what myths are those?"
"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the man of Jewish descent.
However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Red Neck."
Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry", she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto!", the man says, "Tonto Goldstein!...but my friends call me Bubba!
Thanks a lot Gail
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