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Jokes 6

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Subject: What kind of a man are you?

a. An Unreconstructed Male
b. A Right-on Male
c. A Rogue Male or
d. A Delivery Boy of the New Male Order?

Find Out Below.

1. A woman whispers "Do me now, big boy..." in your ear. She is
a)Short sighted.
b) Attempting to overcome a lack of self-esteem through
meaningless sexual gratification.
c) Begging for it.
d) A recording.

2. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Sex.
b) Fucking.
c) Enclosure.
d) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town.

3. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
b) Blood-test results.
c) A cab.
d) Five tequila slammers.

4. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first.
b) You both climax simultaneously.
c) The director can set up for a close-up.
d) You don't miss Sportsnight.

5. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Strictly for cats.
b) Healthy, creative love-play.
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
d) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out

6. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just
had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience.
b) The second best part of the experience.
c) A loathsome chore.
d) $100 extra.

7. Your girlfriend says she's gained two kilos in weight in
the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours.
b) No barrier to her finding a new boyfriend.
c) No problem - she can join your gym.
d) A conservative estimate.

8. Today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) An ideal to which you aspire.
b) A myth.
c) An oxymoron.
d) A moron.

9. Your girlfriend announces that she is pregnant. Do you:
a) Take her in your arms and say: "Oh darling, this is the happiest
day of my life..."
b) Take her to bed and say: "I might as well get hung for a sheep
as a lamb..."
c) Take her to the abortion clinic.
d) Take her phone number and tell her you'll get back to her.

10. A prostitute is:
a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression.
b) Someone who provides an essential service.
c) A cheap date.
d) A valued employee.

11. A wife is:
a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression.
b) Someone who provides an essential service.
c) A cheap date.
d) A valued employee.

12. Masturbation is:
a) Sex with someone you love.
b) A healthy exploration of your erogenous zones.
c) A team sport.
d) A cheap date.

13. How can you tell when your partner has an orgasm?
a) When she drops her nail file.
b) When she goes the colour of a Chicago Bulls uniform.
c) When the Earth moves.
d) Who cares?

14. It is the day after a one-night stand. Do you:
a) Call her.
b) Call your lawyer.
c) Call your doctor.
d) Call your wife.

15. Which of the following lines best fits into your ideal
role-playing sexual fantasy:
a) "Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn..."
b) "I've got a nasty swelling down here, Nurse..."
c) "You're a lovely, fluffy little sheep...."
d) "Another consonant please, Carol...."

16. You take a woman out to dinner and the bill comes to $300.
Do you expect:
a) An overdraft.
b) A blow job.
c) Her to pay next time.
d) A thank-you letter.

17. You call your penis:
a) John Thomas.
b) Terry-Thomas.
c) Massive.
d) On its birthday.

18. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Priming is to painting.
b) Appetiser is to entree.
c) Trailer is to feature.
d) A queue is to an amusement park ride.

19. The slogan that sums up your sexual mores is:
a) Free Lorena Bobbitt.
b) Free Mike Tyson.
c) Free Willy.
d) Free condom with this survey.

20. During sex you:
a) Haggle.
b) Talk dirty.
c) Talk of love.
d) Talk on the phone.

21. Your local Mayor is involved in a lurid sex scandal.
You are:
a) Outraged.
b) Implicated.
c) Jealous.
d) Never going to vote anyway.

22. A woman who consents to having sex with you when she
is drunk is:
a) Easier.
b) Unfortunately, probably incapable of rational judgement.
c) Fortunately, probably incapable of rational judgement.
d) A tricky defense in court.

23. Which of the following are you most likely to find
yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you."
c) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
d) "Keep the change."

24. At what point do you put on the condom?:
a) Before you go out.
b) Before you pass out.
c) As a party trick.
d) Never.

25. You wake to find your partner clutching your penis in one
hand and a carving knife in the other. Do you:
a) Talk through her anger.
b) Shout "Look behind you!" and make a run for it.
c) Ask her to put down the offensive weapon.
d) Ask her to put down the knife.

26. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Is uptight and a waste of time.
b) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that
sort of intimacy.
c) May need glasses.
d) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

What kind of person are you? - A QUIZ

A Quickie Little Quiz

What to do:

1) Grab a pen/pencil and paper.
2) Mark the paper 1 to 10 down the side
3) Answer each question and mark the corresponding letter to your answer on the paper.
4) Calculate the point score for each question for each of your answers
5) Total up the points for all the questions and see where you land

Here goes...

1. When do you feel your best?
(a) In the morning
(b) During the afternoon and early evening
(c) Late at night

2. Do you usually walk
(a) fairly fast, with long steps?
(b) fairly fast, but with short, quick steps?
(c) less fast, head up looking the world in the face?
(d) less fast, head down?
(e) very slowly?

3. When talking to people, do you
(a) stand with your arms folded?
(b) have your hands clasped?
(c) have one or both your hands on your hips?
(d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking?
(e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair?

4. When relaxing, do you sit with
(a) your knees bent and your legs neatly side by side?
(b) your legs crossed?
(c) your legs stretched out or straight?
(d) with one lag curled under you?

5. When something really amuses you, how do you react? Do you give...
(a) a big, appreciative laugh?
(b) a laugh, but not a loud one?
(c) a quiet chuckle?
(d) a big smile?
(e) a slow smile?

6. When you go to a party or social gathering, you
(a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you?
(b) make a quieter entrance looking around quickly for someone you know
(c) make quietest possible entrance? and try to stay unnoticed?

7. You are working hard, concentrating hard. You are interrupted. Do you...
(a) welcome the break?
(b) feel extremely irritated?
(c) vary between these two extremes?

8. Which of the following colors do you like most
(a) red or orange
(b) black
(c) yellow or light blue
(d) green
(e) dark blue or purple
(f) white
(g) brown, gray, or violet

9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep, do you lie
(a) stretched out on your back?
(b) stretched out face dawn on your stomach?
(c) on your side, slightly curled?
(d) with your head on one arm?
(e) with your head under the covers?

10. Do you often dream that you are
(a) falling?
(b) fighting or struggling?
(c) searching for something or somebody?
(d) flying or floating? (e) or do you usually have a dreamless sleep?
(f ) or do you have pleasant dreams?

1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1

Add the total number of points.

Here are the results to the quiz.

Others see you as some one they should " handle with care." You are seen as vain, self-centered, and extremely dominant. Others may admire you and wish they could be more like you, but they don't always trust you and hesitate to become too deeply involved with you.

Your friends see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, quick to make decisions (though not always the right ones). They see you as a bold and venturesome ... someone who will try anything - well, almost anything-once; someone who takes a chance and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, and always interesting; someone who is constantly the center of attention, but
sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to your head. They see you also as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who will cheer them up and help them out.

Other people see you as sensible, cautious, careful, and practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or too easily, but someone who is extremely loyal to the friends you do make and who expects the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize that it takes a lot to shake you trust in your friends, but, equally, that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is shaken.

Your friends see you as painstaking, perhaps little fussy at times. They see you as very, very cautious and extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur the of moment. They expect you to examine everything carefully from every side and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction on your part is caused partly by your carefully nature and partly by laziness.

People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone needs to be looked after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions and who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything. They see you as a worrier, who sees problems that don't exist. Some people think your are boring. Only the people who know you well know that you aren't. The trouble is that you don't let very many people get close to you.

Test your Guyness quotient

Are You a Real Guy?

Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness quotient

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?

a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:

(1) He is legally within the basepath,
(2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...

a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.

6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.

7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?

9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school.

Your first question to her is:

a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?" c. "There are three of them?"

10. When is it o.k. to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.

b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.

c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.

12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.

How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.

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